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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24035464">More Than This</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaghettikills/pseuds/spaghettikills'>spaghettikills</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Timeline, Angst, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Force-Sensitive Reader, Freeform, Kylo Ren Has Issues, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, Togrutas (Star Wars), in this house we make up shit about star wars, kylo ren is a good teacher, pretending snoke is dead before The Force Awakens bc fuck that hoe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:21:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>47,916</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24035464</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaghettikills/pseuds/spaghettikills</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After saving the day, Officer Johari Bek is rewarded with an unexpected promotion. As he struggles to settle into daily life on a new ship, something awakens in him, and he finds hes not as alone as he thought he was.</p><p> </p><p>Was it a blessing or a curse to be reassigned to work on the Finalizer? There certainly werent any giant masked-wearing men throwing tantrums on the last job.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kylo Ren/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first Star Wars fic! So bare with me here :)<br/>I really wanted to write a story that included one of my OCs, so I thought why not toss him in with Kylo ! </p><p>also be nice bc i will be making up shit about star wars</p><p>Im not totally sure where this will be headed, and it is a little slow at first... But trust me!!! we will get there I promise.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Red and blue darted across the never ending void that lay just outside the large windows on the bridge. I stared out, paralyzed as my co officers pushed buttons and flipped switches just as  manatically as my captain barked orders. I could hardly hear him. The sounds of machinery screeching and roaring were ten times louder. I watched as Resistance and First Order ships whizzed by, some crashing into our own vessel. Crazy how even in space, the flames engulfed them. </p><p>How could one resistance ship out do us like this? How had we let them gain the upper hand? My head snapped down to look at my station. My brain moving a mile a minute, I tried to focus on the glowing panel, to do my job. I trained my whole life for this. I told myself. Just as it all clicked together, just as i had returned from wherever my mind had wandered off to, my vision turned white. </p><p>An explosion. They were targeting the bridge.</p><p> When my eyesight returned I was lying on my back, staring up at the flickering light hanging from the charred ceiling. My ears rang as the emergency alarms blared. I sat up and looked around the room, squinting through the haze. I couldn't see anyone else. The large window was no longer as crystal clear as I remembered it being just moments ago. The only thing that stood between me and the endless frontier was that damaged glass. Fuck. it's not going to hold long. I have to get out of here. I rubbed my eyes.</p><p>“Take the shot. The last shot” a groan came from the corner of the room. I crawled over the deprise to find Brin Heath, one of the officers who manned the large weapons mounted on the ship. </p><p>He was built like a cinder block. Stocky, and way more toned than most officers on the Fulminatrix. His  gravelly voice made him seem much older than he was, we’d graduated from the academy the same year. He had been one of those guys I was glad i'd never see again after graduation, an end to the relentless teasing. How foolish I was to get my hopes up.</p><p>His head hung to the side, First Order uniform no longer grey and pristine, but rather shredded and burnt. </p><p>“What?” I looked him over, checking for serious wounds, this guy was in way worse shape than I was. I couldn't help but to feel lucky.</p><p>He pointed up at what remained of his station, “Take the shot, Johari. Kill those bastards.”</p><p>I didn't have to take orders from him. He wasn't my superior. I could leave, keep my head down and save myself, tell everyone there were no survivors. Besides I was only the communication officer, I just dealt with transmissions all day. </p><p>“But-” i looked at him with doubt.</p><p>“You're a good shot, always were. Just do it. Hurry.” He started to cough. It was rare I received anything related to a compliment these days, and coming from officer Heath it gave me more than the sliver of confidence I needed to make an attempt to take that resistance ship out. </p><p>I made my way on shaky legs to his station, and looked over the controls. One of the last mounted blasters on the side of the ship was pointed at the enemy ship, just needed a little adjusting. One shot. One ship. I got this. I did this at the academy all the time. Of course those were simulations but it'll have to do.</p><p>I lined up the shot, my finger floating over the release. I got this. I turned my hand into a fist and slammed it down. Watching out the window as the blast collided with the rebellion ship. Tears welled in my eyes. I always had a good shot. The rebel ship erupted into fire and shrapnel. It was beautiful. I'd done it. Finally I did something memorable, something that actually had an impact on the war. Johari Bek would be known as a hero.</p><p>It wasn't until then that I realized how heavy my body felt. My right leg suddenly pulsing with pain. The last thing I saw before the world went dark were storm troopers making their way to me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Honor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was disappointed, to say the least. But what I had expected, I knew was unrealistic anyways. I didn't get a parade, or a big celebration for destroying the rebel ship. Even though I had saved the thousands of First Order crew members that had been on my own. I understood why I couldn't be the hero here. I couldn't be the face of the First Order.</p><p>There wasn't much diversity within the First Order. But there's no terms or conditions that restrict specific species from joining, it was just….. ill advised. Needless to say i was probably one of the few non humans on board the Fulmanatrix, give or take the whole First Order. Chances are being a Togruta is the only reason the academy accepted my application. I wasn't human, but I looked similar enough (at least compared to a wookie). But that was just enough for the other guys in my class to make my life hell. They all thought because i wasn't human that i thought i was better than them, and they made sure to let me know I wasnt. The constant threats and down right abuse was enough to want to quit. But I didn't have a choice, and ir was at the very least a stable job to send money back to my grandparents on Kiros. I had already signed my life away.</p><p>I woke up in the med bay aboard Fulmanatrix, sharing a room with Brin. Wretched Brin. He was in good shape, well, better than the last time I had seen him. I hoped we wouldn't have to be here long, but he didn't look to be in the kind of condition to harass me. Bandages covered most of his arms and wrapped around his head. We made forced small talk about our injuries until the nurses came to check on us, both watching the small medical droid working to heal the large gash down my leg.</p><p>Thanks to the First Orders top tier technology, we healed up pretty quickly. But that left me with the question: what now? Was I going to keep working on this ship? There were other control rooms that hadn't been blown to smithereens but, was there room for me? I worked so hard, much harder than the rest of the officers to get a position on a ship like this. Communications and transmissions were not much, but I was fluent in 30 languages (and counting). While at the academy I didn't ‘fit the criteria’ for anything battle and defense related, so I aimed for something more academic instead, though I feel I've now proved my sharp shooting skills. And just as I did then, I hoped and prayed my studies would not go to waste. Brin had no reason to worry, but me? I was already on thin ice.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The second day, and thankfully our last, a nurse entered with a holopad.</p><p>“The both of you have a transmission,from General Hux aboard the Finalizer.” She held it out flat in front of her as the young man's stern face was projected above.</p><p>I shifted to sit up in my bed. A little warning would have been nice…</p><p>“Good afternoon Officers.” He very obviously forced a smile.</p><p>“Afternoon, sir.” Brin nodded his head at the hologram.</p><p>“The First Order recognizes and thanks both of you young men for your brave and honorable actions against the Rebellion. Your devotion to the Order is noted.”</p><p>Brin and I turned to look at eachother, his square face scrunched in confusion.</p><p>“That being said, as the Fulmanatrix focuses on repairs, we've decided we need minds like you elsewhere.” I wiped the sweat from my palms onto my bed. Here it comes. I was going to be sent to work in the cafeteria, or worse. Sanitation.</p><p>“Both if you will be reassigned to work here. On the Finalizer. You will resume your previous positions. The Supreme Leader, and I myself, look forward to having you be a part of our crew.” Relief washed over me, all of my muscles untensed. Oh thank god.</p><p>I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. Brin huffed quietly.</p><p>“It's an honor, General. Thank you for the opportunity.” I gushed, almost forgetting formality.</p><p>“Yes. Well, I suspect you are both in good health now, am I correct?” he raised a brow.</p><p>“Yes sir.” Brin and I answered in unison, instinctively.</p><p>“Excellent news. A shuttle will come for you in the morning.” General Hux’s gaze shifted to meet mine as the hologram disappeared.</p><p>“This isn't right, only one of us deserves this.” I looked at Brin. Did he mean me? I knew he hated me but I wasn't sure this was a battle I wanted to face.</p><p>“I didn't take that ship down, you did.” He played with his thumbs.</p><p>Oh. This was unexpected.</p><p>“You're the one who told me to take the shot. I probably wouldn't have if you hadn't told me to.” he looked up at me.</p><p>“But I really didn't do anything. I just got lucky I didn't get turned to ash like the rest of em. You're the only one deserving.” I was shocked at his change of heart towards me, and I couldn't lie, my ego agreed with him on this.</p><p>“Alright, One: We’d all be dead if you didn't just tell me to take the shot. It hadn't even crossed my mind before then. And Two:” My tone lost its strength. “Even if i just did it, we both know I can't be the hero alone. Someone like me can't be the face of success like that. Not here..”</p><p>He stared at me. He knew what I meant.</p><p>“I'm real so-”</p><p>“I know.” I wasn't looking for an apology. I knew I earned my reward, and I'd have to share the limelight my whole life. “ you saved us just as much as I did.” I said it to make him feel better, but I also didn't want to continue the conversation.</p><p>I may not have gotten that parade or big celebration, but hell, a promotion would do. And I didnt all the way hate the fact that Brin would be there. I could use a familiar face while working on the Supreme Leaders ship…..</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>These first few chapters are going to be introducing Johari, but it will pick up!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. CZ-54</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>General Hux and a group of storm troopers greeted us as we descended the ramp from the shuttle. He was much shorter than he looked on the hologram, but his stern gaze and stiff posture made him all the more intimidating. His voice was smooth and loud, it echoed around us.</p><p>The large hangar was identical to the one on the Fulmanatrix, nothing fancy to see. My eyes stayed focused to the ground as we trailed behind the General. That's when I noticed something in the marble’s reflection. I looked up at a gaudy ship with wings that reached up higher than any of the surrounding shuttles. It stuck out like a sore thumb. Me too, pal. Not to mention it was literally smoking from the inside. A team of stormtroopers frantically worked on it. Huh. Must have just landed.</p><p>The General spoke as we walked, “I’ll have these troopers escort you to your quarters, you’ll find they have been upgraded from the ones you stayed in during your last assignments. We hope they will be suitable.” he gave us that forced smile again, “Oh, and Officer Bek, for your convenience I had a communications droid ordered for you, to assist with work. It should be waiting for you there.”</p><p>I didn't know if being given a droid for work was an insult or a compliment.</p><p>“Thank you sir. And thank you for your hospitality.” He stopped to look at Brin and I.</p><p>“Yes, of course. The datapads in your quarters will tell you when to arrive at your assignment. You start tomorrow. Now, please excuse my briefness, I have duties to report to. Good day.”</p><p>The general turned on his heel and walked away. Wonder what his deal is. He was stiff like a droid. Brin and I exchanged a glance as we followed the troopers in the opposite direction towards a set of elevators.</p><p>The lift came to a halt and the doors opened, but Brin hasn't followed me out. I looked back in as he disappeared behind the dark metal of the doors sliding shut. The trooper must have noticed my confusion.</p><p>“His room is a few floors up.” His voice buzzed.</p><p>Oh. I understood. The higher the floor, the higher the rank, the higher the respect.</p><p>“This way, sir.” he began leading the way once again.</p><p>“Right.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>My place may not be on the same floor as Brin’s but it was still huge, compared to my old one. It smelled stale and new. Like cardboard.</p><p>I could tell now the droid, which was shut down in the corner, was probably a gift to make me not feel so bad that I wasn't living further up. I didn't care. I didn't care that Brin probably had an even nicer suite. In reality, I didn't quite know what to think of Brin now. He used to be my enemy but after saving his life, he seems to be on my side. Who knew that's what it took to get a friend?</p><p>At least I had my own kitchen. No more cafeteria bullshit. I had a small ‘living room’ space, that consisted of a grey couch and coffee table, where the datapad the general talked about sat. It merged into said kitchen, which had the latest appliances. Opposite the stainless steel fridge was a short hallway that led to a bathroom, complete with refresher, and my bedroom. Everything was the same charcoal and grey color scheme. Which I was used to.</p><p>There wasn't a lot of storage space in the bedroom. Which really didn't matter too much, seeing as everything I owned fit into the bag at my side. I folded my many identical uniforms and put them into a drawer, one of the only furniture pieces in the room besides the twin sized bed and night table.</p><p>I reached into my bag and heard a familiar crunching of paper. I pulled out the brown package that was wedged at the bottom. We weren't really supposed to have personal belongings from our home planets, we were not to be reminded that we were anything else than the First Order. But there were things I just couldn't leave behind, and thankfully after all those years no one had ever found them.</p><p>It's not like i'd be thrown in jail even if they were to be found. Just confiscated.</p><p>As much as the objects in the package meant to me, I wasn't sure if it was the time to dwell on them. Best find a new hiding spot. I shoved the package under my uniforms and closed the drawer.</p><p>My stomach growled. I needed some lunch, and to meet my new droid. I was a bit excited, I’d never had one before.</p><p>I passed the bathroom on my way to the main room, and caught myself staring at my reflection. I was the only thing in the entire place that stood out. All the grey blended together, everything was one. Except for me.</p><p>The dull uniform made my violet skin pop, the white markings on my forehead and cheeks framing my face. I wasn't allowed to wear any headpieces like I did back home, so my forehead looked massive, I was a bit insecure about it.</p><p>As much as I hated standing out, I was proud of my lekku. They reminded me of my people, and who I was. I was fairly young, so the striped tails that sat below my shoulders were not too long, and the horns, otherwise known as montrails, atop were not too tall. I studied the deep navys and blues that made up the patterns. They've changed a bit since I last payed them attention, but still symmetrical. I couldn't wait to see the man I'd become as I got older, and flaunt my maturity like a peacock. Though humans often felt growing older was shameful, and unfortunate. I found it's because they grow uglier.</p><p>But my eyes made me feel as normal as I could around here. Brown, just like most humans had, something we had in common. Not purple, or yellow, or lime green, just brown. I loved them most about myself. The white lines that decended down my forehead framed them just right.</p><p> </p><p>My self examination was interrupted by something. It was like radio static, buzzing at the back of my mind. Like having the word at the tip of your tongue, but still unable to just say it. I looked around the bathroom, had I turned something on by accident? No.. Maybe the ship was having complications?</p><p>Suddenly it got worse, like someone pounding on the door of my brain. I held my head in my hands. Was something wrong with me? Was someone trying to poison me? Kill me, even? I started to panic.</p><p>And then it was gone.</p><p>I stood still, not entirely sure what to do after that. I felt foolish for jumping to conclusions. How dramatic.My body was probably just adjusting to the ship. Finally, I let the air out of my chest and laughed, trying to shake the feeling of unease off.</p><p>Those pain medications really took their toll, huh?</p><p>I gave myself a quick smile in the mirror and continued down the hallway. My new droid sat idly where it had been when I walked in. It was a bit jarring to have a person shaped object just sitting in my quarters, but I’d have to get used to it.</p><p>It was so new I could see my warped reflection on the metal. Neat. I powered it on and it hummed to life. It was a bit shorter than me so I had to look down to meet its glowing gaze. I took a step back as it spoke.</p><p>“Hello. I am CZ-54, Your personal communications droid. I can assist you in sending, receiving, and translating various messages. My other functions include organizing files, scheduling-”</p><p>“So you’re an assistant?” I smirked.</p><p>“If that is what you would like to call me, then affirmative.” His voice, although robotic, was happy and pleasant. Unlike the General’s sternness, or Brin’s gruff. He was very gestural too, which earned a puff of air and a smile from me.</p><p>I sat on the couch and picked up the datapad from the coffee table.</p><p>“Alright, can I call you Z? So I don't have to say all that stuff?”</p><p>“Again, you may call me what you’d like.” He paused. “I can help you set up your datapad if you’d like? I can sync it to my programming for you, master Bek”</p><p>The master part really threw me off. I wasn't used to being the one with power over someone, at least not like this.</p><p>“I would appreciate that, Z. Also, You don't have to call me master. You can call me Johari.” I watched as my datapad transferred all my old files from the Fulmanatrix.</p><p>“Affirmative, Johari.”</p><p>I liked having Z already. It used to be so lonely sitting in my quarters alone at night. At least now there would always be something at my side.<br/>“Z, will you come with me to my assignment as well?” I turned to him.</p><p>“I do have clearance to the bridge, sir, if you’d like me to join you.”</p><p>Not many people brought their droids with them on the Fulmanatrix, and a droid would definitely make me stand out more. But I know I would feel more comfortable with him there, even if we had just met. I figured I would decide in the morning.</p><p>My stomach grumbled once again, reminding me I was hungry.</p><p>“Z, where can I get something to eat around here?.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Caution</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Upon arrival at our posts at the command center, Brin and I had learned there would be no welcoming committee like at the hanger the day prior.</p><p>Lucky for me, Brin was already in the lift on his way down when Z and I got on to head to work for the first day. After I introduced them to each other, Z turned to me, asking,</p><p>“Johari, Is this the same Brin who caused your bloodied nose while at the academy?” Droids were not very good at being discrete.</p><p>As I settled in the day before, I told Z all about myself, and to my surprise he was quite the conversationalist (afterall, it was in his programming).</p><p>Brin's face turned bright red, which I knew matched my own. He gave me a very remorseful smile and shrugged.</p><p>“Yeah, Z. But like I said, it's okay now.” I scratched the back of my neck.</p><p>The three of us exited the lift, and walked in silence towards the bridge. As we turned the corner down the hallway, a group of stormtroopers held their backs to the wall, at attention. This was a practice I knew well, someone of importance was coming. One of the Big Guys. I didn't bother to see who it was as I stood stiffly next to Brin and the troopers. Unfortunately Z hadn't quite gotten the message, to which I promptly pulled him from the middle of the hall to my side.</p><p>The heavy clop of boots quickly approached.</p><p>I lifted my chin and straightened my back as I waited for the mass of black to pass by me. Only it didn't.</p><p>My eyes followed the darkness to a set of massive shoulders, on which sat that helmet, its sharp and jutting edges framing a void. I knew there were eyes somewhere in there, but the hole seemed endless. The static in my head buzzed.</p><p>Supreme Leader. I knew who he was and what he looked like (or what the mask looked like at least) and knew he was on this ship, but I didn't expect to ever see him, let alone come into any sort of contact.<br/>I don't know how long he’d been staring down at me before his head turned to look at my droid. He studied Z, hands balled into fists. Finally I blinked the dry out of my eyes, just before his head snapped to look back at me. I made it a point not to flinch. I’d dealt my hand with plenty of bullies, I knew what this was.</p><p>I watched his chest bounce slightly as he huffed, the quiet noise sounding warped and distorted. He turned away and stomped down the remainder of the hallway, out of sight. And with his absence, the buzzing in my mind ceased. Coincidence. Just the anxiety.</p><p>At ease, everyone carried on with their business. I felt a tug at my arm.</p><p>“Hey..” Brin and Z stared at me, “you good? That dudes crazy.” Brin chuckled.</p><p>“Yeah, sorry. Lets go.” I shook my head back to reality.</p><p>I lectured Z about the recent event, and to get out of the way faster next time as we approached the command center entrance. The doors opened with a whoosh and an extra chilly wave of air. The bridge looked the same as it did on the last ship. Not sure why I expected something different. All these ships were built the same, just like the people who manned them. Everyone's heads lifted from their work, making the room grow quiet.</p><p>Take a picture why don't you.</p><p>General Hux, who looked a bit agitated, forced yet again another smile.</p><p>“Hope your morning is going better than mine, Officers.” He sighed,“Please, let me show you to your stations.” we followed him as he guided us across the room. The staring heads moved with us as we did</p><p>“Officer Heath, your station is right here. Settle in, your supervisor will be with you shortly.” He offered Brin a nod as he turned on his heel.</p><p>“I do hope CZ-54 is working effectively so far, Officer Bek.” He slowed his pace to walk even with Z and I.</p><p>“Yes, I think He will be a big help with my work, thank you General.” We approached an empty station.</p><p>“Well, here you are. Everything should operate the same here as it did on the Fulmanatrix, but if you are in need of anything…” He paused.Nodding his head to motion around the room,</p><p>“feel free to ask. I understand the difficulties of adapting to a new workplace.” his voice had lowered form its usual striking tone.</p><p>I understood that this was merely a warning, that the rest of them wouldn't make this an easy job.</p><p>“I appreciate your help, General.” Even if things were to become a struggle, at least I had Z, Brin, and now General Hux in my court. He nodded his head before walking away, disappearing behind doors I assumed led to his office.</p><p>Thankfully there was an extra chair at my station where I forced Z to sit, it was very awkward having him stand next to me as I got to work. After I had really gotten into my zone, Z chimed in,</p><p>“Sir, it's become clear that your presence has disrupted many in the room, some of your co officers have failed to return to their work, why is this so?” Once again, droids were not pros when it came to discretion. His comment both annoyed me, and surprised me.</p><p>“Uh.. new guys in town, maybe they're intimidated by Brin and I.” I lied.</p><p>“Perhaps..”</p><hr/><p> </p><p>My first few weeks went just as I had expected. Some days I would get to my station to see rude notes left on my chair, or spit on the desktop’s screen. The notes would say something along the lines of “alien scum” or accusing me of being a rebellion mole. Or, if General Hux was in his office, they would throw shit at me. Kick my chair as they walked by.</p><p>It upset Z more than it did me. He didn't understand the hostility and teasing. But that's all it was to me, teasing. I didn't want to waste my time tattling to Hux (mostly because it would probably make it all worse). I figured it would die down soon. Brin didn't seem to notice and just like Hux, I decided to keep him in the dark. It would all pass soon.</p><p>Speaking of which, Brin and I didn't talk much anyways. We walked to and from work together, making light small talk about our assignments here and there. Really I think we both liked the comfort of a familiar face.</p><p>One night, after an especially draining day of being taunted by my peers, I laid sprawled out on my bed. I had just powered Z down for the night, and was on the brink of a good night's sleep when the doors to my mind were being brutally beaten. I shot upright in bed. This wasn't like the last time. It didn't...hurt. It wasn't like anyone was trying to get in. It was more like violent waves crashing onto a shore inside my head.</p><p>I held my head in my hand as I searched around my quarters, was there something planted here? Was this a prank from those assholes at the bridge? Was I crazy?</p><p>I opened my front door and peeked out into the hallway, was anyone else feeling like this? I closed the door after finding the hallway was deserted, and layed down on the couch. Guess I’ll just wait this out.</p><p>Waiting it out turned into falling asleep, seeing as though that's where I found myself when I woke up for work.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>That morning on our usual route to the command center Brin pointed out the increased number of stormtroopers passing us in the halls.</p><p>“I wonder what's happened up here..”</p><p>As we turned the corner, the hallway was blocked off by caution tape and guards.</p><p>“What happened here?” I asked one of the troopers. Wires and lights hung from the ceiling. The walls looked like a giant animal had clawed its way through them, exposing the wiring behind the metal paneling. Not only were they completely shredded, but the walls were also charred, like someone had set a fire.</p><p>“Listen, you didn't hear it from me,” I always found it humorous when stormtroopers were so casual,” but the Supreme Leader had a little meltdown again last night.” He chuckled.</p><p>Supreme leader? Meltdown? Interesting. But not something I wanted to get involved in. Not after the staredown a few weeks ago. I shuddered at the thought.</p><p>“Damn… didn't know the guy had such a temper.” Brin leaned over the caution tape to get a better look.</p><p>“You're in for a real treat then Officer.” The stormtrooper turned his attention back to his partners. Brin raised an eyebrow at me. I shrugged in return, and we made our way to an alternate route to the command center. I didn't want to be late, especially if thats how people took their anger out around here.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Unacceptable</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The three of us practically burst through the threshold of the command centers doors. The alternate route ended up being longer than Brin and I had planned, seeing as though there was more than one cleanup zone from the Supreme Leader’s bad temper. It looked as if the ship had been under attack. My mind flickered to the events from not too ago. I blinked away the pictures in my mind.</p><p>The hoards of storm troopers did not help to quicken the pace either.</p><p>The bridge was tense, and dead silent (save for the tapping of fingers on buttons and datapads) when we arrived. I scanned the room, not a single soul looked up from their stations. How unusual… It's never been this quiet here, or on the Fulmanatrix.</p><p>I looked at Brin, who had not seemed to notice, and was already moving to his post. I settled for the same as Z and I made our way to my station on the other side of the room. Our footsteps seemed to echo, it was so quiet. I didn’t mind the silence quite honestly, less bodily fluids and taunting being sent my way. I plopped in my seat, and turned to face Z beside me,</p><p>“It's different in here today, don't you think?” Z looked around, and then back at me,</p><p>“I suggest maybe there are problematic and serious galactic matters your fellow officers are handling. Or perhaps they no longer care that you are not human like they are.”</p><p>My lips curled at the bluntness of the last half of his statement. He made a good point though, I might be missing something. I shifted my focus to my station and searched through the notifications.</p><p>The buzzing krept in. It sat right at the back of my skull, skimming the surface of my brain. Chills ran down my neck and back, and almost as if I knew it was going to happen, the door to General Hux’s office whooshed open behind me.</p><p>“Officer Bek.” I stood up out of my chair and straightened my back. He did not offer me a fake smile per usual as he stood in the doorway.</p><p>“General.”</p><p>“I wish to see you in my office please.” He motioned for me to enter.</p><p>“Sit tight Z.” I patted him on the shoulder and made my way across the room.</p><p>My peers finally looked up from their stations, eyebrows creased in distress. What was this about, and why were they seemingly worried for me now? Maybe they heard some tidbit that I was going to be fired. The radio static spread from my head to my ears.</p><p>I'd been in Hux’s office plenty of times, mostly for short work meetings seeing as though I reported directly to him, but occasionally after I'd given him any updates we’d make small talk about life on board. He was kind when he wanted to be. And a terrible yet subtle gossip. That's why the sweat collecting on his temples was a bit alarming.</p><p>He followed me in as the door shut behind us. I recognized the replica Star Killer Base globe that sat on his desk. The general took his seat behind it.</p><p>What I didn’t recognize was the black mass standing in the far corner.</p><p>My eyes met those of the creatures- or at least the void where they would be. Framed by dented metal, the Supreme Leader’s gaze made me freeze in place. Robes darker than the never ending space outside encased his broad shoulders, and flowed to the floor.</p><p>After a few seconds of our staring contest, he shifted, standing straight from his lean against the wall, and unfolding his large arms. My eyes followed his right hand, down to the gnarly lightsaber at his side.</p><p>So this is why everyone had been so quiet outside, they were scared.</p><p>It was then that I was pulled from my trance. Realizing my mouth was agape, I shut it promptly and saluted the man, trying my best to maintain posture as my heart raced in my chest. I was definitely not expecting to see him here. And definitely did not want to upset him. One wrong move and I was toast. Literally.</p><p>“Supreme Leader, sir.”</p><p>“At ease Officer. Take a seat, please.” The General sighed. I nodded and tried to settle across from him. I could feel the Supreme Leaders eyes on me, his gaze was heavy and intense.</p><p>“Supreme Leader Kylo Ren,” Hux practically spat the words, “will be attending a small conference on Akavia, to the capital Myrra, to suggest some adjustments to their agreements with the First Order.”</p><p>I tried to listen and be as attentive as I could, but between the rumbling that had started in my head and the heated gaze I was receiving from the terrifying helmet man in the corner, it was a bit hard. My hands fidgeted in my lap.</p><p>“Unfortunately, their leader will be off planet, and the political advisor in place does not speak Galactic Basic, therefore, a translator will be needed.” I nodded my head.</p><p>Did that mean me? Why couldn't he take a droid?</p><p>“General Hux thinks it is more personable for a human to accompany me, rather than a droid.” A deep, scratchy mumble escaped the Supreme Leaders helmet. His gaze shifted to the man in front of me.</p><p>Based on his… tone? I could now put it together: they were annoyed with one another. This thought amused me. Does the Supreme Leader get into fights with his co-workers too?</p><p>As if he heard me, his emotionless look snapped back to me.</p><p>“Yes, well, I figured it would be good for business. People like people. You are to go with him and translate their meeting for one another. Are you capable?”</p><p>Was I capable? I wasn't able to make out if it was a jab at my abilities, or reassurance that I would be comfortable going on this assignment. I didn't have a choice either way.</p><p>“Yes sir. I feel I am well equipped for the task.” I gulped.</p><p>“Splendid. I figured as much, I knew you were the best of the best.” He raised a smug eyebrow. I understood now the general wasn't the one who feared I wasn't going to be able to handle it. “The two of you will leave at 0400 from the shuttle hangar.” What an ungodly hour.</p><p>Wait. The two of us?</p><p>“Just the two fo us, sir?” I tried not to let my voice quiver, and hoped the Supreme Leader would take no offense.</p><p>“Is that an issue, Officer?” perhaps he had….</p><p>“No, sir.” I shook my head,” Just wondering if there will be security.” I tried to cover up my mistake.</p><p>“There will be stormtrooper escorts, but the goal is to be minimal. Not overpowering if we don't have to.” Hux shot his superior some side eye.</p><p>“Understood.”</p><p>“Well. With that you are dismissed, Officer Bek. I’ve sent additional information to your data pad.” He stood and motioned me out.<br/>“Thank you sir.” I turned to leave, but the pressure in my head urged me to pause. I instead looked past Hux.</p><p>“Supreme Leader. Pleasure meeting you.” Before anyone said anything I booked it out. Once the doors closed behind me I let out all the air in my lungs.</p><p>Why did I feel so compelled to address him like that? It was very uncommon that sort of behavior went unpunished. I tried to shake off my unease and anxiety, and scurried back to my seat next to Z.</p><p>It was now that I realized all eyes were back on me, per usual.</p><p>“Johari! What news! I have received data on an assignment off ship!” Z seemed much more enthused than I was.</p><p>I guess it was a bit exciting. Who knew someone like me would work so far up the chain. Hell, I was working with the Supreme Leader of the First Order. If he wasn't such a terrifying bastard, I'd say that's pretty good.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I started on the day's workload, trying to catch up so I wouldn't have to worry about what I would be missing the following day. I might have been trying to distract myself from thinking about the next day's assignment as well. After reading the file General Hux sent, Z told me I would only be gone for a day, thankfully. I couldn't imagine spending any longer with the Supreme Leader.</p><p>The gentle grasp on my skull never faltered, and I'd honestly forgotten about it as I worked. Until the doors to the General’s office opened once more.</p><p>It took a moment to realize the entire room was shuffling to stand. Once Z nudged me, I hastily followed suit in standing to salute. The door shut behind the Supreme Leader.</p><p>I honestly had forgotten he was still in there. The grasp in my head had now turned into a rumble, like the aftershock of an earthquake. I stared blankly ahead as he made his way towards the door out of the command center.</p><p>Although he didn't go to the door. He walked right past it. He was walking towards me.</p><p>Oh this was it, I was going to get reprimanded for speaking after being dismissed. He was going to slice me up like he did to the walls of the ship.<br/>He towered over me as he stopped at what felt only inches away. He smelled like leather.</p><p>I shifted my eyes to meet his, only he wasn't looking at me. His gaze followed his hand, which was outstretched to my side.</p><p>Was he reaching for my droid? Was he going to hurt Z instead? Was he going to smash my datapad?</p><p>His arm yoinked back to reveal a piece of paper between his gloved fingers. I recognized the slip from the various notes that get stuck to the back of my chair on a daily basis.</p><p>How could I have missed it?</p><p>He stared at the paper, reading what was scribbled on it over and over. He was silent, but he was so close I could hear soft breathing. Not the deep scratchy sound that usually emitted from the mask. I flinched as he flipped the note to show me what was written on it.</p><p>“Son of a bantha, Hutts spawn!”</p><p>So, the usual. Pretty tame actually.</p><p>I looked up at the masked man, I wasn't sure what he would make of this. I hadn't reported anything to any superior, figuring it would do more harm than good. The rumbling in my skull came to a halt completely. My head was empty again.</p><p>Quickly, the Supreme Leader turned on his heel and headed for the center of the room. His head moved to look around the room as he held the note out.</p><p>“Completely unacceptable behavior. If this childish tomfoolery persists, the culprit will not be alone in punishment, you will all face consequences for enabling it. This is my command center. You are my TEAM. Act like it.” His voice boomed.</p><p>He crumpled the paper in his hand and left, robes whipping behind him. Knowing what I knew, this was insanley tame for him. It was out of character for him to be so, merciful.</p><p>I had not been expecting that, at all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading! im having a lot of fun writing this, and ive got a lot in store!!</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Color</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em> My skin soaked up the sunlight that poured from the break in the tree above me. I watched the branches dance in the breeze. The grass between my fingers was soft and damp. This wasn't home, but it felt like it. </em>
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  <em> Down the hill from where I sat, I could see the small settlement. I knew it, but I didn't. Few people wandered about the stone huts. I knew them, but I also didn't.  </em>
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  <em> I looked down to the hands that clamped to the wet ground, I could tell from the rosy peach skin that they were not mine. </em>
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  <em>Somewhere far off someone called for me, but it wasn't my name. I scanned the settlement for the source of the sound. It was a man in beige robes, hair greying just like his beard. He stood and waved for me from the door of the biggest domed building. My vessel stood, lets that werent quite mine making their way to him.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The blare of my alarm pulled me from the dreamscape. Nerves over the days assignment must have had my brain jumbled. 0300 brightly projected from my datapad onto the ceiling. I hauled my ass from bed to start getting ready.</p><p> </p><p>After yesterday's events on the bridge, Z and I waited until we got home to chatter about it. I even avoided walking with Brin, afraid of what he might have said. </p><p> </p><p>Z sat next to me on the couch as I blabbered on about my fears and confusion to him. He didn't have much to say, but I was grateful for his company nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>Why would a man capable of overthrowing entire systems go out of his way to protect my feelings? Was I going mad? The guy slices his own ship open for fun, why had he not just done the same to me and saved the trouble of actually lecturing my colleagues? Im perfectly replaceable, quite honestly a droid could do my job if they weren't so worried about saving face and looking good.</p><p> </p><p>What a mystery.</p><p>
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</p><p>I stared at the bags under my eyes, and splashed some cold water on my face to help me wake up.</p><p> </p><p>As hesitant as I was to work alongside The Kylo Ren, I was happy I would get to leave the ship. It had been so long since I stood on solid ground, and a change of scenery would be nice.</p><p> </p><p>I had read Myrra was warm, and smiled at the thought of the sun's rays beating down on me. It surely would beat the ice cold AC on the ship.</p><p> </p><p>Z had made me breakfast after I powered him on, which I hardly touched. My nerves were taking over, causing a solid pit to form in my stomach.  After picking at my plate for a bit too long, I rushed to put my uniform on.</p><p>Sometimes I was thankful I didn't have hair, how annoying it would be to have to fix every morning, saves me the time. I gave myself a final look-over in the mirror and flashed a fang-y grin before making my way to the front door.</p><p> </p><p>My hand hesitated over the release pad.</p><p> </p><p>“Z?” I turned to my droid, who worked on clearing my breakfast dishes. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes Johari?”</p><p> </p><p>“Will you walk with me to the hangar? I don't want to be alone.”</p><p> </p><p>“The dishe-”</p><p> </p><p>“You can do them when you get back. Please?”  I realized droids don't have emotions, and that Z was not as attached to me as I was him. He was made to do tasks for me, not be my friend. But this was my first big boy assignment, I was scared and he’s all I had. </p><p> </p><p>“Of course sir. Let us go.” He set the plate down on the counter and followed me out into the hall. </p><p> </p><p>The hallways were barren at this early hour, hardly a stormtrooper in sight. I trudged beside Z as we made our way to the hanger in silence. </p><p> </p><p>As we emerged onto the balcony overlooking the vast space, I checked my watch, 10 minutes early. I didn’t see anyone else down on the floor so I parked myself against the railing looking over the hanger.</p><p> </p><p>Shuttles lined the floors, while tie fighters perched against the walls. It was all very organized from the birds eye view. It looked the same as the day I had arrived. </p><p> </p><p>Once again the gaudy ship with oversized wings caught my eye. It was all black, while the rest of the ships were a light grey. It sat at the back of the hanger, closest to the exit. </p><p> </p><p>Pressure started to build at the back of my head. I wasn't ready to address what exactly it meant yet.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo Ren and three storm troopers emerged from below. He walked with such power, but grace. His loud stomping distracted from how he seemed to glide across the floor. The troopers followed suit at a distance. I watched silently, waiting for them to enter a shuttle, so I would know which one to board. Confusion set in as the group passed by almost all the shuttles. </p><p> </p><p>The ramp to the sinister looking black ship descended with a hiss that echoed through the hanger. Of course that's his ship. </p><p> </p><p>I put two and two together as a stormtrooper boarded behind the Supreme Leader. The other two stood guard outside. Time to go.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, that's my cue.” I turned to Z, “hopefully I’ll see you later tonight. Thanks for walking me” I offered him a shy smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course!” he places a hand on my shoulder, “you will do great Johari! Your skills are nowhere near a droid, but still very efficient!” I laughed at his optimism and honesty, and waved bye as I descended the stairs.</p><p> </p><p>Walking through the massive hanger made me feel tiny, but I tried my hardest to not let that show as I approached the ship. I clutched my datapad at my side. The storm troopers nodded me on board and followed me up the ramp. </p><p> </p><p>The ship was very obviously not built for lots of passengers. There were two seats on either side of the ship, and straight ahead was the door that I assumed led to the cockpit. I took a seat, and strapped myself in across from the two stormtroopers. </p><p> </p><p>The third stormtrooper emerged from the doorway, and being nosey, I strained my neck to try and get a glimpse of the inside. I was unfortunate in my attempt as my vision was blocked by the trooper taking a seat next to me.</p><p> </p><p>“Waiting for clearance and then we are taking off.” His helmet nodded at the two across from me, who nodded in return. The ramp groaned as it began to close. </p><p> </p><p>I felt even more out of place. Typically I wasn't always the only officer around, and stormtroopers weren't exactly the easiest to make small talk with. I settled into the hard seat and decided I would get some rest on the ride, it would be a while until we arrived, anyways. </p><p> </p><p>Unlike the night before, my sleep was dreamless. I was woken by a light tapping on my knee.</p><p> </p><p>“Sir." The trooper stepped back, "We're here.” His robotic voice brought me out of my haze. </p><p> </p><p>I held my head and cringed, we must have just come out of hyperspace. It always made me nauseous. The closer we got to the destination the less worried I became. I was excited to be on a new planet, and do an easy job. To be fair I knew translating would be the easy part. Keeping my nerves around the Supreme Leader, posed a challenge.</p><p> </p><p>The ship jolted as smoothly as it could possibly be as we landed, and the ramp made its descent. Kylo Ren, surprisingly, wasn't a half bad pilot.</p><p>As if on cue, he emerged from the cockpit. The ramp finished opening and a gust of warm air filled the ship immediately. He promptly marched down and out into the bright sunlight. Seeing as though I was next in rank, I followed suit, and behind me two of the stormtroopers. </p><p> </p><p>I shielded my eyes from the planet's bright suns. I had to stop and let my eyes adjust, I didn't have the luxury of eye coverage like the rest of the party. When my eyesight returned to normal, I took in the world around me.</p><p> </p><p>We were on a quite busy landing pad attached to the palace. All around me spires of jagged rock covered in moss and vines protruded from the ground. Some raised higher than where I stood, and held structures and platforms. The city below bustled as speeders raced by. I watched people move about in a colorful marketplace, from which the smells of cooking meat and fresh spices rose in the air.The palace itself was built in the same style as the rest of the buildings, but up close there was much more detail. The building was round like saucers, but still elegant. It was the most color I'd seen in so long, perhaps since before I joined the First Order all the time ago.</p><p> </p><p>I couldn't help but to smile at all the greenery, something I'd missed so dearly. And the sky.... It was the most perfect shade of blue. I savored the sight of the fluffy clouds contrasting against it. Blue had always been my favorite color, shame I didnt see it often.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Wow” </p><p> </p><p>The tug at the base of my mind led my gaze to the Supreme Leader, who was waiting for me a few paces ahead. Next to him stood a guard, who was to lead us into the palace. They stared at me while I caught up. My cheeks flushed. I reminded myself I was here for work, not sightseeing.</p><p> </p><p>“My apologies, sir.” I kept my head down as they started towards the entrance. I didn’t even earn a grunt in response. </p><p> </p><p>“Before your meeting with Advisor Brajame, a proper tour of the palace is in order.” The guard looked to the Supreme leader for a response.</p><p> </p><p>“I see, I was unaware of this in the agenda.” He huffed</p><p> </p><p>I could tell this did not sit well with him, but he didn't put up a fight. He had to put on a good face for the negotiations.</p><p> </p><p>I, on the other hand, was ecstatic. Studying cultures was my favorite part of learning a new language, so naturally I became a bit of a history junkie over time. </p><p> </p><p>The poor guard awaited for Kylo Ren to give his approval. I couldn't believe this terrifying man was this socially inept. </p><p> </p><p>“That would be lovely, thank you, sir.” I chimed in from behind the large black wall of robes. Hopefully I wasn't pushing my luck too far. Not only did I desperately want to go on the tour, I knew it would be good manners to accept.</p><p> </p><p>“Right this way then.” The guard offered a nervous smile and led us down the halls.</p><p> </p><p>An hour had never gone by so fast. I listened tentatively as our guide explained the beautiful details of the palace. The floors were tiled and mosaic white. While the walls were a pale blue clay. It made the servants and various staff members stand out. Different species wearing clothes if different vibrant colors scurried past us on their duties. Perhaps my human party were the ones who felt alienated now.</p><p> </p><p>We were shown the dining hall, throne room, and a terrace that overlooked the capital city. I gave our guide my full attention, while the Supreme Leader stood idly. I feared repercussions  for taking the lead next to the guide, but he didn't seem too bothered. </p><p> </p><p>It did annoy me how disinterested he seemed. He was doing business, and stationing troops on this planet, he was the ruler of the power that united the galaxy, shouldn't he just try to care?</p><p> </p><p>“That concludes the tour, Advisor Brajame will see you now.” We were led to a set of large doors. </p><p> </p><p>“We thank you very much, it was delightful.” I offered the guard a smile as I fell back in ranks behind the Supreme Leader and in front of the troopers.</p><p> </p><p>Brajame stood from his seat at the end of a long conference table to greet us. The Supreme Leader and I found our seats across from him, the troopers stationed on either side of the room.</p><p> </p><p>The advisor was an Abednedo. He was an older man, so his once tan skin had lost its glow and was now a pasty cream color. White hair tufted out to frame his triangular shaped head. It was quite hard to look at him in the eye, seeing as though they were so far apart.</p><p> </p><p>He motioned for us to sit down, and spoke. I greeted him back kindly. Kylo Ren tilted his helmet at me.</p><p> </p><p>“He's just welcomed us.” He nodded. </p><p> </p><p>“Tell him i'd like to get started.” He stared at me through his helmet. I realized how he thought this would go. It would be rude to just speak to me, and then I translate to the advisor. He was to act as though the conversation were happening fluidly. I learned this at the academy.</p><p>He looked at me, waiting to translate.</p><p> </p><p>“Excuse my directness, Supreme Leader. But to be more…. Personable, speak to Advisor Brajame as though you understand the conversation. Lack of eye contact may be mistaken for disrespect.” His helmet looked at me blankly, before turning to face the advisor, who wore a look of confusion. </p><p> </p><p>“My apologies, Advisor. Shall we get started.” </p><p> </p><p>I translated, once again my cheeks flushed. God, I needed to stop pushing it or I was going to meet a dark fate by the hands of this man.</p><p>
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</p><p>The meeting dragged on for literal hours, it felt like. That much talking really wears a person out. By the end of the meeting my throat was dry and achy. </p><p> </p><p>Luckily, the Supreme leader was able to keep his cool, even when the Advisor attempted to throw him through several loops. Politicians are always doing that shit.</p><p> </p><p> As scary as the man is, I was impressed to see that the Supreme Leader knew his way around a business agreement, for the most part. I thought he would be all brawn, no brains.</p><p> </p><p>After parting ways with Brajame we were led back to the hanger. The suns were now setting on the horizon, painting the sky with faint blues, oranges and purples. I took it in for as long as I could while following Kylo Ren to the ship. I didnt know when I would get to see this much color again…</p><p> </p><p>I stopped one last time to admire the view before ascending the ramp. The supreme leader waited at the top, while the troopers strapped themselves into their seats. </p><p> </p><p>I nodded my head at him in an attempt to make way to my seat, but was stopped. </p><p> </p><p>“Officer Bek, please join me in the cockpit.” He motioned for the door. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes sir.”</p><p> </p><p>Now THIS was it. I have done it now. Where did I gather the nerve to be correcting the Supreme leader like that? I had never been this bold before I joined the Finalizer crew.</p><p> </p><p>I was walking to my grave. General Hux had chosen the wrong person to represent the First Order. He had too much faith in me.</p><p>
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</p><p>The cockpit was small, only room for two seats, the large pilot's chair and miniature version which was the co-pilot's chair. As he entered behind me, he motioned for the co-pilot's chair. </p><p> </p><p>“I don't fly, sir.” I hated to disappoint yet again.</p><p> </p><p>“Not a problem. Sit.” I did what I was told. The dashboard in front of me consisted of flashing buttons and levers that were foreign to me, but interesting all the same.</p><p> </p><p>The Supreme Leader sat in the chair next to me, and began flipping and poking at them. </p><p> </p><p>“I sense your unease in your performance today.” He spoke as the ship prepared to take off. </p><p> </p><p>Here we go..</p><p> </p><p> “Do not fret, there is a reason you rank highly in the first order. Quite frankly I found your enthusiasm for this planet to be intriguing, and you make up in areas I lack.”</p><p> </p><p>Was he complimenting me? It was a shock coming from the man everyone feared. I’d been a high ranking officer on other posts, but never before had I gained anyones respect enough for them to admit it like so. I smiled. The ship took off from the landing pad.</p><p> </p><p>“People pleasing. As much as I hate to say it, General Hux was correct. A droid could not do this job.” </p><p> </p><p>I watched the beautiful sky disappear as we left the atmosphere. I missed it already. The static in my head dug deeper for just a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you sir. I take pride in my skill, and my ability to use it to help the First Order.” I croaked and practically coughed out the last words, now remembering my sore throat.</p><p> </p><p>He turned to me, “Have you fallen ill, Officer?” I quickly shook my head.</p><p> </p><p>“No my throat is just sore, sir.” my voice had become hoarse. "It's been a while since I've talked that much." </p><p> </p><p>“I see. We are jumping to hyperspace. Feel free,” he paused, “to rest.”</p><p> </p><p>I didn't care to ponder on the conversation any longer. While I was grateful for the odd amount of kindness the Supreme Leader had decided to show me, I was beat. The co-pilot’s chair was much more comfortable than the passenger chairs, and I quickly dozed off into yet another dreamless sleep.</p><p>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:) The chapters will start getting longer like this one now. Also sometimes you just have to make up shit about star wars, and that is okay.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Homesick</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We arrived back on the Finalizer fairly early in the cycle, just as we had departed the day before.</p><p> </p><p>I wasn't able to stay asleep for long on the trip back. Maybe it was the swirling blue light that engulfed the ship outside the window in front of me. </p><p> </p><p>Or the fact that the Supreme Leader sat awkwardly silent in the pilot's chair. I tried my best to pay him no mind, and focus on getting at least a wink of sleep. I had a feeling I wasn't going to get to catch up on rest before reporting to my station. There were no days off in the First Order. Unless you were literally dying.</p><p> </p><p>Aside from the occasional radio chatter, the silence was welcoming, and peaceful as I settled for just starting out the window. I felt almost hypnotized. Every so often, if I was still enough, I would catch the slightest movement in my peripheral. The smallest tilt of Ren’s helmet. I couldn't imagine wearing that thing all day. He must be sweaty under there. Unless he never takes it off…. ever?</p><p> </p><p>At first I thought he might just be checking the controls. It aggravated me how hard he was to read, and found it rude my superior was lacking in professionalism.</p><p> </p><p>I waited until I caught it again, and may have gotten a little too brave. I turned my head to look up at his, causing him to jump in his seat. </p><p> </p><p>You'd think a man with his abilities wouldn't be so jumpy. I concealed a smirk as I returned my gaze straight ahead of me.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
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</p><p>Leaving hyperspace still left me with a nauseating feeling, I tried my best to ignore it as we prepared to dock. Ren swapped clearance codes over the commlink.</p><p> </p><p>Home sweet home. That reminded me of my bed. I desperately wanted to fall into it and sleep the day away. </p><p> </p><p>I followed the Supreme Leader out the cockpit and down the ramp, the storm troopers dispersing around the hanger behind us. There was no 'welcome back’ crew.</p><p> </p><p>Before I could ask, he stopped and turned to me,</p><p> </p><p>“A written report of the negotiations to General Hux will be in order. This is your duty.” His voice was stern.</p><p> </p><p>Ah, of course. The work never ends. Just as I had expected. </p><p> </p><p>“Take the day off, Officer.” The sternness hadn't left him, but his words were considerably kind.</p><p> </p><p>Not what I had expected.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes sir. Thank you sir.” I straightened my posture. Without skipping a beat, he departed.</p><p> </p><p>I waited until he was no longer visible to pump my fist in the air. A day off, ordered from the Supreme Leader himself. I'll be damned. My brain fizzled.</p><p> </p><p>I couldn't wait to tell Z about the assignment, but it would have to wait until I got some sleep. My body felt like cement as I crashed into my bed.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>I woke around lunch time, stretching under the scratchy blankets. I had so much time to myself today, but I still had a deadline hanging over my head. I shuffled to the living room and powered Z up.</p><p> </p><p>“Johari! Splendid to see you back! How was your trip?” He waved his arms around. I yawned,</p><p> </p><p>“It was interesting to say the least.” I plopped on the couch with my datapad, “I have to write up a report to send to General Hux. Perhaps you could make me something to eat while I work? And then I’ll tell you all about it.” </p><p> </p><p>He might have been a communications droid, but his cooking skills were unmatched. </p><p> </p><p>“Certainly! I cannot wait to hear.” </p><p> </p><p>“Could you make some tea as well? My throat hurts”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>I reread my report before sending it in, blowing at the steam that billowed up from my mug. It was quite lengthy, but I never fell short of writing an excellent review. Relief washed over me as I watched it send.</p><p> </p><p>Z sat next to me on the couch as I recounted the previous day's events, taking breaks to scarf down the lunch he made. I made sure to include every single detail I could.</p><p> </p><p>“The sky was breathtaking Z. The capital was filled with so many more colors, unlike the dull monochromatic scheme here.” I kicked my feet up on the coffee table.</p><p> </p><p>“I do not have a firsthand memory of colorful landscapes. But, I have access to the data records in my files, which contain limitless photographs from across the galaxy. I have a wide variety of knowledge provided by the First Order” </p><p> </p><p>I sat straight up.</p><p> </p><p>“What? You mean like planets and stuff. That's so cool.”</p><p> </p><p>“Would you like to see, Johari?”</p><p> </p><p>“See?”  I furrowed my brow, </p><p> </p><p>Z proceeded to stand and face the blank wall next to the front door. </p><p> </p><p>“If you would not mind, getting the lights, Sir.” I scrambled for the light switch, realizing what he was going to do.</p><p> </p><p>The darkness of my suite was filled, as light beamed from Z’s eyes onto the wall. He projected a photo of an underwater city. Giant orbs and twinkling lights under the water's surface. I recognized it as the Gungan’s palace, I had read about Naboo a while back.</p><p> </p><p>I stood in awe. It seemed I didn't have to leave my room to see the entire galaxy.</p><p> </p><p>“This is incredible.” I smiled wide at Z.</p><p> </p><p>“Would you like to see more?” </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, yes please” I sat on the floor next to him and stared up at the wall.</p><p> </p><p>Z showed me photos from exotic forests, to dusty sand villages. Stills of desert festivals with vibrant fabrics and chalks flowing in the wind, cities that floated in the sky, creatures of all shapes and sizes. </p><p> </p><p>It was like a museum, right in my own home.</p><p> </p><p>He said he had limitless photos, I thought about that for a moment. Would it be painful, or a feeling of relief to see my homeworld once again.</p><p> </p><p>“Z?” I looked up from the spot on the floor. “Do you have any photos of Kiros?”</p><p> </p><p>He searched his files for a moment, “I do, in fact. That is your homeworld, right Johari?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, it is. Could you show me?” Z seemed to hesitate.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course.”</p><p> </p><p>The image flipped to a pointed cliff, waterfalls flowing from its sides. Structures arranged in a circle around a grand building. It resembled a Togrutan’s monrails and lekku. </p><p> </p><p>I knew this colony, it was famous from a battle during the Clone Wars. Many of my childhood friend’s grandparents were from there, but moved to the smaller settlements after the war. </p><p> </p><p>Tears threatened the back of my eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“You know this place?” </p><p> </p><p>“Kinda..” I wiped my nose. “Can you keep going?” </p><p> </p><p>For hours, Z flipped through photos of Kiros. To some they would look like boring lakes, grassy landscapes, trees, mountains and smiling locals. But for me, it was everything. </p><p> </p><p>There were nights I lay awake, fearing I would inevitably forget my roots. Become so dedicated to my allegiance with the First Order that it would consume me. That I would never return home before my grandparents passed. That I would never get to go back and say goodbye to not only them, but the world I never got to know.</p><p> </p><p>My grandparents sent me away young, just as the First Orders powers began to arise. I was a troubled kid, grandpa thought the academy would straighten me out. They also figured I would be protected if I was on the strongest side, better with them then against them. For so long I thought they were wrong for this, why did they get to choose my destiny? I hated them for it, part of me still does. I spent so long being angry at them,</p><p> </p><p>I refused to answer the letters they sent to the academy. The only way I was allowed to contact them now was by sending a portion of my credits to them. At least they know I’m alive that way.</p><p> </p><p>As I got older, and saw the wrath of the First Order, I understood why they did what they did. And I regret doing what I did. </p><p> </p><p>I leaned on Z’s leg as I sobbed. I still felt betrayed. A world, culture, people and meaning. Ripped from me. The only place I might have belonged.</p><p> </p><p>The room went dark once again.</p><p> </p><p>“You are upset?” Z rested a hand between my montrails gently. “Do you miss it?”</p><p> </p><p>I looked at him in the dark, “sometimes.” I stood and wrapped my arms around the stiff droid.  </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you for showing me.”</p><p> </p><p>He probably thought this gesture was meaningless, droids we're not programmed with emotions, or emotion driven responses. But his cold arms wrapped around me regardless.</p><p> </p><p>A warmth cradled my mind. It felt sore with sorrow, but gentle and calming all the same. It was different from the typical feelings. I let myself lean into it, tap into the feeling as I stood in my droid's arms. </p><p>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter is one of my favorites that ive ever written, i hope you all liked it.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Consequences</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>After I undtanged myself from the cold embrace of my droid, I decided I needed some alone time, and powered Z down for the rest of the evening. I cleared the dishes from lunch, and let my mind get lost in the soapy water as I cleaned them. I wished I could wash away my past. It would make everything easier.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I checked the time on my datapad I was shocked at how late in the day it was, it hadn’t felt like we were looking at photos for that long. I didn't have anything near an appetite for dinner, but my rumbling stomach told me I needed to at least eat something. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I settled for a bag of First Order brand space chips that sat in my mostly empty cupboard. I sat on the couch and munched, not caring about the crumbs that collected in my lap. Honestly, they tasted like shit. But I was too drained to even care.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As I bit down on another chip, it suddenly hit me, how hard I was sulking. I blinked myself out of the haze. This was just pathetic. You’d think I was in the middle of some messy breakup. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I needed some air and to get out of my suite for a bit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Back on the Fulmanatrix when I was feeling stir crazy I would go to the gym reserved for higher ups. But I was not in the mood to work out with the possibility of being surrounded by the meatheads on this ship. A walk around the floor would suffice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My level was mostly made up of suites of the other officers and lieutenants, but I wasn't on the lookout for any new scenery anyways. I reached the door and realized I wasn't wearing my uniform, but rather a soft black sweater and grey sweatpants that bunched together at the bottom, with grey socks to match. I opted out of wearing shoes. It was rare that anyone wore their casual, comfort clothes outside of their quarters. And when they did it certainly was an odd sight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was already an odd sight, who cares. Besides, most people were occupied with dinner at this time of night, and have already returned from their posts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shuffled through the empty hall aimlessly, entirely bored of the grey, white and black color scheme. My hands sat comfortably in my pockets. I passed the hallway where the elevators were located, I hadn’t gone past this point yet, as I usually got on the elevators to get to work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sadly the rest of the hallway isn't much different than the rest, so I wasn't missing out on much. I continued down it until I came to the corner, peeking my head out to check out the scene. Same hallway. But this time, at the very end, was a large window. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This piqued my interest, and I quickened my pace to meet it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>While I did work in the command center that had a wall of windows, I didn't have the time to gawk out them all day. And I didn't have a window of my own in my suite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I leaned on the windowsill and stared out into oblivion. No matter how many times I’d seen it, open space was breathtaking. Stars scintillated all around us. Amazing. But also terrifying. There was so much out there that the darkness swallowed up, and it looked so good while doing it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could also spot the nose of another ship in the fleet closeby. I wondered if someone aboard it was also looking out the window, maybe thinking the same thing. I chuckled to myself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly I wasn't alone, I didn't hear anyone come down the hallway, but I felt it. Someone was there. I thought maybe if I ignored them, they would just walk by silently and we could avoid an awkward interaction that would come.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But then the static in my head flipped on, like a switch. It didn’t pull, but ushered me to turn around. I followed its request.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the very end of the hallway from which I had come, stood a figure. Their back turned to me. A head of wavy black hair sat atop a set of broad shoulders. Much like myself, they were out of uniform, and in lounge clothes. Their fists clenched to their sides. Rigid posture. Like a statue. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Were they out doing what I was? Clearing their head?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a small step away from the window. On cue the person's head snapped to look back at me. Even with only his side profile showing I could see the confusion plastered on his face. I was sure mine bore the same expression.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I opened my mouth, taking in a breath to speak, but not sure what to say. Maybe I had distrubed him during his alone time, or maybe he was going to come say something about me being a weirdo. It was typically the ladder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In an instant he began to turn around fully. I flinched from the sudden movement, and blinked. When my eyes opened once more on the expanse of the hallway, he had vanished.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was just right there. I let my mouth hang open further. There was no way someone would just poof away like that. I tried to rationalize what happened as I made my way back to my quarters and eyed the walls up and down. I probably looked like a crazy person.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I’d seen some shit, but this was just creepy. Maybe his suite was close by, and he had just gone inside? Maybe I was still exhausted and was just delusional. I didn’t have the brain power to toy with all the possible theories, I knew now I really just needed some more sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When I got back to my place I skipped the refresher and headed straight for my bed. The image of the man floated in my head as I drifted off. So much for a relaxing day off, right?</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>
  <span>Z had to practically drag me out of bed the next morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Back to work I went, same grey uniform, same grey hallways. After the trip, and Z’s projections, the dull color made me extra bored and grumpy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucky for me though, there wasn't a single bit of the usual vandalism on my desk. It was a win in my book.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The follow up meeting General Hux had planned to discuss the negotiations made on the assignment had been pushed back a week. The sly ginger man was off ship, doing general stuff. Fine by me, I had loads of work to catch up on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Which was nearly impossible to complete. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn't stop thinking about the events from the hallway. This mystery man filled my brain. I’d never seen him on the ship before. But it was a pretty big ship. Still… I knew all the people who lived on my level, I worked with them, and I haven't ever seen anyone like him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe a rogue stormtrooper? That shit happens…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This pressing matter reintroduced the head tingles. I tried not to think about the things I’d been feeling since boarding the Finalizer, but now it felt impossible to avoid. Were the two related?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Did the blast on the Fulmanatrix do this much damage to my head?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I let my head fall from my hands to my desk. What is happening to me? I have a perfect job and a mediocre life, I need to keep my head on my shoulders. I can't mess this up.</span>
</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>
  <span>I let myself fall deep into my work the rest of the week, and thankfully it flew by. As soon as I entered the command center one morning, I was met by Hux, who had been waiting for my arrival.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“General. Welcome back.” I offered a small smile. It was reciprocated with the classic fake smile of his that, truthfully, I had missed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. Thank you Officer Bek. I Believe we have much to discuss?” He motioned for his office, to which I nodded. I gave Z the nudge to leave us be, and followed Hux.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As we got to the end of the meeting, the man across from me spoke,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I must apologize. Usually an officer would not be subjected to this amount of work, or involvement with a matter like this. The Supreme Leader is not one for paperwork. He is a hands on type of person, if you will.” His tone turned sour at the end of his statement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mind, I found it quite interesting honestly.” It wasn't a lie, I truly found the experience intriguing and exciting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, good to hear. Ren found you just as interesting.” My eyes widened as the general let the words fall so freely out of his mouth. This is where the gossip session started, and work ended.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” I tried to hide my interest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He said you were excellent with the social parts of the assignment. Very rarely does he give out a compliment.” General Hux seemed to be just as snarky as he was jealous. I'm sure he was not one the Supreme Leader complimented often.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That's very good to hear,  I’m glad my work was to his standards.” I hoped Hux wouldn't take that as a jab.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn't able to tell because he replied with big news:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I suppose so because you will be accompanying him on another assignment off ship in four days time. I figured the first one went off without a hitch, that you were more than ready to take on another.” He leaned back in his chair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another trip to another planet? I could get used to this, if it wasn't for the giant caped goblin man I would have to be with. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am ready, Thank you for the opportunity sir.” I tried to conceal my beaming.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then that concludes our meeting, I’m starving for lunch. I’ll send details to your datapad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes sir.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn't have time to digest the events that unraveled in the general’s office. As I made my way back to my station I collided with a body much larger than mine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh Brin, I’m so sorry I wasn’t paying attention.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shit. I had been avoiding this guy all week, and up until now I was doing a pretty good job at it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No worries.” He scratched the back of his head, “Hey do you want to get lunch together maybe? I know you don't eat at the cafeteria, but I'm headed that way if you want to tag along?” His head was tilted and his usually hard features had softened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>God. I wanted nothing to do with that cafeteria, much less Brin too. He didn't do anything wrong, I just wasn't ready for the pity talk he would give me about the harassment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I couldn't say no, I needed a friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah sure. Sounds good.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I picked at the grey food on my tray. Why was everything here so dull? Brin and I sat in comfortable silence, until he broke it,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I never did anything, or said anything. The Supreme Leader was right, and I should have done what he did long before.” He stared at me from across the table. I knew this conversation was coming.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, if you had done anything you would have gotten the same treatment.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, it's not. I was a coward in the academy, on the Fulmanatrix, and I still am here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stared at him in disbelief. This was the same man who had shoved me up against walls and pretty much helped beat the shit out of me in the academy. Crazy how things change.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, for changing. I guess.” I wasn't sure what to say. He nodded silently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I got your back now man. I don't care if you’re purple.” We both laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After Brin's apology things felt less weird, like I felt like I was actually able to talk to the guy. We spent most of our lunch break swapping academy stories and insults on the cafeteria food.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Listen my droid can cook like no one's business he’s in-” I was cut off. A group of 3 officers approached our table, standing over us. I recognized all of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh so Officer Heath really is in kahoots with this scum?” His voice was shrill and his yellow teeth bore as he spoke. Officer Purst.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off man.” Brin stood up, he was bigger than the rest of them. The probes in my head practically bursted through the door to my brain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut it Heath. Ren isn’t here to save the day, now huh?” Purst spat the words at me. I didn't care enough to do more than glare at my tray as he leaned down to me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reached a hand out and grabbed my left head tail and yanked so I would look at him. He was disgusting. I tried my best to conceal the pain, contorting my face. What kind of sick fuck would put his hands on me like this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brin's attempt to free me was cut short by the two other men taking a hold of his arms. Unfortunately their attempt to restrain him wasn't able to be tested, as the three were sent flying backwards.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh my god. The rest of the cafeteria froze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pursts grip loosened as he stood to face whatever was looming behind us. Whatever had thrown three grown men across the room. I already knew.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face bore a look of fear and shame. The sound of heavy boots echoed in the large space, stopping behind me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was as I began to turn around I noticed how Purst was clawing at his neck. His feet had lifted off the ground.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Supreme Leader stood not far, focused on the man's squirming body.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did I not make myself clear the first time, Officer Purst? Your behaviour is unacceptable, and you and your comrades will now suffer the consequences.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The masked man turned to me. I wiped the tears I hadn't realized were silently flowing down my cheeks. He switched his gaze to the two other officers that had come with Purst, who were extended in air much like him. The entire cafeteria stood in shock, jaws wide open.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You all work on this ship because you are believed to be the best of the best. Officer Bek is far better than any of you. The three of you are a disgrace to the First Order.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Without hesitation, bones snapped. Bodies hit the floor. No one screamed, or yelped or even gasped. I didn’t flinch, because I was waiting for it. I wanted it so badly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before turning and leaving Ren looked down to me and spoke quietly, “Why do you let them do this to you. You know you are more.” </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His cape billowed behind him as he exited the cafeteria.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Was I more? How?</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>oh boy here we goooo :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Peculiar</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>So much had happened in such a short time, my mind ran rampant with thoughts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brin walked me back to my quarters, both of us stuck in a traumatized silence. I managed to choke out a thank you for standing up for me, and walking me home. I didn’t care if I got in trouble for cutting the work day short, I couldn’t go back to my station today after what happened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I figured Hux would hear about it and let me off the hook. I hoped.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The second the door shut behind me I collapsed into a ball on the floor. I cradled my bruised head tail gently in my hands as I sobbed. I don’t know how long I layed there but I guess when Z had decided I got it out of my system, he reached a cold silver hand down to my shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Johari, are you alright?” If he could emote i’m sure his eyebrows would be creasing at the center of his forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I pushed myself up to sit with the door against my back,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Things are so different on this ship, Z. I almost miss my boring life on the Fulmanatrix.” I stared at the ground between his feet. “I don’t understand why things are changing so fast.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Z didn’t respond, he simply held a hand out for me to take.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have drawn you a bath in hopes to soothe you, and retrieved an ice pack from the first aid kit for that nasty bruise.” he handed it to me, the chill numbed my palm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How is it a droid, devoid of emotion, has been the kindest being to me in years. It had been so long since I felt so much love, let alone any. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If I had any tears left to cry I'm sure I would have sobbed again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Z. That’s very kind. I think a bath is just what I need.” I winced as I held the ice to the bruise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, sir. I am here for you, after all. Is there anything else you need?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head, “No, but I appreciate it.” I patted him on the shoulder and headed to the bathroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>A man was killed in front of me. Three actually. But it was one man's blood that was splattered on my face and uniform. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dried brown spots caked my face and clothes. I didn’t even realize it until I had gotten to see myself in the mirror. I stared at my bloodshot eyes, terrified. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I’d seen people die before, I was no stranger to war and brutality in the First Order. But never had it happened less than two feet away. Never had I been covered in someone’s blood like this. I was reminded of the explosion on the Fulmanatrix. The scorched metal and disfigured bodies. I shivered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I tried to push away the thought of being the one responsible, as I stripped off the uniform. I tried to tell myself if it was Pursts own fault, that he was the one in the wrong. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But what the Supreme Leader said; I was better and that I shouldn’t let them pick on me. Should I have been better? Should I have done something different along the way? If I had, would those men still be alive?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shouldn’t I be angry at Kylo Ren himself? He is the one taking the lives of his own officers. But I couldn’t agree with the thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The feeling I felt as their necks snapped returned, the bliss of revenge. The feeling of not being powerless. It may not have been me that killed them, but even as the Supreme Leader sent them to their deaths, I wished deep down it was my own two hands that did the deed. Purst got what was coming to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt fucked up for even letting myself think that, but I couldn’t deny it wasn’t true.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I focused back to my reflection in front of me. I wasn’t buff like Brin, but I certainly wasn’t skinny. I was short though, my montrals gave the illusion of height. The white markings on my face traveled down the chest and back as well, the symmetrical lines creating an intricate display.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Like the rest of the markings on my body, they too have changed over the years. Togrutan markings change to help camouflage with the terrain. I figured the reason mine were so geometrical and sharp was due to the fact that I spent most of my life surrounded by the First Orders industrial aesthetic. But I was proud that they were all my own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stared at the bruise on my lekku, growing a deeper purple by the minute. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck those guys. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bath was exactly what I needed. I let go off the stress I had been bottling up, and let it fade away with the steam as I cleared my head. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I had almost forgotten about the upcoming mission until I picked up my data pad later that evening. It hadn’t crossed my mind that after all that in the cafeteria, I was set to assist the Supreme Leader on an assignment off ship. In four days. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I hoped to god that recent events wouldn’t affect the mission. Truthfully, I didn’t care how awkward it would be, I was more worried that I wouldn’t be allowed to go. Now that I’d gotten a taste of the worlds away from the ship, I craved more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was made clear that workplace harassment wasn’t to be tolerated, but I still wondered if I would be reprimanded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The Supreme Leader was peculiar, that much was clear. One minute he is the angry killing machine his reputation made him out to be, but the next he is unexpectedly socially awkward and sheepish. He reminded me of a teenage boy at a family reunion on our mission to Myrra. Yet here on the ship he oozed confidence and never hesitated to unleash his wrath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My mind buzzed when he was near. Literally. It wasn’t until that day that I had witnessed his powers first hand. It couldn’t be a coincidence that these feelings and the vision happened after being assigned on this ship with him. My brain began to hurt, and I didn’t want to overwhelm myself for the second time today. I gave the assignments details a good look over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately I wouldn’t be free of any stress. This mission was not like the last one. It wouldn’t be a breeze. We were to travel to Lothal, which while it was fairly peaceful, still had a rich history of rebellion under the Empire years ago. Asking them to go under First Order protection would not be an easy feat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of course I had tactical training, but my job was to be a translator, not a bodyguard. If I was going to be in a position to try and save the Supreme Leader's ass, I wished I at least knew more about him. The guy was a walking nightmare, even if he had stood up for me.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>To my advantage work carried on as usual the next few days, save for three new officers in the command center. Brin and I decided to avoid the cafeteria, so I decided to invite him over for lunch one day so I could prove Z was a top notch chef. We talked about the ‘incident’, of course. It was comforting to have someone to share trauma with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The morning we left for Lothal eventually came. This time I was allowed to bring Z with me, which of course I was over the moons about. Once again I figured it would be best to be fashionably early to the hangar, and watch the others board the ship from the balcony. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> I sleepily waited for Kylo Ren to make his grand entrance, but instead a group of eight armed stormtroopers marched in. They boarded a generic shuttle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess we aren't taking the fancy one today.” I adjusted my bag on my shoulder. Hux informed me that this mission might be longer than one day, so I packed for the trip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I motioned for Z to follow as I descended the stairs. We scurried across the hangar, and I gave the stormtrooper standing outside the shuttle a nod. He held an arm out to block me from going up the ramp.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You two will be riding with the Supreme Leader himself, on his ship. We will meet at the rendezvous point on Lothal.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” I shrugged my shoulders, “I wasn't aware of this, thank you.” The trooper nodded and pointed to Ren’s ship.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>WHY couldn’t me and my droid just take the SHUTTLE with the troopers. What was this guy’s deal? Did the Supreme Leader think he needed to keep tabs on me or something?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sheepishly, I made my way to his ship, Z in tow. He clearly was late, as the ramp had yet to be lowered. So my droid and I stood awkwardly outside by the landing gear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I feel ridiculous.” I rolled my eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do not understand why. We are simply waiting as we were instructed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sighed, forgetting he would not understand my anxiety.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thankfully after only minutes of waiting, the beast draped in black emerged from the corridor alone. The buzz in my head was welcomed. As graceful as his rhythmic stomp was, it was terrifying to watch him grow nearer. I stood at attention as the ramp began to lower.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The masked man finally arrived at the foot of his ship where Z and I stood. As he stared down at the two of us I realized the difference in our height, the way my montrals just barely reached the top of his head. Maybe he secretly wore heels.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The droid?” The Supreme Leader motioned to Z.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was told in the assignment details he would be allowed to accompany me.” I hoped this would still stand. I didn’t want to leave without Z this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I see…..” His voice trailed off as he turned on his heel and made his way up the ramp. Z and I followed suit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I recognized the ship’s dark and rugged interior as we got seated. I helped Z buckle himself in, and tried my best to stifle my laughter over his failed attempts. As I worked on my own safety straps, I told myself that everything would go well this trip. I would be pretty much like last time. Little did I know what I was in for.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A bit of a shorter chapter, but itll get wild, just wait!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Annex</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I hadn’t heard anyone laugh in so long. Even the light chuckle that came from Officer Bek seemed so foreign. What could a droid have said that was so comical? Why did he need a droid to come on this mission? It would just get in the way. I don't know why I cared.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I closed the ramp and prepared the ship for take off, glad I only had one passenger and a droid this time. I found the clank of stormtrooper armour to be infuriating, especially on long trips like these. I did my best to shake the feelings of agitation and anxiety the officer was projecting. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I left the door to the cabin open intentionally. Not because I wanted to eavesdrop on the two (though I'm not sure how much there is to talk about with a droid), but because I didn't mind the soft chatter, and hum of the officer’s voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was an outsider. That was easy to tell. It was Hux’s idea to bring him and Officer Heath aboard the ship, as a reward for their heroism. Honestly, I was taken aback when I saw his file, as most people in the First Order are when they first see him. Its rare non-humans obtain his rank. Truthfully I was never opposed, just intrigued.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>There was too much he didn't know about himself. Too much I knew about him. There was no doubt he would find out soon enough. I could feel it. I can feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We departed from the Finalizer, and I prepped the ship for hyperspace. Blue light encompassed the ship.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was probably time for me to give Officer Bek a better run down of the assignment, but I feared being met with his unease, or at least more than usual. From observation he seemed good at staying level headed, a bit hard headed even. But after the cafeteria, I feared lashing out in front of so many people might not have been the right move </span>
  <em>
    <span>this time</span>
  </em>
  <span>, even if I didn’t regret it. I couldn't stand for someone having their differences being used against them, I knew that fear all too well. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We in no way had any form of relationship other than professional, but I needed him to do this job in confidence, to not feel threatened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Setting the ship to auto pilot, I looked over my shoulder to summon him,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Officer Bek. I wish to provide you information regarding the assignment.” I motioned to the co pilot's chair. I was reminded of when he had caught me looking at him from the corner of my eye. I tried to be subtle, in hopes he would not find it offensive. But I think he was more amused that he had caught me in the act. I’d never been more fortunate to have been wearing a helmet, for my cheeks were hot as flames. It wasn't my intention to be rude, It was just that I found him much more... interesting than the never ending blue of hyperspace.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes sir.” His voice was quiet, but confident. He joined me in the cockpit and sat cautiously in the seat, as if it were to bite him if he moved ever so slightly. We both stared forward.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lothal is unique, and could serve as an excellent favor under the First Order. Though it is not shy of rebellion activity, which is why we must come to an agreement, and snuff out the flame.” I paused and looked down to him,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Our arrival is expected. Which means we are targets. Be cautious, keep your eyes open. I understand off ship assignments are intriguing. But this is no field trip, there is more at stake than a few pretty buildings.” It was he who broke eye contact, clearly embarrassed that I’d picked up on his curiosity in Myrra. While I didn't quite understand the hype of some old mosaics and rugged aliens, I did find his enthusiasm charming. In a different life perhaps I too would have been excited.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But like I had said, this assignment was high risk, high reward.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I understand, sir.” The officer’s face was hard to read as he stared at the ground, but he projected so clearly. He was nervous, and felt unprepared if it came to confrontation with the rebels. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It will be fine.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Officer Bek looked back at me with wide eyes, as if he’d heard me. Perhaps he had. The Force radiated off of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After dismissing the very shocked officer, the rest of the trip was spent in silence. I held my helmeted head in my gloved hands, it might have been too soon to be reaching out directly on purpose. I didn't even stop to think that maybe he didn't understand what the Force was. He clearly didn't mean to contact me that evening in my study.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As we left hyperspace I waited for the shuttle to arrive before starting the descent to the green and blue planet below. Lothal’s capital city stood high from the flat planes that surrounded it. The sleek industrial city stood out against the never ending fields of grass. I gained clearance to land in the capitol building’s hangar and promptly landed, the shuttle close behind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a deep breath before exiting the cabin, trying to convince myself this would all go smoothly. It had to. And if it didn't, backup was just a call away. And my lightsaber was also always withing reaching distance. </span>
  <span>I made my way out to the descending ramp, Officer Bek and his droid standing by. The shorter man nervously offered me a half smile, to which I returned with a slight nod. Playing it cool.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Outside my ship waited the troopers, alongside a few human officials and an aqualish man, who I assumed was Ija Jarr, the man I was here to see.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Lothal welcomes you.” One of the humans spoke. “My name’s Seth, I’ll be your guide and translator for Mister Jarr.” He motioned to Ija, who commented in a language I didn't understand. I hated feeling so ignorant.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mister Jarr says he's honored you have come all this way.” Seth's fake smile was corny. Nothing compared to General Hux's.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt Officer Bek’s discomfort from behind me, none of us were aware the officials here were to provide their own translator. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you. My officer and I are eager to get to work.” I motioned to Bek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course. We can show you to your rooms.” The party of officials began to lead us into the building.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rooms?” Officer Bek sounded puzzled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, the sun will set soon, and I can imagine you’re all tired from the trip here, so we will start in the morning after a good night's rest.” Seth answered very matter of factly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh. How kind, thank you for your hospitality.” While his tone was sure and cheerful, Officer Beks nerves said otherwise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had no reason to continue to worry, everything was going fine, so far.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the party split once we reached the sleek white interior of the building, and Seth led us to an annex where we would be staying. As much as I didn't care to pay attention to detail, the starkness of the walls and floors were quite boring. Perhaps the same could be said for my monochromatic ships.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The annex consisted of hallways lined with door after door. I assumed this is where all their guests stayed, if they ever had this many. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seth stopped in front of a door at the very end of a hall, and motioned as the door slid open.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here is your guy’s suite.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Our suite?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There's only one?” I looked down to Officer Bek, who was now at my side. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, y-yes. We do apologize. We weren't aware there would be two of you so we only booked one room, but don't fret the suite is quite large with two bedrooms.” Bek met my gaze, he tried his best to hide the crease forming on his brow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All of these rooms, and we had to share one? Were they all booked? There was no way every room in the annex was filled. I didn't feel like disputing it, like I normally would have. I was tired, and at least I, the Supreme Leader, would get my own room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I apologize for the apparent miscommunication. This will do.” I turned to the troopers behind, notifying them to keep watch, then made my way past Seth, into the suite. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Again, thank you for the hospitality.” Officer Bek spoke politely before the door closed behind him and his droid </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The suite was large, thankfully. It was about the size of the nicest flats on the finalizer. Living room connected to the kitchen, and a hallway that led to a bathroom and the two bedrooms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No window…. Shame. I bet the view would be nice.” Officer Bek stood sheepishly in the front hall. This was an awkward predicament to say the least.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm sure it would be.” His cheeks flushed as I met his gaze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kinda weird, all those rooms. Apparently not enough space for us to have our own places.” He paused, immediately following up with, “Not that I mind, sir.” He talked with his hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I too, found that a bit concerning.” I placed a hand on the lightsaber at my hip “You rest. I will stay up for precaution.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at me with confusion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sir, shouldn't you sleep?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The adult human body requires an average of seven to n-” The droid was unable to finish its statement before the officer gave it an elbow to the side. Truthfully I didn't mind this lack of formality.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can it Z, please.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn't stop the smirk on my face. Droids can't help but to spew useless information. Officer Beks violet skin was now complemented by the brightest red on his cheeks. He projected a strong wave of embarrassment, to which I laughed softly. I knew if I even skimmed the top of his mind right now, I would find it moving a mile a minute.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It will be no problem.” I motioned down the hall for the officer to retire for the night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay…” He looked back to his droid, and they disappeared into one of the bedrooms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stood in the common room and looked around. Since I would probably be alone for the rest of the night I might as well try to meditate before tomorrow's events. I took a seat on the couch that faced away from the hallway, and reached up to unhitch my helmet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But my hands froze before I could. Something wasn't right. I sat, unmoving for a moment, straining my senses to figure out what was wrong. I closed my eyes and visualized the suite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kitchen was fine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bathroom was fine.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The empty bedroom was fine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bedroom occupied by Officer Bek was fine but his face revealed he was just as alarmed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The living room was not fine. My eyes shot open, there was a bomb under the couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I stood to see the officer enter the room frmm the hall, just as it all came crumbling down around me.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>AHH thought doing a chapter form kylos pov would be cool !!!! i hope the few of you that are keeping up with this are enojying it, becuase i sure am having so much fun writing it :)</p><p> </p><p>also sometimes u just gotta make stuff up about star wars and thats okay</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Self</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> I need to stop getting myself into explosions. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I knew right as I had gotten comfortable in that room, something wasn't right. I didn't know how,  but it was just a <em> feeling. </em>The strings in my head caused me to practically lurch myself from my room out into the common area to warn the Supreme Leader. But I was too late.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I unraveled myself from the curled position, the familiar echo of ringing filling my ears. Patting the dust off my face and clothes I saw I had gotten lucky: a ceiling beam above me fell at an angle, shielding my body from the rubble. I was fortunate to be left with scrapes and bruises. The caved in walls revealed the night sky, and with it the chill that wafted around the scorched room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I scanned the place through the settling dust and large remains. Electrical wires poked out of piles and twitched with sparks. I held my hand to my head, and instantly winced and recoiled. Bright red blood collected in my palm.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Fuck” I could hardly hear my own voice. And as I finally took in what had happened,</p>
<p>“Oh <em> fuck” </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo Ren. Rebels.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hurried to my feet, ignoring the slight aches and pains throughout my body. Quickly, I scrambled over the wreckage to the spot I last saw him, or at least where it used to be.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even in the rubble his black form engulfed the colors around him. Even lying motionless in the wreckage, he stood out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Half his body stuck out from under a particularly large piece of deprise; his legs, right arm and shoulder were hidden beneath it. Thankfully he was breathing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Supreme Leader!” I crouched by his side. Adrenaline pumped through my veins. His still helmeted head lulled to the side. My mouth hung open.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A portion of his helmet had been mauled by the explosion, revealing a single blinking, brown eye. So often I forgot there could be a human under there. No longer did his gaze hold never ending depth, but instead it stopped at a rosy cheek and long, thick eyelashes. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I regained my train of thought, “I-it was a set up, we’ve got to get you out of there.” His chest heaved. “Can you move your arm and legs?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He lifted his chin to look at his body wedged under the remains, and promptly let it fall back to the ground to look at me, shaking his head. I stood, and attempted to lift it,</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sir can’t you use your powers, like in the cafeteria?” My voice started to shake. Without him I was going to be completely helpless against any rebel soldiers that were surely headed our way. And I couldn't just leave him here, my ass would be toast back on the Finalizer too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Stop.” He choked out. The destruction of his helmet meant the raspy electronic voice ceased. He was just a man now. I refused and kept trying.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Johari.” I froze, and looked back to him. His voice, his real voice, was deep and smooth, it was one that was so alien and bizarre for a man with his power. The mention of my first name startled me as well, so informal (To be fair this wasn't the time for formality). I felt like a child being yelled at by their parent.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I'm not.” he paused, and struggled with the next words, “strong enough. You're going to have to help me." It hit me how vunerable it must feel to admit such a thing. Especially as the Supreme Leader of the First Order. But how else was I supposed to help him?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The Force. Use it.” I shook my head. I'm sure my face didn't hide the pure bewilderment I was feeling. What did he mean?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don't understand what you’re asking me to do.” The Force was for Jedi’s long ago, and Sith like the Supreme Leader.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It's a part of you, like it's part of me.” His voice faltered. “Focus on getting me out, you can do it.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“All due respect, we don't have time for this.” I gestured wildly around the rubble, I felt like I was being pranked. His gaze intensified.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Close your eyes and breathe.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hesitated. I didn't want to disobey him, but the Supreme Leader saying that I shared the same powers he did, scared me. Though maybe it would explain a lot of what's happened since arriving on the finalizer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay.” I knelt down and tried to calm my breathing, picturing Kylo Ren being freed from the wreckage. Heavy pressure surrounded my head, as if I was deep underwater. I panicked as it intensified, but keeping my eyes shut best I could. Slowly, and then all at once, it was like the world was alive in me. Like I had become the push and pull of the ocean’s waves, and the twisting winds of a storm. I could feel the beating heart of a Lothcat, and the pain of a fallen soldier. I was everything, and it was me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Almost there,” His strained voice practically pulled me from my trance, “Okay!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If 2 months ago someone would have told me that I would be using my mind powers to help Supreme Leader Kylo Ren lift parts of a building off of him, and hold them extended in the air, I would think they were insane.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But here I was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When I opened my eyes the Supreme Leader was no longer being crushed, instead he scooted away from the rubble with his good arm outstretched. I watched the debris fall.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wh- How? What was that?” I couldn't grasp what had just happened. How did <em> we </em> do that?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You said it yourself, we don't have time for this, I'll explain later.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Right.” I stood and helped the wounded man sit up. He was hurt badly. A rip in his pants revealed a long gash covering one of his legs, much like the one on my own from the explosion on the Fulmanatrix. If there was more, I couldn't tell right away, as the blood hid in the black of his clothes. His other arm looked limp.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you think you can stand?” Without answering my question Kylo held his one good hand out to me, still encased in leather. I hoisted him up, earning a grunt from us both. I went to put the arm around my shoulders to hold him up, but he stopped me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Other side” I tilted my head at him, god he was confusing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But your other arm is toast. No offense.” Was this man crazy?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’re going to need to fight. Can't do that with my bum arm.” He was blunt, but he had a point.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Alrighty.” I took his opposite arm, which I could now see was quite mangled, and let it fall around my shoulder. He stifled a pain filled whine as I grasped his wrist. My hand hardly fit around it. Coincidentally, I was just the right height, my head barely reaching over his own shoulders. I placed a hesitant arm around his waist to stabilize him, which again earned a grunt from the larger man.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The scorched scene was already warm, save for the cool night breeze. But Kylo was <em> hot </em>. The getup must cause him to run like a damn heater. Leathery musk filled my nose, and the smell of faded cologne. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His weight was heavy against mine, but I was just strong enough, and we were finally situated. We started to climb towards the hallway out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We need to find the ship, assuming it’s not been obliterated as well.” I nodded my head. Once we got on board Z would probably know how to fix up some of his wounds.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I stopped, jerking the taller man back. <em> Oh my god. Where was Z? </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What's wrong?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I bit my lip, I couldnt just leave Z here, not only becuase he was my friend, but if he was still functioning the rebels could access First Order databases. But mostly becuase he was my friend, and leaving here not knowing if he was okay would eat me alive.</p>
<p>“I'm sorry I just can't leave without knowing, I have to make sure.” I started towards where the bedroom would have been. Kylo, not being in the right state to stop me, trudged along.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Who? We need to go!” His voice was impatient.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I couldnt form the words to tell him I was talking about my stupid droid. My eyes scoured the scene, scanning left and right.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then I saw it, the hint of chrome in the dull rubble. My lip quivered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh.” Kylo turned his head down to me. Without meeting his gaze, I gently took his arm from around me, and led it to the doorframe that still miraculously stood, urging him to lean against it, to which he understood and obeyed. Not like he had much choice, he couldn't move without his crutch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I knelt down to the protruding silver, which happened to be Z’s arm. Giving it a good yank, the rest of his upper torso popped free. He was dented like a piece of tin foil. His body spewed wires. The lights in his eyes were dim, one of them was even shattered. He was gone. I held his head in my lap. The metal still cool on my thighs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“FUCK” I let myself scream. I didn't care who was watching. Z had been my only family on that god forsaken ship. One of the only things that had truly shown me an <em> ounce </em> of real love and companionship. And it was a droid. A hunk of metal that was now crushed to smithereens. I couldn't help but to feel guilty.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I knew I didn't have time to cry, but the pain of knowing I would have to leave his destroyed body there added to the lump in my throat. He would probably be picked up and sent to a dump, melted down to nothing or repaired to be a rebellion droid, devoid of his old self. Not that droids had a ‘self’. But god did it feel like he did. It felt like his every move was made for me to know he was on my side. That at the end of each day, he would still be here. No matter if I was happy or sad, human or togruta.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I couldn't stay forever. I said a silent goodbye to Z.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> As I stood it felt like I was committing an act of betrayal. Giving my friend one final look, I nodded my head and turned back to the Supreme Leader, who stood slumped where I’d left him. His brown eye met mine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> I didn't bother to wipe the tear that escaped my eyes’s threshold and rolled down my cheek. He probably thought I was ridiculous, crying over a droid. He would never understand the pain of loneliness while he at the top of the food chain.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sorry. Lets go.” I turned my gaze to the floor, and hoisted his arm back over me. The wounded man was silent. We returned to making our way out.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>Finally, we made it out of the suite into the hallway, but were met with another sorry sight. The troopers who had been stationed outside, lay crumbled. Their white armour scorched black and smeared red. My heart sank.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Blaster shots.” Kylo sighed. “Must have killed them with silencers before the explosion.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I didn't know what to say. These poor men and women, tricked by the hospitality of Seth. Who was, now that I had thought about it, probably part of the Rebellion. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Let's keep moving.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>To our surprise the rest of the hallway had not received too much damage from the blast. This made it easier for us to pick up the pace. The end of the hall was still lit by the bright white lights overhead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once we reached the end, Kylo stopped me, “Wait.” The Annex was shaped like an L, which meant the way out was around the corner and down the hall. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He peeked his head around the corner, to check if it was clear. To which he was met with the immediate flash of a blaster, just barely grazing his helmet. He jerked his head back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My heart beat in my ears like a drum.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Now what?” I looked up at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Follow me.” I didn't know what that was supposed to mean, seeing as though I was the only one strong enough to lead us.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But to my surprise he pulled us out from behind the corner, facing the small group of rugged figures at the end of the hallway in front of the exit. A variety of species held their blaster up to face us. <em> These must be the rebels. </em>I’d never actually seen them in person before.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I watched them all ready their blasters, was Kylo going to let this firing squad take us out?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a breath they all fired their weapons. I flinched, recoiling into the taller man's side on instinct. But the shots never came.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Instead the beams of light were suspended in air in front of us, fizzing and glitching. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh shit.” Kylo’s good arm was extended outwards, presumably holding the blasts in place. Through the lights I could see the rebels start to panic. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>With a grunt and a push of his arm, he sent the blasts back at the group. It was amazing, he’d hit them all spot on, causing them to thump to the floor. Our path was cleared, and so we continued. I was too dumbfounded to comment, so I simply stared at their charred bodies as we walked past.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once out of the annex we entered the main building, which was desolate. Did they really think all that would slow us down? I felt my ego inflate a bit, I was better at all this than I thought.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo looked to me as if to yield my cockiness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you remember the way out?” I thought about it for a moment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, it's not far.” We started through the empty halls.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Kinda weird there's no one else here.” I kept my voice low. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Just means they’re waiting for us somewhere else.” He had a point. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>With ease we reached the doors to the landing pad, which whooshed open. The cool night cupped my face and I let myself indulge in the fresh air for a moment. Kylo’s weight began to feel heavier.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“There, my ship.” He nodded to the familiar, gaudy black ship that stood next to the First Order shuttle. I'm sure he was happy it was untouched.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We need to hurry,”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>We staggered through the silence. The planet was so still, like it was frozen in time. The only reminder that it wasn't, was the flowing seas of grass beyond the city below. Lothal seemed so peaceful.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But the tranquility was interrupted by a bright flash, and the flesh of my skin being set ablaze following it. I wailed, unable to grasp my shoulder that had just been grazed by a blast. Heavy fire followed, the both of us ducking to dodge. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>We were so close, more than halfway to the ship. This couldn't be it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And it wasn't. Red filled my peripheral. I could feel heat that radiated from Kylo’s lightsaber. I was captivated by the inferno. Beyond him was another squadron of rebellion soldiers, pouring out of another exit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He turned his body to shield mine, and I watched in awe as he deflected every single shot. Even badly injured he didn't skip a beat. This guy was as insane as they all said he was. But there was no way we could do this forever.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Cmon!” I started towards the ship, dragging him with me. He continued to swing this lightsaber with one arm, letting out the occasional grunt. He had to be in so much pain.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As we reached the ships landing gear I slapped the ramp lowering system, which began opening with a whine. The firing stopped. And I turned to follow Kylo’s gaze.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The rebels stood in a line across the landing pad, there were so many of them. Their weapons were still drawn. A short woman emerged from the crowd. She was dressed more formal than the rest of them. Besider her stood Seth. I felt like a fool, I shook my head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kylo’s lightsaber hummed next to us. We stared at the group, waiting for someone to make a move.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The ramp finally hit the ground, and the flame disappeared, leaving the Supreme Leader with just the handle. As we made our way into the ship, the woman called out,</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ben.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The wounded man stopped for a brief second, looking back, and then continued to follow me up into the ship, The ramp sealing behind us.</p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Not my best chapter, but still so fun to write! i hope the pov switch was well understood and intresting!!! so excited to continue writing this! if you would like to listen to a playlist i made for this fic heres the link!!!:https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ob5FtYemeN39PkocPPuu8?si=5ieeqJ4WQyqjZm7Zkhh9UQ</p>
<p>next chapter i will add a link to Johari's character refrence sheet :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Annoying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sometimes in this house we have to make up things about star wars and thats okay......</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Who is Ben?” </p><p> </p><p>The Supreme Leader tore himself from my grip, and basically threw his body to the floor of the passenger area, groaning.</p><p> </p><p>“Doesn't matter.” He rolled to his back. “You can’t fly the ship.”</p><p> </p><p>I noted how he remembered I wasn't a trained pilot, but was still curious about this mystery man. He was right though, I decided I’d press the matter later as it wasnt the most important thing right now, we needed to get back the Finalizer and out of the Rebellions hands. But our only pilot was seemingly immoble.</p><p> </p><p>“You're right I can't, But neither can you right now, so how are we going to get out of here?” I crouched down to him.</p><p> </p><p>He heaved a sigh, “Under the right arm rest of the captain's chair, there's a button. It puts the ship into autopilot and sets course to Star Killer Base.” <em> Star Killer? </em> Of course I knew tons about it (as it was the First Orders pride and joy) but I didn't think I'd ever step foot on it. It was for the elite of the elite as far as personnel went. I thought of the model that floated on General Hux’s desk. </p><p> </p><p>“A distress signal will be sent.” He waved a hand towards the open door behind us. Nodding, I scurried into the small room, hastily feeling around for the button. Relief washed over me as I found and pushed it, watching the ship depart from the planet into the night sky. I waited until we left Lothals atmosphere, and bolted into hyperspace to join the Supreme Leader again.</p><p> </p><p>When I returned from the cabin I found him lying on his back, cradling his definitely broken limp arm across his chest. The Supreme Leader’s defeated form haunted me as I knelt above him. He’d stretched his neck out to defend me on the Finalizer, and pushed himself to his limits to keep the both of us safe out there. I felt as though I owed him. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you have a first aid kit? I could start healing your wounds before we get back to the ship.” He used his good arm to point to a compartment above the passenger seating, his stare unmoving from the ceiling.</p><p> </p><p>I followed the direction his hand pointed, and retrieved the survival pack. I rummaged through it as I returned to his side. Inside was a small canister of First Order issued Bacta spray and bandages. Not much to work with… </p><p> </p><p>I moved to start applying the bacta to his leg, when he spoke up,</p><p> </p><p>“Your head, it's bleeding. And your shoulder.” I met his tired gaze, remembering the sting of my forehead, and the burn from where the blaster grazed me.</p><p> </p><p>“It's okay, you're bleeding, like, ten times worse here.” I offered a light chuckle. “Plus it was just a graze, I’ll live.” He only grunted in response. Tough crowd. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stifled his whine as I wrapped his shin in gauze, and I moved back to admire my work. That was probably as good as I could get at the moment. I would have made a good nurse if medical droids were not in higher demand. </p><p> </p><p>Him bringing up my head injury made me think of the possibility of his own. Judging by the deep gash in its metal, there was a chance the helmet didn't save him from a nasty concussion.</p><p> </p><p>I moved to sit with my back against the ship's wall, this time his eye moved to follow me. Even in this dark ship his eye glinted golden. </p><p> </p><p>“You uh, your leg will be okay, but your arm is broken and you have a dislocated shoulder.” I decided to give him a run down of his injuries to fill the silence. “You lost a lot of blood too.” I looked down to my red stained hands, sticky from the oozing cut  and bacta spray. He sighed.</p><p> </p><p>“And you probably have a concussion, but you’d have to lose the helmet for me to see any further da-” He cut me off.</p><p> </p><p>“You know so much. It's wildly annoying.” He stated dryly. As if he wasn't laying mangled in the back of his own ship. I help save this man’s life and this is what I get? I rolled my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. </p><p> </p><p><em> Its annoying </em>. I let it echo in my head a few times before speaking. He may have been a little indisposed, but he was still my terrifying boss.</p><p> </p><p>“Excuse me?” </p><p> </p><p>“You’re like a droid, you know countless languages and judging by your academic records, you could probably list ten facts about every planet in the galaxy. And now you're a doctor and a Force user.” He scoffed. “It's annoying.”</p><p> </p><p>I cocked my head, “Well we can’t all be brawn.” The absolute NERVE of this guy. </p><p> </p><p>“Is that all you think I am? Clearly it came in handy when I had to save you from some bullies you couldnt stand up to yourself.” I could feel the heat in my cheeks. He was teasing me, after all I did for him. After I was given little to no choice to fly out to some stupid planet to assist his ass and save his life. And it was still expected that I wouldn't fight back or defend myself. Fuck that. I was exhausted. The strings of my mind pulsed.</p><p> </p><p>“And do you think of me as anything other than a freak that needs protecting? Or am I just another disposable body, living to eat sleep and breath the First Order while you sit on your high fucking horse and have a tantrum every time something makes you upset?” My chest heaved tears welling in my eyes. As freeing as that felt to get off my chest, I was worried I pushed just a <em> little </em>too far. We stared at each other, my face contorted into an angry scowl.</p><p> </p><p>“Well look who is having a tantrum now. At least I didn’t cry over a droid.”  He was the one pushing a little too far. I gave up.</p><p> </p><p>I didn't have the energy to hold myself back any longer. Bringing my knees up to my chest, as if to shun the man, and buried my head in them, finally letting hot tears fall silently. His head lulled back to stare above him. </p><p> </p><p>As much as I wanted to be far, far away from this wretched beast, I was stuck here. And it was my job to make sure he got back to the Finalizer safely. Even if I did hate his guts. I was right in the beginning, he was just another bully.</p><p> </p><p>I didn’t know much about the Force, but I did know it’s what was connecting us, what helped me lift the debris, and what made me feel the Supreme Leader's remorse for his words. I wanted to be angry and let myself sulk, but somehow, I could feel that  he was sorry. That he in fact did know the pain of losing the only thing that made me feel less alone in the world. </p><p>
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</p><p>I must have fallen asleep, because next thing I knew the ship jolted beneath me. It had successfully landed. The Supreme Leader must have fallen asleep as well, or more likely passed out. He didn't seem to notice the hiss of the ramp lowering. With the adrenaline gone, I could hardly move from my slumped position, everything ached. I couldn’t imagine how much pain Kylo was in. White light and frigid air filled the ship, and steps promptly approached from below.</p><p> </p><p>I squinted as a rather tall, silver droid stomped up into the ship. As my eyes adjusted to the light I realized it was actually a stormtrooper, decorated with a billowing cape. <em> Phasma. </em> Much like the base itself, I’d heard of her and seen holograms, but never had the honor of seeing her in person. She was a god among stormtroopers. She made the rest of them look pathetic.</p><p> </p><p>“We received your distress call…” Her modulated voice trailed off as she assessed the state of Kylo and I, “Medical droids! Now!” Her voice boomed. Panic murmured through the small crowd outside as droids hurried forward, scooping up the wounded man’s limp body. One approached me, helping me stand. Phasma made her way to me,</p><p> </p><p>“Identify yourself Officer.” I tried to stand attention, but winced. Between my wounds and the cold air blasting in, it was hard to keep my professionalism. Her expressionless helmet told no indication if she cared or not. </p><p> </p><p>“Communications Officer Johari Bek, assigned aboard the Finalizer, Captain.” </p><p> </p><p>“Well Officer Bek, after you and the Supreme Leader are assessed in the med bay,” She nodded, and motioned for me to follow the medical droids carrying Ren out of the ship. “You will report to General Hux, and provide him the details of your mission.” She walked beside me and my medical droid escort as we walked across the landing pad.</p><p> </p><p>The base was located on a horrifically cold planet. The raging blizzard was very different from the cool breeze on Lothal. Next to me, Phasma seemed unphased. My grey First Order uniform was no help against the weather, and I almost wished for the blazing heat of the Kylo Ren once more, even if I did hate him right now.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually the group made it out of the cold and into the med bay, through halls that looked oddly like the ships I’d be aboard before. I was then led to my own room that, to my surprise, had a human nurse waiting for me. She was kind and soft spoken, largely contrasting to the majority of people within the First Order. For being on a new planet surrounded by strangers, she made me feel at ease.</p><p> </p><p>She expressed her surprise at how I was virtually unscalthed compared to the Supreme Leader as she dressed the last of my wounds. I simply shrugged, “I was just lucky, I guess.”</p><p> </p><p>I was then left alone to sleep until my next meal, and a meeting with General Hux.</p><p>
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</p><p>“We have got to stop meeting like this.” The General’s hologram stood before my bed, forehead creasing with concern. I laughed lightly,</p><p> </p><p>“You’re telling me.” I was happy to talk to someone I knew.</p><p> </p><p>“So what do you think of the base?” He raised an eyebrow, obviously eager to hear what I think about his showpiece.</p><p> </p><p>“I really haven't seen much, sir.” I scratched the back of my neck, “the weathers definitely something…”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh the cold is just dreadful, but the rest is impressive if I do say so. You should take a tour before you return.” I smiled, appreciating the general’s genuineness. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll do that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Now to the subject at hand. What happened on Lothal, Officer?” His expression hardened. I sighed and looked at my hands in my lap. I’d already decided I would leave out the part in my story where I used the Force to help the Supreme Leader, hoping he would as well. I was worried that if I tried to explain it… then they would all think I was going crazy. So it was best to keep it on the down low.</p><p> </p><p>Hux listened intently as I explained how we were set up. How the rebels intercepted the meeting, and were clearly not expecting anyone to accompany the Supreme Leader besides troopers. He chucked when I told him that we were put into the same suite. I couldn't  blame him, I thought it was ridiculous too. I also left out the part where the woman called out for Ben. I didn't know who Ben was or why he was important to killing the Supreme Leader and I, but it didn't seem necessary to include.</p><p><br/><br/>"Sorry to hear about your droid. Such a fine peice of machinery." He sounded sincere. I swallowed my emotions best I could.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, it's a shame. He was great." The General nodded solomnly.</p><p> </p><p>"I can put in an order for a replacement, if you'd like?" I contemplated for a moment. I didnt want a replacement, I wanted Z. Even through the hologram, Hux seemed to see my hesitance, "You dont have to decide now."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay.."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After my meeting with General Hux I was informed of the longevity of my stay on the base. It was going to be a day or two until Kylo Ren would be well enough to make the trip back to the Finalizer. The nice nurse assured me this was a state of the art facility, and that he would recover to full health in no time. I wasnt too worried. She also informed me that he had specifically requested I accompany him on the trip back, so I was to wait until he was in better health to leave the base. I tried my best not to roll my eyes at this. This jerk wanted me to wait for him? <em> I thought I annoyed him. </em></p><p> </p><p>I didn't have much of a choice, once again, so I took up Hux’s request of a tour of the base. I was sent a fresh uniform and a protocol droid to show me around. My heart tightened at the sight of it, as it made me think of my lost friend. Pushing the feelings away, I got dressed and let it lead the way.</p><p> </p><p>The base was huge, obviously, and although the interior looked much like the Finalizer’s, I still let myself get engrossed in the details of the tour. Every so often the halls would clear of storm troopers and side eyeing personnel, and it would be just me and the droid, walking silently. If I listened closely, and thought hard enough I could swear something was calling to me. A feeling and a sound, all at once. It wasn't like a person, but a strong pull. Only, it was from all around. Like the planet itself was crying out to me. But it would only be interrupted by the clank of white armor or chattering. </p><p> </p><p>Was this the work of the Force?</p><p> </p><p>The next few days I tried my best to entertain myself by zeroing in on the call. I closed my eyes and listened, like how the Supreme Leader taught me on Lothal. I didn't get very far usually due to the bustle of the med bay outside my door. When I couldn't focus and gave up trying, I would crawl back in bed and wish that I was back in my suite on the Finalizer, hanging out with Z. I was miserable.</p><p> </p><p>But my sulking and boredom didn't last, as I was finally scheduled to make my return home with the Supreme Leader.</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry i havent unpdated in a bit! ive been on vacation but im back and ready to write!!!</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Path</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Super short chapter form Kylos pov &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I could feel Johari’s dread and anxiety before I could even see him. Finally, his silhouette emerged from the haze of snowfall across the hangar, bidding farewells to the personnel that escorted him. I noticed he was always kind like that; being nice when it wasn't expected. Which was why I felt such remorse for the way I’d treated him. </p><p> </p><p>Watching the smaller man shiver while he walked made me glad to have my mask repaired, shielding me from the planet's harsh weather. I couldn't imagine his attire did him any justice. My bad arm and leg groaned and ached against the wind</p><p> </p><p>Soon enough he met me where I stood posted outside the ship. I knew if I waited for him inside I would lose the courage to say what I wanted. The officer stood at attention and greeted me,</p><p> </p><p>“Sir.” He practically spat the word at me, and instead of meeting my gaze, stared past my shoulders out into the endless blizzard. He had every reason to be upset with me. But really, he was scared. Worry rolled off him in waves, he must have thought I planned to scold him.</p><p> </p><p>“Johari….” I clenched my hands at my sides, making the leather of my gloves creak. He flinched at me using his first name, again. Truthfully I liked the way it rolled off the tongue, but I wanted him to know I was sincere, “You’re not in trouble. I need to apologize for the way I treated you. I was unkind, and immature after what you did to help get me to safety. I owe you my life.” </p><p> </p><p>Short and sweet. </p><p> </p><p>He swallowed,  Adam's apple bobbing against his grey uniform. His eyes then flickered up to me, taking a few seconds to observe the new repairs in my helmet while contemplating his next move. I could feel his mind moving a mile a minute. Finally he really looked at me, </p><p> </p><p>“I wasn't so nice either, and you saved my life too. So I guess that makes us even, right?” I nodded softly, and turned on my heel before I could let myself say more. The officer followed me up the ramp. </p><p> </p><p>I wasn't scared of confrontation, in fact I excelled in it. But I had always been better at the more physical side of it, as words weren't my forte. Which was why it took all the courage I had left in my healing body to ask Johari to join me up front, once again. There were questions running rampant in his head, and only I had the answers. It was time for him, and myself, to accept his Force capabilities. And I had quite the proposition lined up. </p><p> </p><p>As I led the ship out of the base’s atmosphere, into hyperspace, he broke the uncomfortable silence,</p><p> </p><p>“What <em> really </em>is the Force?” His voice was quiet, and sincere.</p><p> </p><p>I had a hunch it had been eating away at him these past few days, not understanding the great power inside yourself can be confusing. Painful. I sighed, trying to find the best answer.</p><p> </p><p>“The Force is a connection to everything in the galaxy. It's what holds us all together.” I looked down to him beside me, meeting his round brown eyes and furrowed brow. That hadn’t quite been what he was looking for.</p><p> </p><p>“So where do I come in? What happened on Lothal? Why is this happening to me now? Why me?” He started to choke up.</p><p> </p><p>“The Force flows through all of us, its apart of all of us. Some people, very few, like you and I are more… sensitive to it. Giving us power that others do not have the ability to harness. And use it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Like Jedi, and Sith?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes.” </p><p> </p><p>“My grandparents used to tell stories of them... I thought they were extinct?”</p><p> </p><p>“They are.” He leaned back in his seat, processing what I’d just told him. The blue tunnel of space circled around in front of us. After a moment of silence he turned to face me again,</p><p> </p><p>“What about you? I thought you were a Sith? What would that make me?” I sighed,</p><p> </p><p>“I was not given the choice to choose my own path with the Force. I would wish differently for you.” I felt vulnerable, but was a bit delighted in the other man's interest and curiosity. I didn't feel like a fool or a madman for sharing about the Force, whereas I often felt like an outsider around non-Force sensitives. “I would like to offer you training, back on the Finalizer. To teach you the ways of the Force. I fear without guidance, you will be burdened with the Light and Dark side ultimately tearing you apart.”</p><p> </p><p>After a trip through his memories the night he arrived on board the Finalizer, I knew the Force would not be easy for him to navigate. Most of his life all he’d known is isolation, and fear. Two things I wish I hadn’t let take over me.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh wow, this is… a lot.” He held a hand up to his head, exasperated. Johari sat and considered the offer for a few minutes.</p><p> </p><p>“What about my job on the bridge, sir? I can’t throw it away to become a space knight like you.” The term space knight earned a small chuckle from me, to which he seemed pleased.</p><p>“You can keep working, if that's what you want. Training can just take place afterwards... You can think about it for a few days, I sense this is a bit overwhelming.” Johari shook his head in agreement.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><br/>We were quiet for some time. After replaying the conversation in my head over and over I’d realized it was the longest we had ever really spoken to each other. I didn’t think of myself as much of a conversationalist but Johari on the other hand, I imagine could talk ones ear off. General Hux was the same way but for whatever reason I found the red headed man much more annoying than the one that was beside me. <br/><br/></p><p>“So what kind of powers, or abilities, do I get with the Force? Do I get to chose that?” He spoke up again. Johari may be a bit of a nervous wreck but he was quite curious and forward. Reminded me of his droid.</p><p> </p><p>”Not exactly...it’s different for many people, but most sensitives are able to communicate with each-other through connections in the Force.” His eyes lit up for a moment. I suspected he was able to connect some dots. I continued, “But for example some people are experts in control while others may be more in tune with sense.”</p><p> </p><p>Quickly he chimes in, “I can sense you. I think. From <span>four rooms down the hall sometimes.</span>” This didn’t surprise me. When I figured out his Force sensitivity I purposefully opened my line of connection. I hoped he would sense me. <span>“I'm hoping that's a part of the Force.” His violet cheeks turned beet red. He was worried he’d gotten a bit too comfortable, a bit too unprofessional, and overshared. But I was glad he did.</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, yes. It's a connection. Sensitives have a clearer, stronger pathway to each other in the Force.” Perhaps I’d begun to get a little too excited as well. I stopped nodding my head, daring to ask, “What does it feel like?” I knew it was different for everyone, but in a way, the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>“Uh,” He hesitated, not wanting to feel foolish. “When you're nearby I just… Know... its like there's radio static in the back of my head. I think </span>knew all along it was you but up until now I was afraid to admit it.” he paused, “Can you feel me?”</p><p> </p><p>I nodded lightly, “yes.” </p><p> </p><p>“Is it the same feeling?”</p><p> </p><p>”No, your Force signature feels different. It’s like water in my chest, like an ocean or river... you don’t protect your thoughts and feelings so sometimes the intensity changes...” I could sense his embarrassment and worry. If he decided to accept my offer, this would be something he’d learn to do. I still felt a bit wary about opening up so much, but part of me knew it would be inevitable if I were to take on the challenge of training him the way the Jedi trained me. </p><p> </p><p>He let out a long sigh, “fucking shit.” but immediately covered his mouth with his hand before blabbering out and apology. “Sorry! Sir I don’t mean to be so inappropriate- You’re still my boss I mean no disrespect this is just a lot right n-“</p><p> </p><p>”Please, calm down. It’s alright.” He relaxed a bit. </p><p> </p><p>“yeah… it's not everyday you help lift a building off your boss…Honestly I’m just scared.” His voice got low again. I didn't need him to say it for me to know. I could feel it.</p><p> </p><p>“I undertsand.” And really, I did. </p><p> </p><p>Docking the ship aboard the Finalizer went on as usual. The rest of the ride was silent as always, but the veil of unease had been lifted. I was glad to be back, I desperately needed to meditate, the other mans energy and emotions had wore me out. We arrived just as the day shifts were ending, which meant many of the hangars workers and troopers were off to dinner break. Leaving it empty. Or so I thought.</p><p> </p><p>Johari and I were halfway through the rows of shuttles when cheers ripping through the large space took us by surprise. A group of officers stood up on the balcony, waving their hands vigorously. I realized they were the bridge officers, and that they were all here to greet the man who had stopped behind me.</p><p> </p><p>“Johari!!!” The tallest one yelled, I could tell by his build and hair color it was Officer Heath, Johari’s co worker from the Fulmanatrix.</p><p> </p><p>I turned around to see his violet skin painted beet red, eyes glossed over with tears. He tried to blink them away as we swapped looks. He searched my helmet's gaze for assurance, reaching out to me with his mind whether he knew it or not.</p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p>He nodded, fighting a smile and scurried away up the stairs towards the small group, who cheered even louder as he approached. Officer Heath scooped up the smaller man in a bear hug like he was nothing. The others bombarded him with statements and questions.</p><p> </p><p>“What did the Rebels looks like?”  “We’re so glad you're okay!” “Did you really save the Supreme Leader?” “Did you kill any of them?” “How bad did you get hurt?”</p><p> </p><p>The conversations faded away as I made my way out of the hangar and into the elevator, sealing me in silence as doors shut. I tried to tell myself I could have cared less, and that a welcoming crew as such for me would have just made me annoyed. But I knew it wasn't true. I was bitter, and alone. I was jealous of Johari’s companions. Envious that he no longer feared them the way I knew he still feared me. These feelings caught me off guard. Why did I seek my subordinate’s validation; his attention and admiration? I typically had no problem letting the world hate me…</p><p> </p><p>My bottom lip quivered, thankfully hidden behind the mask that made me the monster the Order expected me to be.</p><p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Classified</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Seriously man, I’m glad you made it back safe.” Brin nudged my shoulder playfully as we reached my door.</p><p> </p><p>He’d walked me back to my quarters after the rest of the group parted for the night. They’d all gathered around me in the hangar, eager to hear me tell my epic battle story. I was touched to see them all waiting for me, I didnt even think most of them knew my name seeing as though I hardly talked to anyone other than Brin. I knew the whole thing was his doing, but I appreciated it nonetheless. They even invited me out to the bar, to which I politely declined. Not sure I wanted to get drunk and let it slip that I had super powers. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you...Really.”  I leaned against the doorframe. “I haven't felt like so many people have cared about me before, yknow?” His face saddened. I had a feeling we both knew it might be temporary, until the story fades into all the others.</p><p> </p><p>“They’re good people. I know it's hard to see sometimes.” We both nodded. I was about to bid him goodnight when he spoke up again,</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, yknow we’re still meeting for drinks, just maybe if you change your mind.” I smiled at the kindness of the taller man. Even amongst the chaos in the hanger tonight, he’d gone out of his way to express his condolences over Z. A <em> funny son of a bitch </em>he called him.</p><p> </p><p>“It's okay, I need to rest up. Got a lot of work to catch up on tomorrow so…” He nodded,</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I understand, have a good night Jo.” He waved goodbye and turned on his heel. I entered the dark of the suite.</p><p> </p><p>It was empty, and smelled stale. Just as it had been when I first arrived here. Only thing it was missing was a big hunk of metal. I trudged to my bedroom, not even bothering to change out of my uniform as I flopped on the still unmade bed. Taking in a deep breath, I rolled over to my back and stared at the grey ceiling. </p><p> </p><p>I was relieved to be back home, but my situation with the Force and the Supreme Leader still loomed over me. Part of me wished we were still together so I could ask all the countless questions jumbled in my head. I decided I would practice meditating like I had on Starkiller, hoping it would help me get to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>Sitting up in my bed, I closed my eyes, reaching out to everything around me. Meditating in the ship felt different than on the ice planet. There was so much more life, things much closer to connect with there. Even the planet itself gave off some sort of weird energy. </p><p> </p><p>But out in deep space there was very little; only people. I figured there was really only one person I would have luck reaching, and focused my search on him. I still wasn't too sure how the whole Force thing worked, but I was curious enough to explore for myself. But no matter how hard I searched, I was unable to find the Supreme Leader’s staticy presence. </p><p> </p><p>Feeling a bit defeated, I turned in for the night.</p><p>
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</p><p>When Brin and I arrived at work the next morning, heads turned and eyes were on me as usual. But this time they were not malicious or shady. Rather welcoming, and bright. This change of pace was refreshing. </p><p> </p><p>Returning to work was usually something I craved. The last few years I breathed, slept and ate my job as a communications worker, but after experiencing the rush of combat, I was getting antsy. Desperate for more.</p><p> </p><p>The entire morning I kept catching myself staring off or daydreaming, wondering how exciting my life would be as a full time space knight like the Supreme Leader. I always dismissed the thought immediately. I worked for this position, and I was a natural born workaholic. I loved it right where I was. Right? Perhaps I just feared the inevitable change that was to come.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually it was time for lunch, and I had taken Brin up on an offer to join a group in the cafeteria. He assured me no head tail pulling assholes would be there. We walked side by side, Brin filling me in on the drunken events that took place at the bar last night. Some of these officers really knew how to party. We were approaching an intersection in the corridors when the fizz in my head started. </p><p> </p><p>It wasn't like I <em> wanted </em> to avoid him (maybe a little), I just wasn't entirely sure of my answer to Kylo’s proposition and part of me worried he would expect one upon any sort of confrontation.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey can we take the long way? I need to stretch my legs a little more.” I pointed to the hallway to the right of us, rather than going our usual straight ahead. The static grew stronger. I just needed to get out of his path. </p><p> </p><p>“Please Brin.” I tried to hide my urgency.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, yeah that's fine.” He shot me a weird look, and we started on our way. Navigating my newfound connections within the Force was a bit exciting, though I knew I might be exploiting it by using it this way. I wondered what other abilities I would be able to unlock with the Supreme Leader’s training, and if there was more to a Force connection than this...</p><p> </p><p>I thought my diversion had worked, but I soon realized it was me he was headed for, not the bridge. Brin must have thought I was crazy as I led him down corridor after corridor, and I was sure the Supreme Leader didn't appreciate me sending him on a wild bantha chase. Soon the cafeteria was in sight. I was relieved and silently reveled in my success in dodging Kylo Ren, hoping he wouldnt confront me with my peers all around.</p><p> </p><p>My success was short lived. Just as Brin and I had reached the doors, he came storming down the opposite hall, capes billowing behind him. I sighed and hung my head. </p><p> </p><p><em> Wait. </em>I wasn’t a fan of how he was allowed into my head, but I couldn’t access him.</p><p> </p><p>“Dude.” Brin yanked on my arm to follow him in standing salute. </p><p> </p><p>“Its fine.” I shrugged out of his grip and joined him reluctantly, waiting for the mass of black to catch up. Once he did, the Supreme Leader stopped and faced Brin and I.</p><p> </p><p>“Officer Heath, leave us.” Brin shot me a look before obeying the man's order, disappearing inside the cafeteria. The helmeted man scanned the halls for any others.</p><p> </p><p>“Sir.” My eyes traced the red filled cracks on his helmet above me.</p><p> </p><p>“Was that necessary?” He cocked his head. I played dumb.</p><p> </p><p>“I'm not sure what you mean, sir.”</p><p> </p><p>“Chasing you down over half the ship, is what I mean.” He heaved a sigh. “Apologies for my impatience but so you have an answer over the classified assignment I offered you?” </p><p> </p><p>I figured I probably shouldn't push my luck anymore out in public. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, right.” I bit my lip, thinking over his offer once again “Yeah, I accept the offer.” I’d realized while training was something that scared me, the thought also excited me. I loved learning, and my  connection to the Force left me wanting to know more. I tried to convince myself  this change would be a good thing.</p><p> </p><p>“Excellent. We will begin tonight. I will send details to your datapad. It's important we get started right away, as your abilities are strengthening everyday. Like using the Force to sense where I am to avoid me for example.” I rubbed the back of my neck, guilty as charged.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry.” I didn't feel like explaining myself. </p><p> </p><p>“Its...alright.” He seemed to soften a bit, “Go join the others.” he nodded towards the cafeteria doors, and started to disappear down the hall from which he came. I watched him go for a moment before entering.</p><p>
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</p><p>I threw together some excuse to cover my ass when I got to the table with Brin and the others, of course they were on the edge of their seats waiting for my arrival. </p><p> </p><p>“Brin said the Supreme Leader wanted to talk to you?” Officer Schu asked me, her eyes wide with curiosity.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, he was just telling me that I left my data pad on the ship last night. No biggie.” The group traded puzzled looks, but soon returned to their lunches.</p><p>
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</p><p>The second half of the day I eagerly awaited being dismissed for the night. I received a message from Kylo Ren, containing the time and location for tonight's training, and that he had a droid drop off some suitable training attire. I was itching to get home, and when I did I practically burst through the door.</p><p> </p><p>A bunch of clothes were neatly folded on my living room’s coffee table. I was used to getting laundry wirth fresh uniforms dropped off every so often, but this was different. Better.</p><p> </p><p>Three different piles sat in front of me, all seemingly the same clothes just different color. One was a pale sand color, the next consisted of neutral browns, and the last was all black. I picked up the brown pile and watched it unfold into a set of flowing robes, pants and and under tunic. </p><p> </p><p>I couldn't stop the cheesy smile from plastering itself across my face. It had been years since I wore clothes with an ounce of actual color. Brown wasn't the most beautiful of them all, but it definitely differed from the dull greys and black that encased the ship. I held the clothes in my hands, taking in how soft and light the fabric was. </p><p> </p><p>Quickly I rushed to the bathroom to try them on. Each piece fit perfectly, accentuating and revealing my fairly toned shoulders and arms. I twirled and admired myself in the mirror until a stark realization hit me, how was I going to discreetly walk through the halls like this? The Supreme Leader has mentioned training was classified, but was that just a code word? Or was this really a big secret? I prayed that when it was time to leave, the hallways would be clear.</p><p> </p><p>My prayers were answered because the entire walk to the elevator I didn't see a single person. I read the directions over and over again on my datadap in the lift, making sure I was going to the right place. Anxiety had taken root in my stomach, I didn't want to make a fool of myself. The training room was on one of the highest levels, so I was surprised I had clearance to it. </p><p> </p><p>The lift slowed to a stop, and the static krept in. When the doors opened I was in a hallway much like the one I lived off, only it contained far less doors. I assumed this was because the suites on this level were much, much bigger than mine. I continued to follow the directions down the hall, and was soon led to my destination. </p><p> </p><p>I felt frozen, I'm sure I stood there for minutes just staring at the door like an idiot before I rang the bell. I could sense he was behind the door.</p><p> </p><p>Only it wasn't the looming masked man that had invited me here. Rather, a nervous looking young man, clad in robes similar to mine, only deep black. They matched his mane of dark wavy hair. </p><p> </p><p>I felt humiliated, how could I have gotten the wrong room? I checked my data pad, my cheeks filling with heat.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh I'm so sorry, I think I have the wrong place, I’m so-” </p><p> </p><p>“Johari.”</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:0 who could it beeeeeee</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Roadblock</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <span> I met the young man’s gaze at the mention of my name. I knew that voice, and that brown eye (that was now accompanied by a second). It was the same voice that insulted me on the floor of his ship, and the same eyes that begged me for help on Lothal. My jaw fell open. “It's okay, come in, please.” The visibly anxious man motioned for me to enter.</span>
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  <span>Silently and hesitantly I followed him into the room that now revealed itself to be a training gym. The black padded floor bounced beneath me. The walls were white and also padded, save for one that contained row after row of large weapons. The only actual furniture was a table next to the door, where the Supreme Leader’s red cracked helmet sat. I could feel him studying me from the center of the room. Finally I looked back to him.</span>
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  <span>“Supreme Leader sir I-” He cut me off again, this time gently waving his arm as he spoke,</span>
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  <span>“You don't have to call me that here, it's just a military rank. What we're doing is far greater than that, so there’s no need for formalities.” I nodded, shocked at how quick he was to dismiss his place over the Order. But it did help put me at ease, glad this would be a bit more casual than I expected. I took in my boss's new appearance. Freckles scattered his face. He seemed so… sheepish without the helmet. He lightly cradled his once wounded arm. </span>
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  <span>“What should I call you then, sir.” The answer seemed obvious but I was still unsure. His lips pursed for a moment. They were pink, like the color growing in his cheeks.</span>
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  <span>“My name. Kylo.” He was pretty. Most humans were not pretty, in my opinion. But he was exceptionally pretty. His features all harmonized, he looked like an actor in a holodrama. Why would a man who looked like this want to cover it with a mask? He would be a god amongst men. The red in his cheeks darkend.</span>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You of all people should know it's rude to stare.”  I hadn't even realized I had been. He cocked an eyebrow at me, his face remaining unmoved. The more I looked at him the more familiar he seemed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry. Right, Kylo…. Just not used to...” I motioned to my own face. He must have had a lot of trust in me, it didn't seem like being maskless was a common occurrence. He broke eye contact, and stared at the floor.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Its alright. I apologize for not warning you.”  We both let out a breathy chuckle to ease the tension, and for the first time I saw the small tug at the corner of his lips. He motioned to the center of the room and began to sit down, “Shall we get started?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah of course” I followed suit and sat down a few feet across from him. Even sitting he towered over me. He seemed so much more relaxed than all the other times we’d been together, but still wore a blanket of anxiety.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We aren't going to be using those are we?” I pointed to the wall of weapons. I had combat training, but I wasn't sure how skilled I would be with a battle axe. Especially against him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, not yet at least. We have to work on your mind first, strengthen it.” I was relieved to hear this. I listened intently as Kylo then went on with the first lesson, explaining how the Force worked. He looked elsewhere as he spoke, rarely meeting my gaze. As much as I loved learning I had to force myself to focus at times. This was all still so bizarre, it didn't feel real. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s like a road connecting everything, and people like you and I… let's just say we have bigger roads and the ability to close them off. This is one of the most useful skills: Building a wall to close off the connection.” He gestured timidly as he explained, “It’s important to guard your thoughts and emotions, and you happen to project them quite loudly…” He placed a hand on the back of his neck.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What? I do?” I couldn’t imagine all the humiliating things I’ve thought and felt… even since entering the training room alone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, like right now you’re incredibly worried and embarrassed.” Kylo’s stoic face softened. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Well, yeah </span>
  </em>
  <span>I tried not to roll my eyes, he continued,</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Meditation is a big part of the Jedi teachings, it helps strengthen your control in the Force. So I want you to close your eyes.” I did as he said, hands fidgeting in my lap. “Visualize your connection with the Force.” I took a few minutes, letting my mind clear to welcome the familiar sensation of the Force, and Kylo’s now faint signature in front of me. I focused on the paths created by the Force, all branching out like the roots of a tree. He must have sensed I was ready for the next instruction,</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Now create a roadblock, or a wall in your mind. Keeping all your thoughts safe but still allowing you to stay connected.” This part was a little trickier. While the paths around me never faltered, building my own wall was hard. I was physically straining to maintain my mind's secrecy. I held it for as long as I could before letting go, and opening my eyes. I hadn't realized mind tricks would be so depleting. The man in front of me cocked a brow.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I huffed, “That's way harder than I thought it would be..” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a good start, you did well. With practice it will get much easier, almost second nature.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>For the rest of training we worked on it, and by the fourth time it </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> gotten a bit easier. But I was still drained, and had even worked up a sweat. Kylo looked at the time on his watch as I laid back on the floor, trying to recover.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It's already almost 2100, this will be enough for today.” I sat up to face him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Already? Man..” I brushed one of my lekku off my shoulder, his eyes trailed its movement. I still couldn't believe I was looking at his face. He was just a man. He certainly didn't look like the First Order’s powerful overlord, not like this anyways. Not with his mane of black waves sat on top his broad shoul- </span>
  <em>
    <span>wait.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I hope the robes I sent to-” He attempted to make further conversation but I cut him off. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve seen- Im sorry sir yes the robes are great- but I’ve seen you before!” My excitement brought me to my feet. It was him in the hallway that night! He didn't seem nearly as hyped as I was.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re right.” He sat back on his hands to look up at me. I started pacing, my mind clearly blown,</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And you didn’t say anything? How did that happen? Did the Force do that? Could you see me?” I bombarded him with questions (per usual).</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I figured if I left my helmet off you would work it out, and you did. It was I who reached out to you that night, I felt a great… disturbance.” Memories with Z from that day came flooding back. Had I accidentally projected hard enough to cause a “disturbance”?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that how you knew I was Force sensitive?” He shook his head, and stood from his place on the floor.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I knew the second you arrived.” All of the pieces finally fell into place in my head, everything finally making sense. He searched my face for an answer, his own scrunched in concern.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This is…. AWESOME!” I could tell Kylo was a bit taken aback at my enthusiasm but I truly was astounded. “At first the whole Force thing really scared me but… I can lift things with my mind and connect with people in ways I never knew was possible…” His face still bore an exasperated look.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry… I know this is like.. Serious stuff.” I turned my gaze to the floor. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no. I often forget how exciting it was when I started training so long ago. Such raw enthusiasm is hard to come by these days.” I nodded silently. </span>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I departed from Kylo and the training room shortly after. The lift stopped a few floors above mine, letting in a pair of stormtroopers who hardly looked in my direction. Luckily they were too distracted with their own chatter to pay my now sweaty robes any attention. I trudged along the hallways back to my quarters, which still remained empty. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I stood half asleep in the refresher, my mind exhausted from the first day of training. I thought about how different it had been seeing the Supr- Kylo, without his helmet on. How his ungloved hands flexed picking it back up. How odd to finally really see the face behind the monster. He wasn't really a monster, I knew this from the second I'd seen the mangled hole in the helmet on Lothal. But the way his suave confidence and brash aura disappeared without the mask. He was calm, invested and steady during training. Maybe the Supreme Leader thing was an act, or perhaps it was the other way around. Either way I settled for peculiar. Nevertheless I was glad to seemingly have another ally aboard the Finalizer, and lucky it just so happened to be the man in charge.</span>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>reminder that i have a playlist for this fic!! i know i promised some art/ref pics but i havent figured out how i want to share them :).  https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ob5FtYemeN39PkocPPuu8?si=8cGD1pzEQiSXw3bBziTXUw</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. A Gift</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <em>The edges of my vision blurred as the memory had grown old and faded with time.  The morning sun cupped my cheek, providing me warmth from the chill of the dewy air that stuck to the rest of my skin. My feet crunched in the gravel with everyone else’s, it was the only sound being made. I walked with my head down.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> When the group arrived at our destination the others shuffled around the two coffins being carried in front of me, assisting with lowering them into the ground. A voice broke the silence. Their voice muffled by the veils of the dreamscape. I stood idle as the coffin’s wooden frames slowly disappeared, until all that was left was mounds of fresh dirt. Someone took hold of my hand, and led me away back down the gravel path we came from. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It would be several days until the next training session with Kylo. One particular morning I woke up in a sweat, my blankets strewn all over. Vivid dreams had krept their way into my slumber regularly. Most of them were just my own memories from long ago. But very few felt like someone else's; like I was seeing through a stranger’s eyes. Normally I wouldn't even dream at all, so I figured perhaps it was a part of my journey with the Force.</p><p> </p><p>Every so often there would be a slow day on the bridge, allowing for a bit more leisure time at my station. I used this time to meditate and work on building up my walls. Typically I would make chat with Z in between receiving transmissions. But I still remained alone. General Hux had followed up on our conversation on Starkiller, sending me a message if I had decided on ordering a replacement droid. I still had not  made up my mind. While having another droid friend by my side would probably cheer me up a bit (and be helpful at work and home) I still felt like it was an act of betrayal. I reread his message for the billionth time when I received a transmission. I set my data pad aside and got back to work. </p><p> </p><p>Finally lunch break came around, and Brin met me at my station, “Hey, lets go Julietta is waiting for us!” He nudged my chair. Julietta was a new addition to our little squad. She joined us one day in the cafeteria and the three of us have hung out ever since. We clicked instantly. She was an engineer, and spent most of her day repairing TIE fighters and other ships. I loved listening to her talk about her work, as I knew very little about the inner workings of ships ir really anything at all. Her and Brin were a lot alike in their grit and toughness, but she still contained a softer side that I saw in myself.</p><p> </p><p>“Right, lets bounce.” I was glad my small circle of friends was expanding, but I found it painfully difficult to keep my Force capabilities and training to myself. </p><p> </p><p>Brin and I were on our way out when the general emerged from his office. His path crossed ours, and he stopped us, “ Officer Bek, I'm pleased to see you took up my offer on a new droid! I put the order in as soon as I received your message.” Huh? I cocked my head in confusion. I was sure I hadn’t messaged him back about his offer. In fact I had just looked over it not too long ago that morning. I tried to hide the puzzlement that washed over me. Maybe I misclicked something or sent a reply and forgot about it...</p><p> </p><p>“Right, yeah.” weirder things have happened. “Thank you general.” He nodded and Brin and I continued our way out into the hall where Julietta awaited. </p><p> </p><p>She was shorter than me, but very toned from the strenuous work she did. Her grey eyes stood out from her deep complexion. She attempted to tame her wild hair into a First Order style uniform bun but by the time it was lunch, it had always already fallen loose, baby hairs sticking out. I often wondered what it looked like at the start of the day. She homed a boisterous laugh but a very gentle gaze. Julietta has been one of the few that had stuck around after my rebel fighting fame had faded. A wide grin stretched across her face as we met her. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“How’s it goin boys?” Julietta bumped my shoulder with her own, causing me to collide into Brin. She and Brin shared many of the same roughhousing mannerisms. Probably why they got along so well. Little did I know I would soon grow to be just as, if not stronger than the both of them. Our laughs typically filled the cafeteria.</p><p>   </p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Julietta waved us off as we returned to the command center after lunch. I was excited to see I had a new message from The Supreme Leader waiting for me on my data pad.  </p><p> </p><p><em> Another session tonight. Same time and place. </em>I was itching to get back to training. Mostly because I felt I had improved while training on my own here and there, and wanted desperately to prove myself. </p><p> </p><p>That night I made my way to the training room with a bit of pep in my step, sporting the pale beige robes Kylo had given me. Confidence took root in my gut, driving me forward with a smirk. I currently had lots to be grateful for: new friends, new clothes, and apparently a new droid (though I was still apprehensive). I stopped to straighten my back and clothes before entering the padded room once again, expecting him to be waiting for me. Only when the door opened, it revealed the room to be empty. I knew for sure I was in the right room this time.... Assuming he was just running late, I sauntered in. </p><p> </p><p>Since I had the place to myself I took time to inspect the wall of weapons. None of them were blasters or projectile of any sort, but rather handheld, requiring skill. Each was a different length and style, which created almost a mosaic-like look against the white padding. I let my hands glide across the blades surface, noticing they were all blunt. Probably a good thing if they were being used for practice...  As I inspected further, my mind wondered back to the dreams haunting my sleep, the memories that I had long forgotten resurfacing. I still didn't know what they meant..The door whooshed open, causing me to jump. I was so spaced out I didnt even feel the static in my head.</p><p> </p><p>“My apologies for keeping you waiting,” He was halfway through removing his helmet as he spoke, “A meeting took longer than anticipated.” He was still wearing the typical work attire, rather than the flowing practice robes like last time.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s alright, sir. Duty calls.” To be fair I was a bit early, it never hurt to be punctual. </p><p> </p><p>“Shall we get started,” Kylo nodded to the center of the room as he finished taking off the leather gloves that encased his hands. I nodded, plopping down on the ground. As he followed suit, he stared at me, his brows slightly furrowed. My brain buzzed. </p><p> </p><p>“You’ve gotten stronger already. Have you been practicing?” His stoic expressions softened for a moment. I was a bit proud of myself that he had even noticed. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, whenever I had some downtime here and there…”</p><p> </p><p>“Very good.” He seemed pleased, “But there's something else on your mind?” I sighed.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.. Yeah.” I fidgeted with the fabric of my robes, “I’ve been having dreams, lately..”</p><p> </p><p>“Dreams?” Kylo leaned forward a bit.</p><p> </p><p>“More like memories, but sometimes they aren't <em> mine </em>, like I’m seeing through someone else’s eyes. But recently they're just memories I haven't thought about or even remembered until now.. “</p><p> </p><p>“Like what?” I told him about the dream from the previous night, the one about the funeral back on Kiros.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought your grandparents were still alive?” he shook his head.</p><p> </p><p>“They are,” I smiled as I thought of them, “It was my parents funeral, not theirs.” Before Kylo could respond I added, “How do you know my grandparents are alive?” His cheeks reddened.</p><p> </p><p>“I uh, did some snooping, you send your pay to them, if I'm correct.” I found it a bit humorous that he would go out of his way to do that.</p><p> </p><p>Of course he did. I probably would have done the same if I could.</p><p>" I do, even after all this time.” I steered the conversation back on track, “Do these dreams and memories have anything to do with, all this?” He thought on it for a moment, then returned his gaze to meet mine,</p><p> </p><p>“Well...memory can flow through the Force, much like emotion. Perhaps yes, your sensitivity to the Force is causing them. And similar to feelings, memory can be transferred through connections.” </p><p> </p><p>“Really? How?” I was eager to know more, but he hesitated. </p><p> </p><p>“Here,” Kylo outreached a palm towards me, “let me see your hand.” I complied, placing my own in his, it dwarfed mine. The sensation of someone's skin under mine was foreign, it had been so long since I experienced contact so intimate and innocent as a touch of hands. I had a feeling it was the same for the man in front of me, as tension hung in the air.  “I'm going to show you a memory, close your eyes.”</p><p> </p><p>I nodded, “Okay..” I let my gaze on his pink cheeks linger, watching him close his first, and followed. </p><p> </p><p>Suddenly I was no longer sitting on the floor of the training room. I was walking through the ship. It took me a moment to realize I was looking through  someone else's eyes..... Kylo's eyes. I could feel my heart racing as I weaved through the halls, groups of stormtroopers and personnel standing salute as I passed. My chest heaved, and my mind screamed. Where was I going? My question was answered as I willed the cafeteria doors open with the Force. I could feel its power pulsing through me. Heads turned in my direction, all but one. Mine. Johari's<em>. </em> Sitting at that table with his back to the door. The officer then let go of the Togruta's headtail, he and the other two culprits lifted into the air. But none of it was my doing. Not <em> Kylo’s </em>doing. Rage pounded in my eardrums as I spoke to them, and thats all I did. Speak. It wasnt me manipulating the Force. It was Joahri, whether he knew it or not. I knew what came next. I watched as their necks snapped and their bodies hit the floor. I wanted to look away, but it was out of my control. I was just a viewer inside this vessel. I could feel my own fear as I turned and left the cafeteria, the memory jolting to a halt.</p><p> </p><p>I was thrown back into reality, back in the training room across from Kylo. I yanked my hand from the warmth of his, retreating across the room from where I sat, tears welled in my eyes, “Why would you show me that.” He shook his head, bringing up his hands in defense.</p><p> </p><p>“ Johari. I wanted you to feel what I felt.” I could feel the guilt radiating off of him .The corners of my mouth quivered. “I don't understand.”</p><p> </p><p>“I wanted you to see.. To feel.. That it wasn't me that day...You’re more powerful than you know.”</p><p> </p><p>It hit me like a brick wall. I killed those men? Me? I didn't even realize what I was doing. What if Kylo hadn't been there.. Would everyone be more afraid of me than they already had been? The tears fell down my cheek into my lap.</p><p> </p><p>“Its my fault…” I shook my head. Kylo scooted forward, in some attempt to comfort me but clearly not sure how. “Im a murderer…”</p><p> </p><p>“Aren't we all? If you hadn't I would have.” We were silent for a while as I calmed down.</p><p> </p><p>“I shouldn't have told you.” </p><p> </p><p>“No," I thought on it for a moment, "I'm sort of glad you did… Deep down I did want them to die." My words shocked me as they came out. "I was so tired of being fucked with like that. I must have just snapped.” I met his gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“You will never be treated that way again. Soon enough they will all answer to you. I mean when I say you are more than them.” I was shocked at the passion behind his voice. He was being genuine.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p> </p><p>The remainder of training consisted in various exercises using the Force. We went over the basics of manipulating the Force to lift and move objects. Kylo was gentler in his teaching, his usual stoic face softened as he spoke. It was even more strenuous than the wall building, but much more exciting. I didn't have enough pent up energy to lift three grown men or parts of a building off the ground, but I was able to lift a training sphere a few times. At the end of practice I attempted to lift Kylo’s helmet from where it sat on the table, but could only make it rattle a bit. This earned a soft laugh from him, as he showed up my attempt by having it fly right into his hand. I would get there, someday.</p><p> </p><p>As training came to an end for the night, Kylo filled me on what to expect next session, “You’re senses are sharpening so I think we will start with combat techniques. Keep meditating, and stretch.” </p><p> </p><p>I twiddled my thumbs, “Do all Force users become warriors?” He seemed a bit taken aback at my question, thinking about it.</p><p> </p><p>“No, but it helps.” </p><p> </p><p>“Right..” My voice was quiet, I was starting to feel the exhaustion set in. After the shocking revelation that I had killed three men (on accident), I blocked as much of my connection as I could. I didn't want Kylo to know how much it really had affected me, but between lifting the training spheres and that… I was worn out. “Have a good night.” I trudged past him towards the door, and out to the hall.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Entering my quarters, I was fully prepared to crash on the couch, and call it a night. But as I face planted into a pair of firm cushions, I realized I wasn't alone. A familiar silhouette met me as I sat up and faced the corner.</p><p> </p><p>A droid stoof, powered down. A new droid.</p><p> </p><p>I didn't think it would come so soon… I stood to get a better look. It was the same model as Z, but a different paint job (a better paint job one could say). Its chrome body was a darker charcoal, like most of the droids in the First Order. I had to admit it was sleeker, and more aesthetically pleasing than the silver. Upon closer investigation I realised the eyes were a different color too. They were blue. My favorite color. Who was behind this? The droid's blue eyes were framed by engraving, lines that zig zagged across the cheeks and forehead, I swore I’d seen ones like them before. I blinked, dumbfounded. The smooth carvings on its face were my own markings. They were subtle on the droid, but so beautiful.</p><p> </p><p>My smile was a mile wide. <em> Kylo… </em>   Was this a gift from <em> him? </em>I had a hunch as to why the request went through without my confirmation.</p><p> </p><p>I thought once I got a new droid it would be hard to power it up, and while I was a bit hesitant, I wanted to meet my new (beautiful) companion. Its blue eyes glowed to life as it hummed to startup. I took a step back, waiting for it to speak.</p><p> </p><p>“Johari?” Tonight was full of surprises. </p><p> </p><p>Tears welled in my eyes, “Z??” He took a few steps forward, looking around the suite.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh my stars, how did we get home so quick? What's happened?” I didn't answer him before flinging myself into his cold frame once again.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought you were lost. I saw you, you were gone. And now you have a new body and ...” He patted my back lightly.</p><p> </p><p>“My records are automatically saved to a database, for this reason. If my body was damaged or destroyed, I can simply be uploaded to another.” Learning this, I felt like a fool for waiting so long to get another droid. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh man am I glad you’re back. I have so much to tell you.” Tears streamed down my face for the second time today. </p><p> </p><p>“How long have I been gone?” </p><p> </p><p>I wasted no time in filling him in, I even told him about the Force (which he cared less about he's a damn droid). It felt like a weight was lifted off my chest, I felt whole having my companion back with me, especially if I was right in who graciously personalized him for me. </p><p> </p><p>Things finally felt like they were going to be okay...</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Rage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Getting to sleep that night was harder than usual. images of the memory Kylo had played for me flashed across the dark of my eyelids. I tossed and turned. Each time it crept its way back I tried to replace it with happy thoughts, like my reunion with Z. Or the words Kylo had said to reassure me.<em> You will never be treated that way again.  </em>Eventually the gentle grasp of sleep carried me away.</p><p> </p><p>Even after getting a subpar nights sleep I was excited to show Z’s new upgrade off to Brin. The man did a double take as we joined him in the lift to work. </p><p> </p><p>“Wh- your droid’s here already?!” I laughed as he looked Z up and down, “This one's snazzy! ‘S even got your face on it Jo! This hunk of metal is much prettier than the old one.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Officer Heath. But I’ll have you know it is still CZ-54 here.” Brin’s face turned pink.</p><p>“Well shoot sorry man. But hey good to have you back.” He slapped a hand on Z’s shoulder, causing the droid to stumble. Brin turned to me, “Who’d you have to pay to get em so fancy?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don't know, to be frank I didn't even put the request through myself.” I shrugged, “He just showed up in my suite last night.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hm, seems like you got a secret admirer.” He knocked my shoulder just as he had to Z.</p><p> </p><p>There wasn't anyone else it could have been besides Kylo, he saw how Z’s ‘death’ had affected me. But I wasn't so sure I was going to tell Brin that.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Maybe it was Hux? You two do work closely.” Julietta arched a brow, a mischievous look painted on her face. I rolled my eyes. After Brin and I met up with her at lunch and introduced her to Z (which went swimmingly as Z seems quite fond of the young lady already) the three of us tried to figure out who had gifted me the droid. </p><p> </p><p>“He's my supervisor! The only time we interact really is when I hand in data logs for the day.” I hunched my shoulders in defense. “that's more than the rest of us” Julietta continues to tease.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey I'm A-OK with staying out of that guys way.. He's like a smaller….weirder version of me! Creeps me out man!” We laughed at Brins remark. He did have a point, General Hux was pleasant in the times we'd spoken, but he was still strange. (and VERY short compared to Brin)</p><p> </p><p>I thought about it as Z and I returned to our station. It was a bit humorous to compare the two, they were nothing alike. While Brin was large and built, he was a jolly giant. His full cheeks were basically stained a permanent rosy pink from all the joking he did. And unlike General Hux, his red hair was much more fair; strawberry blond almost. I was glad I got to know the wholesome side of him after all those years. Hux was on the smaller side, but somehow less approachable. His hair matched his fiery personality, a deep ginger that brought out his eyes. I had come to appreciate his bluntness, and even his snake-like demeanor as it was intriguing. </p><p> </p><p>Just then, coincidentally, the door to his office opened, the general standing in the doorway. He looked at his watch impatiently, chest heaving a sigh. Annoyance radiated off of him. <em> Someone </em>was late. I could tell that much. And by the way my brain began to fizz, I had a good idea who it might be. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo stormed through the command center's doors not seconds later. We all stood to greet the Supreme Leader. His cape billowed behind him as he strode over to the red head. It didn't seem like him with all the getup on, like,  it was so hard to match the soft face beneath the mask with the hulking figure that turned heads. Kylo was annoyed too, he either didn't bother to conceal his emotions or was bothered enough that they slipped through cracks in the walls of his mind.</p><p> </p><p>Hux stood unmoving in the doorway. “You <em> could </em> give me a heads up next time you're planning on being late. Sir.” He said it softly through gritted teeth. Kylo just brushed past him, disappearing into the office. We all took our seats. </p><p> </p><p>It wasn't long after that the connection between Kylo and I had opened suddenly. Rage washed over me. A cocktail of emotion poured into my brain, making its way through my veins. I could feel my hands and legs shaking from the adrenaline. Is this what he was feeling? What was going on in there? I swiveled in my chair to look back at the office door, which had remained closed. </p><p> </p><p>“Johari? Everything alright?” I turned back to face Z, trying to calm myself in his steady voice. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, just thought I heard something.” I certainly had felt something, that's for sure. I couldn't even begin to focus on the work in front of me, it took all my might to even press transfer on a trade document. I was itching to know what was going on. </p><p> </p><p>The door didn't even open. It was torn from its place, thrown into the center of the room with a screeching crash. That familiar mass of black storming out, hardly stopping to wait for the bridge doors to slide open all the way. Hux filed out shortly after, fumbling over his feet. His fists balled and his face reddened as he stared back at the room full of personnel, “Back to work!” spit flying from his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>Every feeling inside me intensified, the rage painful in my head. Chances are it wasn't my place, but I had to find Kylo. It was clear he was upset. I only prayed he wouldn't take out these emotions on me.</p><p> </p><p>I stood slowly from my place, making my best attempt to be sly as I walked out. Most of the officers were busy whispering amongst themselves about the event anyways. Two sets of eyes were plastered on me as I looked back. My loyal droid, and Brin. Their faces disappeared behind the doors. </p><p> </p><p>I wasted no time picking up my pace. My calm facade vanished as I scurried through the hallways. I didn't need to rely totally on Kylo’s force signature to find him, as the groaning stormtroopers that lined the floors and the occasional scorched slash in the wall showed me the way. </p><p> </p><p>The trail ended at a set of elevators. It didn't take me long to figure out which one he'd gotten into, as one of the panels had been smashed in. I wasn't a stranger to rage, I'd watched as drill sergeants and superiors lost their shit over anything less than perfection. The First Order was built off rage. But this was different. It wasn't anger as a scare tactic, or fear as a weapon. This was rage coming from hurt, from anxiety and isolation. From misunderstanding.</p><p> </p><p>I focused the Force to will the elevator door open, knowing well it had not left to travel to a different floor yet, that Kylo would be there inside. </p><p> </p><p>His back faced the entrance, shoulders moving as he breathed. I figured he didn't need to turn around to know it was me. I stepped inside cautiously, the doors shutting the moment I passed the threshold. His helmet was off, gripped tightly in his gloved hand at his side. The other hand held his lightsaber hilt. It was quiet for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay?” My voice was hardly above a whisper. We'd both been vulnerable in front of each other before whether we liked it or not. I'd hoped that meant me coming to him wouldn't be out of place. He and I clearly had a bond past superior and subordinate, I hoped he saw that too. Kylo stood frozen as he spoke,</p><p> </p><p>“Why do you care?” My heart twinged, but I thought on it for a moment. </p><p> </p><p>“If someone could feel what I felt I'd hope they would do the same.” He sighed, glancing over his shoulder at me; puffy eye peeking through his wavy bangs, not meeting my gaze. </p><p> </p><p>“Well if you're here to coddle me and treat me like I'm a ticking time bomb you can leave.”</p><p> </p><p>“When have I ever held my tongue around you.” I wasn't sure where my response came from but it was true nevertheless. He made me nervous, and intimidated me but somehow formalities flew out the window when we were together.</p><p> </p><p>Kylo was quiet still, but I could feel the tension slowly leaving him. I moved to lean up against the wall next to me. I hadn't realized how small the lift was until now. How cramped we were in each other's space. He mirrored my action and leaned against the wall opposite, replacing his lightsaber at his hip. His head hung low, but I could still see his face was red and tear stained.</p><p> </p><p>He cleared his throat before speaking, “I'm being sent to the Conqueror for a week to lead a conference with First Order allies. ”</p><p> </p><p>“You don't want to, I assume.” Kylo shook his head.</p><p> </p><p>“There are better things to do than sit in a conference room and kiss politicians' asses, that is not how you get shit done.” He looked to the panel on the wall beside him, buttons beeping faintly as he pressed them. The lift started moving. He hesitated before adding, “I don't like doing these things. Believe it or not I don't always like walking into a room and being feared by everyone. And you clearly know public speaking isn't my thing.” I nodded, thinking back to the first assignment I joined him on. </p><p> </p><p>“You're the Supreme Leader, can't you say no? Send the General instead?” The mere mention of Hux made him tense again. But I was confused, he's the leader of the First Order, why couldn't he make his own decision?</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not like that. There's a whole council of higher ups that make these decisions, I'm just the poster boy, at least that's how it feels.” his tone was bitter. “I’d even asked for you to accompany me but I couldn't give them a good reason without exposing you as my student.”</p><p> </p><p>He’d wanted me to come with him? I wondered if it was for strictly political reasons, or personal.</p><p> </p><p>“Exposing me? Do they not know of my abilities?” I knew it might be a secret but I didn't know how secret.</p><p> </p><p>“No. I fear if I make it known before you are ready, before you are properly trained they’ll..” He trailed off. “It doesn't matter just- no one should know before you're ready. I don't need anyone intervening in your training.” </p><p> </p><p>This angered me, the way he was clearly being used, the way he had to hide things. Why would he stay here and tolerate this? Kylo was much more powerful then some council members (in both the Force and status).</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Where else would I go? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>His thought echoed in my head. I’d forgotten how clearly we could see into eachothers minds at the moment. But instead he said aloud, </p><p> </p><p>“It's my destiny to be here, to rule. Whether or not that includes their guidance or not.” His voice lost its emotion. Finally his eyes met mine, and I offered a sorry smile.  </p><p> </p><p>“Is it my destiny to be here too?” The doors opened, but before gliding out he nodded,</p><p> </p><p>“The Force brought us together for a reason. Come.” I followed him out. I realised we had gotten off on the floor where the training room was. I trailed behind him as he sauntered down the hall, passing the training rooms entrance. I was about to ask where we were going when he stopped in front of the next door down. The smell of stale paper wafted out of the room as the door opened.</p><p> </p><p>This room was much smaller than the training one, but it made my heart skip a beat. As I moved to the center of the room I took in my surroundings. Every wall was lined ceiling to floor with black bookshelves. Most housing row after row of books, but others held artifacts and trinkets. In front of me towards the back wall was a large desk complete with a matching chair, and behind that was a large window that looked out into the galaxy. To the right, in between the shelves, was another door.</p><p> </p><p>I could feel Kylo’s gaze on me as I looked, mouth agape, “What is this?” I hurried over to one of the shelves, inspecting the ancient looking books. It had been so long since I'd actually seen real text. Almost everything we did was a hologram or on a data pad. </p><p> </p><p>“This is my study.” His sheepish self had seemingly returned as he set his helmet gently on the desk and leaned against it. </p><p> </p><p>“Where did you get all these books?” I turned my attention from the bookcase.</p><p> </p><p>“All over, I just sort of collected them over time.” Kylo shrugged.</p><p> </p><p>“You must have been to so many places…Why did you bring me here?” My question seemed to spark his memory in why he had. He turned to one of the shelves, pulling a handful of ancient looking texts off the wall, setting them on the desk. Dust settled around them.</p><p> </p><p>“I know we were supposed to start combat training but obviously that will have to wait until I return, but I want you to continue your training. I had a hunch you would be a bit of a bookworm.” He gestured to the stack of books. “These are jedi texts I’ve collected from temples.”</p><p> </p><p>To think he once thought I was annoying for being so educated.</p><p> </p><p>I practically pushed the taller man out of the way, excited to get my hands on them. He was spot on about my bookworm-ism. I loved to learn. Gently, I ran my fingers over the battered covers. The Force vibrated around me.</p><p> </p><p>“Jedi?” I looked up at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, there's not many Sith texts, and they're a bit harder to get a hold of.” His brow furrowed, “But aside from ideology, there are helpful lessons, like lightsaber fighting styles, sense and control.” I couldn't hide my smile at the mention of a lightsaber. Such a striking and distinguished weapon. The thought of having one of my own someday both scared and excited me. Was I worthy of something so legendary?</p><p> </p><p>I shook my head in disbelief. It seemed too good to be true. “This is incredible, thank you.” I beamed. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo shifted awkwardly, leaning over my shoulder, “Well, if you finish these you’re welcome to help yourself to any else in here. You can access this whenever you like.” I wanted to scream and cheer. I was so excited; gods I could have hugged the man. But I quickly realized I would be crossing a boundary, and was already crowding his space as it was. I took a step back to face him.</p><p> </p><p>“Really, I can't thank you enough. By time you return I'll probably have read the entire room. I’ll be a master of the Force.” I joked, his stoic face softening to a small smile. </p><p> </p><p>“Well see about that.” He looked over to the clock on the desk, “Speaking of which I should go. I'm late for departure, again.”</p><p> </p><p>“You have to leave so soon?” He nodded solemnly as he picked up and placed his helmet back onto his head. </p><p> </p><p>“You should get back to your station soon, too.” I sighed thinking about how I was to attempt to make an unnoticed return. Hopefully Z and Brin wouldn't fuss too much that I had left chasing after the Supreme Leader. The last thing I needed was to have to explain my situation to Brin; I wasn't quite ready yet. The thought of my droid made me remember it's possible gifter. Kylo turned to leave. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you for my droid, Kylo.”</p><p> </p><p>His modulated voice responded, “You’re welcome, Johari.” And then I was left alone in my new paradise.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>FINALLY I had some time to write :)) i have mapped out the entirely of the fic at last.... its gonna get juicy yall better hold on</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Past</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I was able to excuse my sudden disappearance after Kylos </span>
  <em>
    <span>moment</span>
  </em>
  <span> in the command center as a simple bathroom emergency. Brin didn't bother asking any further and let out a hearty laugh. I processed that afternoon's events as I sat at my station, the sound of engineers fixing General Hux’s door filling the room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was obviously aware of Kylo’s temper before, and had it been anyone else perhaps I would have been more fearful. But his anger existed in me, as I'm sure mine had that day in the cafeteria. I thought about how the Force and his abilities alienated him, made him so alone on this crowded ship; how alone I’d been for so long. It didn't seem like he had many people to share things with. Images of his study entered my mind, all the books and trinkets he’d personally collected, and how he was sharing that with me. How honored I was that he was teaching me to use my Force abilities. Maybe the only thing the both of us had ever wanted was someone to share with, whether we knew it or not. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I practically ran to the study after dinner that night. I was eager to sink my teeth into new lessons. And </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe</span>
  </em>
  <span> I wanted to impress Kylo with how much I’d learned when he got back, part of me desperately seeking his approval. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The study was just as I had left it that afternoon. I almost expected to be denied access when I stood outside the door.  I welcomed the smell of the old books. Taking a seat in the chair behind the desk, I pulled the stack of books Kylo had previously left towards me. After struggling to decide which one to start with, I settled for one with a deep chocolate brown cover. The binding had long faded gold detailing. It opened stiffly, clearly no one read any of these very often. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It had taken me hours but I made it through two of the books. I even grabbed my datapad to take notes. Kylo had been right, as one of the texts did include helpful information on lightsaber forms. The other covered more theory, and the abilities within sense. What I had understood about the Jedi’s core principles had confused me. Jedi seemed obsessed with self righteousness; entitled. Arrogant. Stories I was told as a kid painted them as heroes and peacekeepers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I thought only accepting the light was pointless. Their obsession with keeping balance made no sense if they only looked to the light to guide them. I lived so much of my life without the Force, and even I knew one needed the good and bad both. That's what true balance was, enduring the darkness so you would cherish the light. I wondered how much of the light Kylo grasped onto. The text only told of the light’s power; that strength came from peace, compassion and selflessness. I did agree with this, of course, I could see myself using my powers to help people.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But something deep within me stirred. Something that craved power.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shut the book with the thump, I was getting tired and after checking the time I figured I should head back home. I started to make my way out, glancing at the mysterious door, wondering where it led to. Something else caught my eye, on the one of the knick knack shelves. A small blue cube sat alongside knives and other displayed items. I stared at it for a moment, I hadn't seen anything like it before. Surely if Kylo had given me access to the room, and all the books he wouldn't mind me checking out a few things, right? Besides, there was </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span> about this box..</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I picked it up, holding it close to inspect the details. The blue was surrounded by worn, gold geometric shapes. I looked for any sort of lid to open it, failing to find one. I was about to give up, and set it back in its place when It started to glow in my hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Startled, I dropped it, “Shit.” I stepped back and watched as the corners of the box flipped and a hologram was projected in the center. My jaw might as well have hit the floor next to it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took a seat on the floor in front of the box, unable to take my eyes off the blue figure. She was a beautiful Togruta woman, much older than me. Her layers of robes hung to the floor, front lekku almost following suit. A wide smile replaced my look of shock. Tears sat at the brim of my eyelids. Was she a Force user? Another Togruta? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She began to speak, “This is General and Jedi Master, Shaak Ti. Reporting on the Battle of Kamino.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I leaned in close as she recalled her experience with the battle, which I truly did not find all that intriguing, I was more interested in her. The Jedi’s voice was soft but stern all the same. I figured the point of the hologram was to keep a record of the attack. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Clones”. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I knew of the clone wars, mostly from elders back on Kiros. Grandparents, like my own, often traded stories of the Jedi masters who freed our people from slavers long ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>I sat stunned as the hologram disappeared, and the box closed. I knew the Jedi were extinct, so she was most likely dead. But I couldn't help but wonder: If I was alive back then, would I have ended up in the Jedi order as she did? For some reason her recording struck me with so much emotion, much like the photos Z showed me what felt like so long ago. I felt less alone. I felt seen. I could be as great as she, a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jedi master</span>
  </em>
  <span> she called herself. I would be no Jedi, but I would be strong and </span>
  <em>
    <span>powerful.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I was sure of it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next few days I followed the same routine of making my way to the study during lunch after work (making MANY excuses to ditch lunch in the cafeteria). Although I enjoyed the company of the books around me, I quickly got tired of being alone. I tried to cure this by bringing Z along with me, but it backfired as he refused to enter the Supreme Leader’s quarters without clearance from him. I hardly thought the study was his </span>
  <em>
    <span>quarters</span>
  </em>
  <span> but let Z go back home as he wished. I would ask Julietta to come with me, but that required me to open a large can of beans… I felt bad, though. I had been sort of ditching her and Brin all week, promising myself that once things were back to normal I would get to spend time with them again.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My grandparents sat at the table in front of me, brows furrowed. Grandma’s hand outstretched, reaching for my own. I pulled it back, wanting to retreat into myself. They were actually sending me away.  The last few years I knew I was becoming too much for them; acting out, not showing up to lessons and slacking at the shop. It was all adding up. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We love you.”  “You need to straighten out” “We want you to succeed.” “You’re disrespectful.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Grandma tried to sugar coat the message, but grandpa hadn’t held back. We had always butted heads, him and I, but after my parents passed things only got worse. I knew the strain I was putting them through was hard but, I never thought they would actually send me away to the academy. He was ready to get rid of me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My lips quivered as I struggled to keep myself composed. I didn't want them to know how much they were hurting me. I didn't want to join the First Order. They seemed powerful enough without me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The dream phased forward.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I made my way to the shuttle, gripping the brown package at my side. Grandma had given it to me before I left the house. Before I’d left them behind. She sobbed into the front of my tunic as we said our goodbyes. I could hardly utter a word. I hadn’t spoken since they told me the news the previous night. Grandpa opened his mouth to speak. I only offered him a quick look and a nod before ripping myself from grandma's grip, and turning on my heel before he could say anything.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I settled into my seat, finally letting the tears fall.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Images of that night's dream stayed fuzzy at the edge of my memory. It stuck with me even as I entered the study after work, and all the way home to my quarters that night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Replaying it in my mind one last time, I sat on my bed across from my dresser. It had been so long since I </span>
  <em>
    <span>truly</span>
  </em>
  <span> dove into my past. But I had made it so far avoiding it. Until I had come aboard the Finalizer I hadn't thought much of my parents, grandparents or the world I was forced to leave. Or the one I was forced to join. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I fished for the package in the back of the drawer, crinkling as I grabbed it. I sat back on my bed and stared at it. It was calling to me, in a way. Gently, I began to pull the brown paper back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first thing atop the pile was a headpiece, the worn leather one I was wearing the day I left. I ran my fingers over the surface. It was my favorite, I loved the way it covered so much of my big forehead. I wore it almost everyday until it wasn't allowed in the academy anymore. Chances are it was much too small to fit me now. I smiled remembering all the memories I’d made wearing it. Birthdays and holidays, working in grandpas shop, playing in the sun with my friends in summer. Things were so simple. Reaching for the next item in the wrapping, I set it aside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another headpiece, this one far daintier than the other. Several chains hooked together creating two loops where my montrals would go. The golden chains were adorned with gems and beads. Presumably at the front of the piece, was a larger crystal. I rolled it in my palm. The beautiful purple shard glinted, even under the fluorescent lights. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I hadn't ever worn this one, as most of my life it was too big, but it had been a gift. I thought about the day I had received it. My grandfather was one of the most skilled jewelers in town, hand crafting beautiful and intricate pieces. I often helped out at his shop after my lessons, watching his careful hands work. It had been the birthday before my parents passed. I was so ecstatic to have such a wonderful piece custom made just for me. He explained how he'd made it to fit me for when I grew up, that it was meant for me to wear on the day of my wedding. As a young boy the thought of getting married was corny and embarrassing. But now that I thought about it, I longed for the intimacy of another person. Someone to share everything with...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I reached up and placed it on my head, trotting to the bathroom to see how it looked. Finally, it fit me. The purple crystal hung down in the middle of my forehead, my markings framing it. Almost like he knew someday they would.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I returned to my room to examine the rest of the package. Much like the headpiece, these next items were also meant for a wedding. My father's formal robes. The fire that killed my parents ruined almost everything in our home, save for a few things here and there. These had been lucky, and were basically untouched. He had worn them on the day he married my mother. I stood to let the set unfold. Flowy navy and light blue almost silk like fabric hung to the floor. I looked over the detailing; golden beading and swirling fabric patterns. The robes were accompanied by a matching sash, which was a traditional belt-like garment most Togruta wore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A lump formed in my chest trying to remember my father. His face was hazy in my memories.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Johari, you have a visitor.” Z’s voice called from the front room, bringing me back to reality. Panic set in, and I threw the clothes onto my bed. As gently, and quickly as I could I tore the headpiece from around my montrals, shoving it in my pocket.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Johari, Sir you musnt keep him waiting!” The droid called anxiously. It was probably just Brin, here to ask what my deal was the last few days.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm coming, I'm coming, Jeez.” I scurried down the hall into the mainroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it wasn't the burly ginger who had come to visit. Kylo stood awkwardly in my living room.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>FINALLY back to wiritng and posting... this semester is a bit crazy for me but IM SO EXCITED FOR THESE next few chapters they are my favorite parts of this story honestly.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Compainions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He stared back at me, doe eyed. Dressed in his capes, helmet tucked under his arm, he looked massive in my suddenly small apartment. I couldn't read him at all, he'd closed off our connection almost completely. Probably why I hadn't felt him near. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You're back early, is everything okay?.” I broke the awkward tension, searching his face for a hint as to why he was here. Panic started to rise in me immediately. Surely something bad happened? Did someone try to sabotage the conference? Was there an attack? Though, his  face was clean and free of any scrapes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded, “Yeah it went well actually. I was just able to wiggle my way out of the last few days.” Of course he did. I held back a chuckle. I relaxed a bit, heading to the kitchen for some glasses.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When did you get back on ship?”. I filled them with water and returned to the living room, politely shooing Z back into the kitchen for some privacy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo shifted where he stood, “About five minutes ago.” I offered the glass out to him, he took it gently before setting his helmet down on the coffee table between us. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There had to be a reason for him to come straight to my place. Especially since he very rarely went out of his own way to contact me besides training…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I sat down on the couch, hoping he would follow suit to make this situation less confrontational. If there was one thing I knew how to do, it was read a room. Hesitantly he took a seat on the opposite end, toying with the glass in his hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you here, Kylo? Surely the others on this floor must be just as confused why the Supreme Leader is in my quarters.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His gaze was fixed on the liquid in the glass, as if it had the answers. Maybe it did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo cleared his throat, “The conference went well, really well in fact. One our most prestigious allies is hosting a ball next week to celebrate.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I would be lying if I said this didn't warm my heart at least a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He had been so nervous and distraught about it all before he left. I was glad it was a success. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That's great! I knew you would do great.” My smile was honest. Finally tearing his eyes away from the glass to meet mine, I saw his face flush.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” His appreciation was short lived as his hesitance returned. “I uh. Well- Hux already sent a request to the council to have you accompany us- for your interpersonal skills, but I wanted you to come along regardless so, I thought I would come and invite you personally.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn't need to be a Force user to know he was nervous. His body language told what the closed connection couldn't. The man leading a powerful army and empire. The one who had just secured some of the most influential allies in all the outer rim. He was nervous to ask me to a ball. It was no more than a question, so why would he close his emotions off from me? I thought for a moment, but Kylo must have taken this as reluctance. “I value our situation- err- companionship very much. And I know getting off ship is something you enjoy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No yes, yes of course. Yeah. I would love to go, thank you.” The corner of his mouth twitched for a moment before his stoic look returned, “Where is the ball going to be held?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Canto Bight.” My jaw dropped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Canto Bight?! </span>
  </em>
  <span>Isn't that place insanely fancy?” Kylo nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's a bit high class..” Even I knew that was an understatement. I jumped to my feet to rebuttal playfully, but knocked over my own glass of water in the process.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shit-” I bent over to pick up the mess when I felt a tug at my pocket. My headpiece. It must have been falling out of my pocket. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is this?” Kylo questioned. I whipped back around, reaching my hand out for the headpiece at the same time he did. It was a stalemate. The both of us extended our hands out for the jewelry, as it hovered between us. The Force vibrated as I fought to will it to myself, but Kylo was effortlessly  stronger. I gave in, dropping my hand at my side. His eyes turned from mine to the headpiece in his hand. It was rare I used my abilities, out of habit I simply saved it for the training room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm sorry. I know we aren't supposed to have personal belongings from our home worlds I just couldn't get rid of some things I-” My rambling apology was cut short by Kylo raising his free hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop. What is this?” He asked again, his brows furrowed. A lump formed in my throat. I almost felt guilty, like I had personally betrayed his trust. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's a headpiece. My grandfather was a jeweler.” He inspected it further before motioning for me to take it back. “Show me? Put it on.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Cautiously I returned to my place on the couch next to him before taking the piece and placing it on my head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By his curious reaction I assumed he was rather indifferent about my secret. I offered a half hearted smile as he scanned my montrals. I wondered what he thought, and would think if he saw the rest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have more?”  I should remember to guard my thoughts now that he was around again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“um, yeah. Would you like to see?” He nodded gently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I led him down the hall to my room where the blue garments still lay on my bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The Supreme Leader is in my bedroom…. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I couldn't help but to find humor in the situation. Kylo's cheeks pinked and I was sure mine were doing the same. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As I explained how the robes belonged to my father, the taller man nodded silently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry for freaking out. I was always told this was a pretty punishable offense.” Kylos eyes continued to trace the detailing of the fabric.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well you've seen my study, not much different.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head, “Yes it is. You're….you.” He seemed to understand the rank comparison I was trying to make. He turned to face me, I still couldn't read him. I searched his soft eyes for a hint of something, anything. I missed his presence in my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should wear this. To the ball.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was completely taken aback. “What? Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. Will it fit?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I- I think so. Isnt it too much? Won't I stand out?” I shook my head. He chuckled lightly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rich fucks will do anything to show off how rich they are, frolicking like peacocks. You might even be underdressed.” I joined him in snickering, “There will be more than just humans, too.” He added while straightened his posture, eyes darting around the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So you're saying I'll actually fit in?” I teased him a bit. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not that you don't here-” He was quick to retract, “Just… you know. I can feel your ...remoteness sometimes.” Kylo was proving to be much more intuitive than I had thought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” We both knew what it was like to be alone. I was quiet for a moment as we both searched for more to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh! Speaking of your study. Those books! So many fantastic things-” Kylo cut me off once again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Save it for our next training meeting. I know we have much to discuss.” He started out of my room and down the hall, “We've got a few days before the ball, I figured we could start combat lessons.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That sounds great.” I said sheepishly as he grabbed his helmet from the table. The thought of having to fight Kylo made me a bit nervous. I'd have to start going to the gym with Brin to beef up a bit…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right. Well. My apologies for barging in like this, a bit less informal than protocol.”  He stood awkwardly by the door. I shook my head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for coming to see me, it was good to see you.” I hoped the sincerity in my voice wasn't too off putting. “You should go get some rest.” His waves bounced as he nodded lightly, and placed his helmet back over his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then he was gone, disappearing into the hallway as the door shut behind him. I still hoped to god no one was out on my floor, as I would have to come up with some bullshit excuse as to why the Supreme Leader was in my quarters.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite the man leaving, it was now that the hum of his presence in my head had returned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Retiring for bed that night I imagined myself at the ball. Arriving with the First Order officials in tow, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren on my arm. I swatted away the delusion. I felt like I was a kid back on Kiros, desperately avoiding schoolhouse crushes on boys (who were too busy staring at girls). I remembered then to protect my thoughts. Kylo clearly stated he admired our </span>
  <em>
    <span>companionship.</span>
  </em>
  <span> That was that. I fluffed my pillow and flopped down in bed. I was going to need a lot of rest to make up for the stress my surprise visitor had caused me.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brin was quieter on our trek to work the next morning. In fact his inner turmoil was so intense, it pulled me right out of my own thoughts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stopped him,“Hey man, is everything okay?” He failed to match my gaze, twiddling his thumbs instead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you mad at me Jo?” Worry creased his brow. It looked out of place painted on his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head, “Of course not! What makes you think that?” Honestly I knew I had been acting shady, and frankly I’d been a shit friend too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You've just been… gone. No lunches together or you're runnin off after work. I think Julietta is more worried than I am, but I know she would never say anything.” The larger man shrugged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wanted to be honest with him, with both of them. I wanted to share my wonderful and exciting secret. But word gets around fast, and while I trusted them I wasn't sure how well they could keep a secret like this. I had to learn early on in the Order to trust no one… I wanted to believe I was just being paranoid all these years but my instincts told me otherwise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm sorry...I've just been overloaded with work, doubling down to get it done at my quarters.” I tried to make up an excuse but I knew Brin saw through my lie. He cocked his head to the side, giving me eyes that said “c'mon man”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Johari, we stopped by your place like every night this week and Z said you were out. What gives.” He crossed his arms across his chest. I sighed, clearly I was going to have to tell SOME of the truth here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay okay.” I looked around to make sure there was no one near to overhear me. “But this is top secret. Like devastatingly secret. So secret my life may be on the line.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So maybe i exaggerated a LITTLE bit…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brin's eyes lit up, he shook his head eagerly. “Yeah man I promise my lips are SEALED!” I leaned in close, choosing my words carefully.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm working on a classified assignment with the Supreme Leader. I can't say much…. But-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“BUT?” Brin's bewilderment was painted across his face. I decided to brag a little more..</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But, It does involve me attending a prestigious ball on Canto Bight in a few days” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nearly lost his shit, I had to remind him to keep composure. The remainder of the way to the command center Brin bomarbed me</span>
</p><p>
  <span>with questions (In which I was unable to answer without revealing too much). His understanding and excitement for my own success made me feel bad for not being honest sooner. As we neared our stations he was the one who stopped me,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just wanted to remind you that Juliettas birthday is tomorrow… We are going to meet for drinks at the bar. If you don't have secret Supreme Leader stuff to take care of… I know she'd love to see you there.” His eyes pleaded for me to say yes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded, “Of course! I'll be there.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>owo whats this??? sorry for the delay on updating, finals is kicking my ass!!!! but soon i will have more time to write :) its getting saucy B) thank u guys for the kudos and comments!! this fic is one of my proudest works and im glad others love it as much as i do!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. analyze</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Kylos pov</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I paced the length of the training room as I waited for Johari to arrive. Recalling the other morning's events, I ran my hands over my face, unable to stop the heat of embarrassment crawling across my cheeks. I don't know why I was hung up on the way I had acted (frankly it was like a sheep in a wolf's pen), because the smaller man surely didn't mind my intrusion. Between hiding my nerves and cringing at the fact that I demanded him show me his most precious belongings, I was worn out. I needed to pull it together,I couldn't risk letting myself slip up too much, I had to keep composure around him. He was my student and, like I so awkwardly put it, in a way my companion. I valued the rare occasions where we got to spend time together. But he was still an officer and I couldn't risk getting too comfortable. I feared if I got too close.... In some way or another I’d lose him. The lessons of my former masters echoed in my head. Don't get attached… too late. I swatted the thoughts away, luckily just as Johari trotted through the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I found comfort in the fact that each time I saw him, I could feel less and less anxiety rolling off of him. I hoped it was because we were growing accustomed to each other, rather than his growing ability to shield his emotions. As we swapped greetings I noticed he wore the black robes today; they matched mine. We settled onto the mat across from each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Truthfully, sir I am a bit nervous about having to start sparring against you.” I let myself relax a bit, leaning back onto my hands. Joharis posture eased as well. He did that often; mirroring my own body language. I wondered if he did it purposefully, as to show engagement, or if it was absent minded, letting others take the lead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why is that?” Obviously I knew the answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm just going to get my ass handed to me over and over.” The tips of his fangs peeping from behind his smirk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go easy. For now. Besides, we should discuss what you read while I was away before we start.” His eyes lit up, I could tell that he was dying to talk about what he’d learned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And so the floodgates opened. Johari babbled on and on, practically recalling books worth of information. Of course, I already knew all of this, but I listened intently anyways. After his rant came to an end and I answered a few questions, he brought up the “the blue hologram cube” as he put it. I was shocked,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's called a Holocron. Jedi onced used it to store valuable information. There are very few that belong to the Sith. How did you know how to open it?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shrugged, “ I didn't. I was just drawn to it, and then it just did its thing.” I nodded, and decided it was time to get to the days main lesson. I stood and offered him a hand up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let's get started.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Johari has basic hand to hand skills, as did the majority of First Order trainees. I hadn't ever been through the academy myself, but I knew how ruthless it was, though it sounded like a walk in the park compared to my own training. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The younger man was passive at first, scared to throw the first punch even when I assured him he wouldn't hurt me. But where he lacked in physical strength he made up for in speed, and agility. These weren't quite enough as he landed on his back on the mat beneath me many times just as he had predicted.  We agreed not to use the Force to look into eachothers minds, that way we wouldn't be able to predict the others' next move (though I made sure to emphasize how important of a tool it was for the future). But I couldn't help but to wonder what he was thinking, or feeling,  as he let his hand linger a moment too long on my bicep. I could feel his analytical eyes on me; for the first time it was me under the microscope.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a move caused him to land particularly ungracefully on his ass, Johari asked for a quick water break. I tossed him a canister, and turned to drink from my own. The room had grown humid, the scent thick with our sweat. I had tried my best not to notice how the shorter man’s robes clung to him as we fought. I set my water on the table next to my helmet, and moved to face Johari at the center of the room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My eyes fell on an unfamiliar sight. Johari had stripped his tunic off, leaving his torso exposed. I let my gaze follow the white markings that decorated his chest. Just like his face, they were symmetrical on each side. The Togruta wasn't built or stocky like the ginger he hung around, but lean and faintly toned. His violet skin glistened from the layer of sweat that covered us both. I imagined my fingers tracing their paths. It was only as I followed the lines back up to his face that I realized he was staring back at me, skin warm from much more than a hefty workout. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You of all people should know its rude to stare.” I chucked at his use of my own words on me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry just not used to…” I motioned a hand at him, mimicking our first conversation in this room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's just hot, I felt like all the fabric was in my way.” He scratched his neck. He must have sensed the questions on my tongue, “The markings, they're for camouflage, formed based on our surroundings.” That explained why the white marks were so sharp and articulate, he'd lived half his life in First Order mechanics. I nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They're very striking. If I wasn't the Supreme Leader I'd be intimidated.” I almost winced at my forwardness. I could see the confidence surge through him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>We returned to readied stances, preparing to spar once again, “Last one for the session. Don't hold back.” I knew it would still end with him flat on his back, but I wanted to see how far he’d go now that he was more comfortable. He nodded silently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lurched forward first, hands outstretched as if to reach for my torso. I barreled forward, preparing for the impact. But instead I wobbled forward, Johari rolling on the mat behind me, he’d faked me out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What is he doing?</span>
  </em>
  <span> My thought was answered as he stood, tossing my lightsaber (which had been clipped my belt) across the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He'd disarmed me. This tactic was unlike him in the first half of the session. I was caught off guard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn't have time to prepare as he ran towards me. I went to stop him but he slid between my legs, and reached up to grab at my arm. What he was doing didn't register before he used my own momentum to flip me over on my stomach, pinning the arm behind my back. I could feel his weight sitting on top of me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a moment we both sat still, I knew he was perched above me feeling smug. But he wouldn't get this win just yet. My free arm reached out, willing my lightsaber to return to me. It flew across the room, but at the last second curved up out of my line of vision. I felt the cool metal of the hilt touch the back of my neck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gotcha.” The man above me practically laughed the word. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wh-” I was in disbelief it all happened so fast. His weight shifted off of me, and I sat up to face him where he crouched. Johari held my lightsaber out to me. “You cheated, you must have read my thoughts.” My tone was a bit more sour than I had intended.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head, before stating very matter of factly, “ Kylo, part of studying for Communications lead and head translator is non-verbal communication. Its analysis of body language. Even without the Force you’re strong and skilled and far more trained than I, but you put all your might into each blow making it critical. It makes you unbalanced. Like a table made from the strongest metal, but is missing a leg. I just played off your own movements. I'm surprised it worked.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was in awe. He’d spent the entire first half taking notes on my fighting patterns. He followed suit as I stood. I stared down at him; desperately awaiting my approval and praise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have I offended you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. While I was still withholding, I am impressed you took me down. Tomorrow's session will include the training weapons,” I didn't want to dally as my pride was a bit more hurt then I cared to admit. I motioned to the wall, “we should prepare you for a lightsaber of your own.” I could tell it took the smaller man every bit of resistance he had in his body to not jump for joy, but his face fell quickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean no disrespect  and am grateful for the time you are devoting to training me….” Johari's eyes shifted to the floor. “But it's one of my friend's birthdays tomorrow, we are going out to celebrate tomorrow night, I promised I would be there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was envious of the time the girl and the ginger got to spend with Johari. Laughing and joking in the open in the cafeteria, or talking idly to and from their stations. I longed to be in Johari's life so casually. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That's alright. We can pick back up after the ball. It would probably be best to get rest anyways as you aren't used to strenuous work like this.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Johari sighed with relief, “Thank you.” I nodded and dismissed him for the night , he put his tunic back on as he walked to the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'll see you soon, Kylo.” He waved shyly before disappearing down the hall. I noted the way he didn't use Sir so often anymore.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“See you soon Jo.” I said it mostly for myself, as it was probably too quiet to heard by the other man. My heart ached, but I couldn't pinpoint why.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>a bit of a shorter chapter but i think it's worth it :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Someone Else</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>My body groaned as I practically limped to lunch the next day. Even the cold bath Z had made me when I got in from training didn't soothe any of my muscles aches. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What's his problem?” Julietta poked fun. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Little man is finally hitting the gym.” Brin clapped his hand to my back, sending a wave of pain through my body. I just groaned in response as we entered the cafeteria.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Yeah. Anyways Julietta I didn't know whether to give this to you now or tonight.” I reached for the small paper wrapping in my pocket and handed it to her. “Happy birthday.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aw you didn't have to get me anything!” she tore into it as we settled at our table. It was a necklace shaped like a TIE fighter. well, sort of shaped like one. In the middle of my ice cold bath, I realized I hadn't gotten her anything. There wasn't much to come by on these ships, no malls or gift shops so I stayed up all night with a DIY project. Z told me that statistically women tended to enjoy art more than men, so I should make her a sculpture. I was no artist, but It did spark a much simpler idea in my head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had run into a broken mouse droid in the halls earlier in the day, and against better judgement I was convinced I would be able to fix it so I brought it home. Z thought it to be a little morbid, but out of the small droid’s parts I was able to create the charm and it's chain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Julietta held it up, “This is awesome Jo! Thank you.” Her smile was sweet. I tried my best not to read into her feelings, not only because she was my friend, but what she was feeling I knew I didn't reciprocate. I didn't want our friendship to change, and with the path I was going down I couldn't be anything more. Hopefully she wouldn't read into the gift.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You're welcome.” I just smiled back. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The pain hadn't faded too much by the time the evening rolled around, but I figured a few drinks would help dull the ache. I didn't go out very often so when I entered the ship's bar, I was surprised at the rodwyness of the dim room. Each table was full of First Order personnel, and droids bustling about with trays of colorful drinks. Once I spotted a few familiar faces, I made a B line for a table in the far corner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I greeted Julietta with another ‘Happy Birthday’ and settled in next to Brin. There were a few people I didn't recognize, and were introduced to. Some of Juliettas engineering friends had joined us, and they were much more carefree and boisterous than a group of command officers. I nursed a few drinks, feeling the alcohol warm my cheeks, and watched the others sing karaoke and react to some sports game on the tvs. Brin tried to pull me on stage to sing a duet but I successfully wiggled my way out of that one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soon enough the night had died down and many people said their goodbyes before departing. It seemed out of the very few of us that were left, that I was the most sober, and Julietta the most drunk. Which was fair, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> her birthday. But it was probably time to call it a night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you ready to go?” I searched her droopy eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeeah lets blow this popsicle stand!” her words slurred. I placed my hand on her lower back to steady her as we made our way to the door, into the quiet hallway. She squinted under the fluorescent lights. We walked in silence until we got off on her floor,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for finally coming out with us Jo.” She placed a hand on my shoulder, the motion almost making her lose balance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, anything for you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As we neared her door she halted, searching the black tiles of the floor. I already knew what she was going to say and I don't think either of us really needed to have this conversation while she was drunk. She slid her body close to mine, fully invading my space.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Johari… why cant you see that I like you..” There was hurt in her voice. I knew she probably won't remember any of this but that didn't mean this still had to happen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can talk about this later okay, do you have your keycard to get in?” My tone was gentle but my heart was beating in my ears. She quickly turned cold, stepping back to let her back hit the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to talk about it now. Cant you tell how much I like you? You're not like anyone else on this stupid ship.” her eyes filled with tears. I did know she liked me, but it wasn't something I ever wanted to think about, so I didn't. “Even when you're sneaking around, there's truth in you. There's something in you that none of these bastards have. I thought we were the same in that way..”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I started to panic, I felt like I was being ambushed. Thats when the fuzz in my mind returned, and I knew he was near. I tried to speed up this awkward rejection encounter in the off chance our paths crossed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Julietta.. I'm sorry I just don't feel the same. It's not that you aren't great, because you are it's just-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just what?” She wobbled as she crossed her arms defiantly. He was closer now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is there someone else?” The question hit me like a brick wall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I answered quietly, a small weight lifting off me, “I don't know, but I'm hoping so.”  Julietta thought for a moment. She looked worn, and vulnerable in this lighting. The shadows emphasizing every curve of her face. A few small curls stuck to her forehead from the sweat in the bar. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.. I-I'm sorry for laying this on you i'm-” She put a hand to her face, and cracked a smile, “I'm so fucking drunk.” We both chuckled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's okay.” She reached forward, grabbing one of my hands and holding it in both of hers,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jo, I like you...but I'm gonna be happy for you  because that's what good friends do. I'm sorry.” It was as she pulled my hand up to her face, and placed a small kiss on my knuckles, that I could feel another pair of eyes on me. I didn't dare look down the hallway until Julietta had bid me a goodnight, and finally disappeared into her quarters. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn't exactly sure how much he saw, or if he had heard anything I said. Part of me needed Kylo to know I had declined Juliettas advances. He was out of his usual attire, just as I had seen him that night in the hallway so long ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why are you here” </span>
  </em>
  <span>I wasn't used to communicating through the Force so I hoped He had heard me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I felt a disturbance, I thought something was wrong, you were panicking.” </span>
  </em>
  <span> He felt betrayed, and made sure to let me feel it too. This was a misunderstanding…..</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Im okay, it's not what it..” </span>
  </em>
  <span>I shook my head. Kylo stared back at me for a beat before turning on his heel and disappearing down the opposite corridor. Our connection was cut cold.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kylo!” This time I called aloud, chasing after him. I knew he’d be gone when I got there but I still huffed at the empty hall. Kylo and I had grown close, but no teacher/student relationship was this possessive..</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was a fool. I knew that both of us couldn't see it that way no matter how hard we tried. In such a short time he had grown past a mentor figure to me, I felt I had the Force to thank for that. Everything was so subtle but my answer to Juliettas question: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is there someone else? </span>
  </em>
  <span>exposed exactly how I felt. It was all a pipe dream I had shoved to the back of my mind, and up until I saw the way he looked at me in the training room yesterday I had convinced myself he would never feel the same. I already knew we were both so alone, and longed for the feeling of intimacy. But I had no idea how any of it would work out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Besides, I hardly knew anything about Kylo and the things I did know included him being a mass murderer. But the thing is, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>to know more. I wanted to know every part of his life from his first memory to every detail of the day's boring meetings. I wanted to know what made him happy and what made him sad. I wanted to know if the same darkness stirring inside me also existed in him. I wanted to know every curve of his body and freckle on his skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I stopped myself before I could think any further. The only person who has ever really tried to understand me, had closed himself off. It seemed I was good at pushing the people I loved the most away. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Julietta hadn't shown up to work or lunch the following day, which was fine by me as I was not ready to ask if she even remembered what happened last night. I had spent the remainder of the night trying to reach out to Kylo, but was only met with silence. I knew how he was; one thing set him off and he'd destroy a whole floor. But the next day everything looked fine. I hoped maybe on the ship to Canto Bight I could explain what really happened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was released from my duties early in the day to go prepare for the trip. Brin made me promise him I would sneak a souvenir back. Z packed a small bag of luggage that was picked up by another droid and taken to the shuttle while I got ready. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was so nervous I thought I would be sick, I tried to let the hot water from the refresher ease my nerves but it was no use. Once I saw myself in the mirror with my full outfit on, a bittersweet feeling washed over me. The robes were snug in the right places, and loose in the others. I looked so much more grown up than I did in the frumpy uniforms. I looked like a man, like my father. I wasn't sure how proud I was making him by growing roots in a place like the First Order, but I was alive, and growing and evolving. That had to count for something. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time Z followed me to the hangar without me asking. I'm glad he remembered the sentiment. “Sir you look quite ravishing if I do say so myself!” He hyped me up as we left my quarters. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When we arrived at the hangar (10 minutes early of course) I scanned the rows of ships. One of the shuttles was being prepared for leave, as stormtroopers scurried about. I noticed Kylo's ship was gone. It wasn't hard to miss, as it did not blend in around the other ships. My stomach sank. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had little time to worry about it as a group of higher ups spilled out into the hangar towards the shuttle. They were all dressed in dazzling attires. The women all wore deep jewel toned dresses that flowed to the floor. Most of them were covered in jewels that scintillated against the bright lights. The men all wore variants of the same black formal suit that had a very military look. I was no longer worried about being overdressed. If anything I felt a bit underdressed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you ready Officer?” I turned to face General Hux. He wore a suit similar to the other men, but much more decorated. There were red decals and he was adorned with several badges that displayed rank. He had red gloves to match.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah..” Z took this as his cue to head back home and I shot him a small wave goodbye. The General and I started down the stairs to meet the others. The jewels on my head piece tapped on my head.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The Supreme Leader said you would be dressed very… traditionally. I like it very much.” I wanted to soak up the compliment but couldn't help but to focus on Kylo.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Has he left already?” I didn't attempt to hide the disappointment in my voice. We walked up the ramp into the shuttle, seating in the last two open spots.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, he said he had a prior engagement to attend to, and would meet us there.” His eyes curiously searched mine, before turning back to the rest of the ship, “Besides, that man is party pooper anyways.” Several people around us chucked in agreement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Perhaps that was true but, I was under the impression Kylo and I would at least be riding together. Wouldn't he have let me know if he wasn't able to make it there with us? Was he still mad with me? Maybe I had been overthinking it..</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not long after, a few storm troopers shuffled inside and the ramp closed behind them. I settled into my seat and listened to the conversations of the others around me as the ship took off towards its destination.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Indulge</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The ship landed right outside the venue. As I stepped out onto the landing pad I was met with yet another breathtaking view. A white carpet was rolled out a grand set of stairs that led into the large building. It fit into the rest of the surrounding structures like a puzzle piece. Everything was seek and pristine, a golden glow illuminating the whole town. The stars above us twinkled.</p><p> </p><p>I followed behind the rest of my party up the stairs and into the ballroom. Sounds of chatter and smoothe music faded in as we neared the large arched entryway. The smell of fancy horderves wafted along with the sounds. </p><p> </p><p>We were greeted by several staff members and handed glasses of champagne. Our stormtroopers took residence outside the entrance. The ballroom was vast, and heavily decorated with gold chandeliers and columns. The room was framed by cocktail tables and a very large buffet. Two grand ascending staircases framed a stage where the band played, and in front of it was the dance floor where people swayed. Kylo had been right, I did blend in here. While a majority of the people were human, a notable amount werent. I saw Rodians, a sizable amount of Neimodians huddled around a table, even some well dressed Trandoshans. </p><p> </p><p>I was brought back to reality when I realized I had been separated from my own group. I scanned the crowd for them, finding them getting comfortable at a table. They didn't seem to miss me or be too worried I was gone, so it was time to explore for myself. I downed the rest of my champagne and handed the empty glass to a waiter. The food table was calling my name. </p><p> </p><p>It was as I loaded up my small plate with various mystery foods that I remembered I was still on a somewhat diplomatic trip. I figured I should try to find Kylo before someone starts talking to me about things I know nothing about. I grabbed a glass full of bright sparkling green liquid and worked my way through the tables, searching for any sign of the Supreme Leader. </p><p> </p><p>And sure enough there he was. In the corner of the ballroom closest to the balcony exit, Kylo stood at a table alone, his back turned to me as he watched the party goers. The tables around him were abandoned. I thought it strange that not even a stormtrooper stood by his side. Though I did chuckle when I realized he had a drink in his hand. He wasn't wearing anything fancy like the rest of us, just his usual black attire. I figured he already knew it was me when I moseyed on up next to him, setting my plate on the table.</p><p> </p><p>“Save some fun for the rest of us Supreme Leader.” I took a sip from my drink, it was bitter  and made the corners of my mouth frown. </p><p> </p><p>Kylo just turned to look at me silently, I could feel his helmeted gaze on me. I still couldn't sense anything from him. There was a thick awkwardness between us. I just kept my head forward.</p><p> </p><p>“You look very nice. I'm glad you wore that.” It was hard to find tone in his modulated voice. Of course I couldn't help the way my cheeks flushed. But I needed to remember I was a bit annoyed with him. He intruded into my private life and stormed off without letting me explain… and then leaves me to ride with the General and his annoying ass groupies. </p><p> </p><p>“You're irritated with me.” I was glad he could just read my mind.</p><p> </p><p>It was then that I turned to him, “Julietta and I are just friends, she was drunk and I was walking her home.” I paused, hoping that would get through his thick helmet, “I don't always need you to come save me. And ghosting me when you know how scary this ball was for me? we both know that either of us don't want to be here alone .” I kept my voice low.</p><p> </p><p>“I apologize for being rash.” It was simple but good enough. It was clear he didn't want to explain any of his side.</p><p> </p><p>“I forgive you, I suppose. Mister Supreme Leader.” I teased him and shot a smile before shoving food in my mouth. We watched the crowd in silence for a bit. Waiters milled about. I caught a glimpse of the smoking section, filled to the brim with flapper-esque women. A few smaller non-humans wigged through the crowds.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly the ground started to vibrate beneath us. No one else seemed alarmed.</p><p> </p><p>“What is that?”  Instead of answering me Kylo just nodded his head over to the balcony, and motioned for me to follow.</p><p> </p><p>From here I could see the ocean, the light of the moon dancing on its surface. A salty breeze tickled my face. Kylo pointed down below, to an arena filled with bright lights and cheering patrons.</p><p> </p><p>“It's the racetrack attached to the casino. People bet on fathiers.” He leaned forward on the stone. I was surprised at how casual he was being, especially here. Anyone could see the two of us out here alone together. On the ship that seemed so forbidden without the proper formalities.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow..” The beasts looked small from up here, but I knew they were powerful. Z had shown me pictures of ones in the wild. They were caring and family oriented animals, gentle and smart. But they were fast, and they made rich people lots of money. </p><p> </p><p>“What about you? Do you have any wagers placed?”</p><p> </p><p>He only shook his head, “No, I don't care to indulge in such things like gambling.”</p><p> </p><p>Perhaps it was the liquid courage in my veins, “What do you indulge in?” I let myself lean closer, feeling the familiar heat radiating off of him. He met my gaze for a moment before turning back to the race below. </p><p> </p><p>I continued to let myself talk, “It's sad, the racing, but at the same time they are so lucky.” </p><p> </p><p>Kylo didn't seem to follow, ”Why is that?”</p><p> </p><p> “They don't have to worry about what choice to make because there's only one path in front of them.” I finished off the bitter green drink and turned back to watch them run. Kylo nodded silently beside me. I wished I knew what he was feeling..</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Why won't you let me in? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I didn't get to find out if Kylo was ever going to answer because General Hux marched out into the balcony with us, scowl painted on his brow. </p><p> </p><p>“Where have you two been? Our host is waiting to speak with us!” Kylo straightened from his spot and began to saunter back inside. </p><p> </p><p>I figured by ‘us’ Hux was referring to him and Kylo, so when the ginger man turned and shouted, “You too, Bek!” I was a bit surprised, but scurried to follow close behind them. I realized that I didn't even know who the host of this ball even was.</p><p> </p><p>“<em> He’s the biggest arms dealer on this side of the outer rim.” </em></p><p>Oh so now he gets back into my head. I rolled my eyes even though I was grateful for the info.</p><p> </p><p>The crowd parted as we walked through, I could feel eyes on us. We made our way to a particularly crowded table that was surrounded by bodyguards. Past the huddle of large, and scary looking men, sat very official and wealthy people. I recognized some of the higher ups from the First Order. Everyone's attention was on one man.</p><p> </p><p> He was a human, his salt and pepper hair and beard revealing him to be older. He was well groomed, and wore a perfectly pressed white suit. Clinging to each of his sides were two Twi’lek women, their skin tones both a striking teal color. They wore matching martini dresses, and poorly hidden collars. I knew instantly that this was the host. A knot tightened in my stomach. </p><p> </p><p>“Supreme Leader, General! How good to see you!” The fancy man exclaimed, the group's attention shifting to us. Based off the way he held himself, he was easy to read. He was clearly a narcissist. A cocky and arrogant asshole. But everyone was either captivated by his wealth and status or terrified of it. Most were too ignorant to see his truth, or were smart enough to pretend.</p><p> </p><p>“Korfé Bennux-Ai! It's an honor. Thank you for this wonderful ball.” The General answered very chipperly. I stood awkwardly behind Kylo, not sure how much of my place it was to interject. I started to tune out as Hux and Korfé started talking about the progress of Starkiller, and something about the delicious wine being served tonight. The only input Kylo had to offer was a short hum of agreement or a nod.  I was too distracted trying not to think about the girls at this man’s sides. But I was snapped back into reality.</p><p> </p><p>“Supreme Leader, I see you brought your pet along as well, I never pegged you as the type…” It took me a moment to understand just what Korfé was implying. The twi’lek women melted further into their captor as if on cue. The attention was on me now. I could feel Kylo tense up next to me. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> It's fine.” </em> I attempted to diffuse his temper before others noticed. General Hux interjected before either of us said or did anything stupid.</p><p> </p><p>“Officer Johari Bek is actually Communications Lead on board the Finalizer. He’s a very respectable young man. He's been in charge of smaller scale negotiations, and even helped the Supreme Leader out of that scuffle on Lothal.” My heart was warmed by the way Hux talked me up. But this didn't sit right with our host. For a split second his facade dropped, his face contorting to a look of disgust, then quickly to fear. Not only was he insinuating that I was a slave, but he'd just insulted an officer close to the Supreme Leader. I noticed Kylo’s hand moving to his lightsaber. Korfé’s sly look returned, </p><p> </p><p>“My apologies Officer Bek. It's not everyday someone as exotic as you makes it this far up the chain.”</p><p> </p><p>All I had to offer was a fake smile and a nod. I felt tension building in me, like the day in the cafeteria. I was disgusted. </p><p> </p><p>The subject was quickly dropped as General Hux redirected the conversation, and soon enough a tray of drinks was brought around. Kylo’s gaze caught mine as I threw my head back to down the entirety of the glass. I was going to need a lot more where that came from if this was the way the night was going to go.</p><p> </p><p>After a while the conversation was halted by the music picking up. A popular dance song blared through the hall. Practically everyone flooded the dance floor, giving Kylo and I time to escape from our wicked host after excusing ourselves. The two of us ended up back at our original table, and I ended up with yet another drink in my hand. My body felt warm.</p><p> </p><p>I swayed to the music as we watched the dancefloor, everyone had grabbed a partner.</p><p> </p><p>“I should have killed him for that.” Kylo mumbled beside me. </p><p> </p><p>“No, no. You need that guy, his weapons at least. It's best you didn't cause a big scene. I understand.” My words didn't seem to convince the silent giant. “Really, I'm not upset anymore. I'm used to shitheads like him.”</p><p> </p><p>He looked down to me, “You shouldn't have to be though.” I didn't care to get into it here, I was a bit tipsier than I would have liked to admit and I wanted to have fun while I could. I disregarded his statement.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey we should go dance!” Kylo just stared back at me, I wished I could see the look on his face. </p><p> </p><p>“No.” </p><p> </p><p>I pouted, continuing to sway, “Why not?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because I said no.” His refusal, and the alcohol in my system, caused me to continue to act out. I hated the way he was acting. I thought back to the training room. The way his eyes searched my body, the way he spoke to me. the way he <em>flirted </em>with me. And now he was being so cold. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re always meaner when you wear the helmet. I wish you would wear it less. I miss your pretty face.” I huffed, taking a large swig of my drink. I felt it heat up my blood. I was past the point of no return, as I hadn't even realized what I said. Kylo surely had though, he was frozen in place. More rigid than usual.</p><p> </p><p>I giggled, “I get the chance to dance with the Supreme Leader and he says no! Ouch.” </p><p> </p><p>Kylo seemed to unfreeze himself, “You’re drunk.” Part of me knew I was being messy, and knew I should be completely embarrassed, as I had just witnessed Julietta drunk off her ass the night before. But the other, intoxicated side, truly did not care. </p><p> </p><p>“Im just tipsy.” The room begame to spin a bit. I felt a firm hand on the small of my back.</p><p> </p><p>“We should get you upstairs.” I wasn't quite done with my elegant night out but I couldn't refuse, as Kylos strong arm led me through the crowd and out of the ballroom. I waved to the stormtroopers who had taken guard outside the doors. They did not wave back. Lucky for Kylo, he didn't have to drag my drunk ass far, as the venue was attached to the hotel we would be staying the night at. Somehow he had gotten our room keys and an escort up to our rooms. Once again I bid the stormtrooper a good night, and was butthurt when the sentiment was not returned. </p><p> </p><p>“Wooow” I gasped as we entered my room. It was a fancy studio loft. Everything was white and gold like the ballroom. “This is like the fanciest place I’ve ever seen.” Kylo closed the door behind us. I didn't even bother turning on the light. The warm glow from the city outside illuminated the room just right.</p><p> </p><p>On the humongous bed sat my luggage, and I was about to flop myself down next to it before something caught my eye. A large set of french windows revealed the view of the city below. It was more beautiful than the balcony down in the ballroom. I paid no mind to the way Kylo did a once over of the apartment (Less drunk me realized he was actually searching for hidden explosives). I pushed the window open to let the breeze in. The curtains billowed around me.</p><p> </p><p>“Kylo come here!” He glided in from the kitchenette. His hulking form now standing next to me. “Can you hear it?” We held our breath, letting the faint sound of the music from the ball float in on the gust of warm air. I let myself sway with the sound once again, watching the moon lit landscape past the city. I felt eyes on me, though. </p><p> </p><p>“Jo.” His voice was so quiet, it didn't register in the modulator. I turned to face Kylo. “Ask me again.” Right away I knew what he was asking. “Please.” </p><p> </p><p>If we were going to dance, I wanted to look at his face. I reached up, searching the sides of his helmet for the release. I’d seen him take it off at training before, so I figured it wouldn't be too hard to figure out. Maybe if I had been sober. My hands fumbled for a moment before gloved ones came up to meet mine, guiding me to buttons that caused the helmet to hiss. Together we lifted it off his head. He shook his hair out before setting the mask on the windowsill. Kylo’s eyes were starry, like they’d been dipped carefully into the night sky. A slight smile painted on his lips. Seeing him like this in the dim light might as well have sobered me up. </p><p> </p><p>“Would you like to dance?” My voice was small now. Kylo nodded, and held a hand out to me. I placed mine gently on his own, feeling the leather encase my skin. His other arm returned to the small of my back, pulling me in close. Cautiously I lay my hand on his shoulder. Finally I let out the breath I was holding in.</p><p> </p><p>“I must confess: I don't actually know how to dance.” Kylo whispered. </p><p> </p><p>I chuckled, “Me either. But thats okay.” We began to sway to the faint music.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>It was then the vacancy in my head was filled. Our connection opened up; it felt like it hummed in the air around us. I was so relieved to feel him again, I let my head fall onto his chest. He let his chin rest between my montrals. </p><p> </p><p>I was glad for the liquid courage in my veins, for without it I knew I’d be a nervous wreck. At least that's what I told myself. I was too afraid to think about how natural our closeness felt, how right we fit together in that moment. Or how Kylo made sure to let me know he felt the same. I just closed my eyes, and breathed in his scent, soaking in every last second. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:))) i love love love this chapter I've been eager to write it for so long. thank u guys so mich for your support :)) also heres some refrences for Johari finally!https://twitter.com/asstoby/status/1340183860177477632?s=20</p><p> </p><p>and here's more art of them dancing &lt;3 https://twitter.com/asstoby/status/1343358615575552006?s=21</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Lucky</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>OH my gosh its been so long since i've updated, im so sorry! I finally felt motivated to finish this chapter and i hopw you guys like it :))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I nuzzled further into the warmth that encapsulated me before even attempting to open my eyes, because I knew if I did the peaceful bliss would have to come to an end. But after failing to fall back asleep I sighed and peeled them open. I was alone in the giant bed,  swaddled in the hotel's luxury blankets. I focused on the soft pitter patter of rain from outside. The overcast sky filled my room with dull grey light. I’d hardly sat up in bed when the small intercom on the nightstand chimed. I groaned as I answered the call, illuminating a hologram of a young man’s face. It was one of the hotel staff,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning Officer Bek.” He was chipper. I stifled a yawn,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The Supreme Leader has requested you report to his suite.” The mention of Kylo caused memories of last night to flood my mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We both had been reluctant to tear ourselves away from the other, scared to let go of the moment knowing there might never be another. But eventually it was the taller man who loosened his grip first, stepping back to look at me before saying something about getting me into bed. It was obvious I was still a bit tipsy, and I watched from the foot of the bed as Kylo kneeled to take my boots off for me. I now wished I had been more sober, so I could remember the finer details of the gentle act. Next thing I knew I was curled up under the covers. He sat at the edge of the bed and invited me for breakfast the next morning before retrieving his helmet and bidding me goodnight. I faintly remember what he looked like in the moonlight.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I slapped a hand over my face, embarrassed out of my mind. I was particularly proud of my track record of not being a sloppy bitch, but sadly that has been tarnished. Here I was, waking up still in my formal clothes, and had to practically be dragged to my room last night. I tried to convince myself it could have been worse (because really, it could have). And it wasn't like my feelings had gone unreciprocated last night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But.. perhaps it would be simpler if they had. I turned my attention back to the hologram.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right. What is his suite number, by chance?”  The young man did some typing,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The Supreme Leader is staying in room 431, the door directly across from yours, sir.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” He nodded before disappearing with the blue light. I stared blankly at the device, noticing the beaded strands that made up my head piece lay scrunched beside it. I fell back into bed and sighed, at least I was able to get that off. My head was fuzzy, a sign the hologram man was right, Kylo was closeby. For a moment I let myself get lost in the blank ceiling above me wondering </span>
  <em>
    <span>how in the world did I get here.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ultimately I hauled myself out of bed, and into the bathroom to freshen up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thankfully, I didn't look nearly as bad as I had expected. I shot myself a half-hearted smile in the oval shaped mirror. Sample sizes of soaps and toiletries sat on the counter, and I made sure to toss them into my luggage to bring back for Brin. The hotel has also provided a set of pajamas, accompanied by a big white, fluffy robe with the logo embroidered on the front. Surely would have been nice to have actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>slept</span>
  </em>
  <span> in. I was in no mood to put my uniform on, as it was the only other clothes I had packed myself, and slipped into the lounge pants and shirt. The robe engulfed me, but it was quite cozy nonetheless. I figured after last night, Kylo wouldn't mind if I took a more casual route.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I decided to throw on my head piece last minute. It made me feel good about myself, and if I could wear it here, I would. I padded to the door and took a breath before I peeked my head out into the hallway. I was met by numerous unexpected faces. Each door had a trooper stationed outside of it; First Order officials must have all been staying on the same floor. I met the unwavering gaze of the trooper across from me, outside Kylo’s room, and offered a shy smile. I opened my mouth to bid them a good morning, when another door opened down the hall. One of the male officials emerged from the room, whatever clothes he wasn't wearing (which was very little) was piled into his arms. A second figure emerged from the doorway, revealing himself to be General Hux. He waved the other man off as he scurried past me to get to his room. Hux’s eyes caught mine, the both of us hunched in our doorways. His eyes went wide, and face beet red, and quickly retreated. I tried to not let my mouth hang agape. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remembering the large masked audience around me, I composed myself and walked across the hall. These troopers were going to have a lot to gossip about later. “Morning boys.” I bid them before the door in front of me opened. I wasted no time stepping through the threshold as it closed behind me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo’s room was the exact same layout as mine, only more complimentary gift baskets sitting around. The sweet smell of breakfast foods swirled in the air. As I rounded the corner into the living space I saw that the coffee table had been practically hidden under numerous plates of room service. My host stood from his spot on the couch to greet me. He must have showered not too long ago, as his dark curls glinted, giving away their dampness. He wore the same hotel issued pajamas as I; he looked more well rested than I had ever seen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning. Please come sit, help yourself.” He motioned to the plethora of still steaming dishes. I noticed his amongst them, filled to the brim. I felt a bit bad, hoping he wasn't waiting for my arrival to begin eating. “Thanks. ”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wasn't the Supreme Leader of subtlety for a reason. I could feel his gaze on my every move as I did indeed help myself. But being under his watch no longer felt like I was being circled by a great white shark. There was a certain intensity that remained but I did not mind it. Instead I felt seen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you feeling?” He finally broke the moment of silence, talking with his mouth full as he began stuffing his face. This only confirmed that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> waiting on me. I almost laughed at the sight of him, like a child on a sunday morning eating pancakes in his pajamas. I remembered to guard my thoughts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm actually quite well. I'm lucky I typically don't get hangovers.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled quietly, “That is very lucky, not many of us can say the same.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I never took the Supreme Leader himself to be one for gossip and drama but I figured I’d shoot my shot with my newfound information form this morning. I also wanted to steer conversation away from last night, as I no longer had my liquid courage to get me through.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know who </span>
  <em>
    <span>else</span>
  </em>
  <span> seemed to get lucky?” I shot him a toothy grin, </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” He cocked a brow as he took a sip of coffee. Kylo seemed relaxed here, comfortable and secure.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“General Hux. On my way over here I saw another general leaving his room half naked.”  I was at the edge of my seat, this was some of the hottest gossip that didn't include me or my secret Force abilities. Kylo just rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thats Hux for you. He’s always sending people on the walk of shame during these kinds of off ship events.” I let myself laugh this time. There was no way I could contain it. Of course I knew that red head was charming but never would I have thought..</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is he really that much of a casanova? I feel like that would be really passive aggressive sex...” I’d almost forgotten my place, speaking before thinking. These were the kinds of conversations I had with co officers, not my boss. But Kylo had joined me in laughing. It wasn't a sound I’d heard before. A hearty laugh that came from deep in his chest and rumbled in his throat. It made his face contort into a full smile, spreading across his face. It almost seemed foreign on him, but so beautiful at the same time. A rare beauty. I made sure to take it all in, I didn't want to forget what it looked and sounded like. Though how could I possibly forget such a treasure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a slight catch of the eye where he’d realized my mesmerization before continuing, </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You would be surprised. On trips like these...When that man sets his gaze on a handsome guy across the room he's determined to take him home. I am surprised he hasn't hit on you.” I felt my face flush, he took a sip of his coffee as if he’d said nothing at all.  “Perhaps he knows best not to.” Was he implying Hux was aware of our… bond? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you saying, Sir? That I am a handsome guy across the room?” I played along, popping a blueberry in my mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That's exactly what I’m saying.” His voice lost the lightness that the jests held, now heavy and intense.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I laughed breathily. I was a professional at navigating conversations but this one had me stumped. Will I be sent on a walk of shame? Kylo must have sensed my slight unease, and dropped his suave act.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My apologies for my forwardness.” He fidgeted with his mug thinking he'd done something wrong. My heart stung. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no you're alright. I seem to be lacking the courage I had last night. We both are not the type to hold our tongues, but... there are many things I've left unsaid.” I hadn't been anticipating having to make any sort of confession this morning. I wasn't even sure I had the words strung together quite right yet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it felt as though there was an urgency to this. Knowing that these were some of the only moments we had to ourselves. No mask, no facade. No assignments or training lessons. Just the two of us and the raindrops hitting the window. Each one inevitably slipping away, down off the edge of the glass. Just like our time here slipping through our fingers. It felt like now or never. That I needed to soak in as much of this domesticity as I could because it would never come again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo stopped me before I could continue, proving I had some work to do on my ability to hide my thoughts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“To need courage means there is something to fear here. That's not what I want. And I didn't ask you here because I wanted a one time thing, not like Hux. You've been more than the handsome guy across the room since Lothal.” He set his mug down and scooted closer to me, “I savor the times that you accept my company and I assure you this trip will not be the last of these types of moments. If that is what you want?” Sincerity was woven into his words and I could feel it in the static in my head where his Force signature resided. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ironically, I was at a loss for words, so I just nodded my head. I could sense Kylo’s relief as I'm sure he could feel my own. It was the confirmation we both needed. That each of us truly did appreciate and relish the presence of the other. It was something so easy to say in theory, and felt so silly that it took us this long to acknowledge. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We spent the rest of the morning chatting idly about the ball. Kylo had much to say about our scummy host, while I let myself give a rather detailed review of the white carpet looks of the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo turned his attention to the time being projected on the wall, “The First Order shuttle leaves in about 20 minutes. Just in case you wanted to ride home with them.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The use of the word </span>
  <em>
    <span>home</span>
  </em>
  <span> made me feel a bit fuzzy inside. I'd never considered the ship my home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Or you could accompany me.” He almost seemed as sheepish as the day he’d asked me to the ball. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would much rather ride with you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn't long after that that I departed from Kylo’s room after thanking him for breakfast, and returned to mine to prepare to leave. The rest of the troopers down the hall were gone as I was sure their assigned officials were too. I carefully packed my formal attire and headpiece into my luggage and straightened my uniform before heading out to meet Kylo at the hotel's lower hangar. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only trooper left in the hall was the one stationed outside my door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Officer Bek. Allow me.” The man clad in white motioned for my bag. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh Thank you.” The trooper nodded and turned to escort me to the lift. As I walked silently behind him I had a gnawing feeling that I knew him. Somehow. The elevator doors closed behind us, and he pressed a button to start our descent. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry I didn't say hi back last night, Officer.” His modulated voice almost startled me.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, stars, it's alright.” I chuckled. “I was a little… inebriated.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… any other occasion I would have offered you at least a nod. But rules are different when the Supreme Leaders around y'know.” I almost forgot that stormtroopers follow strict protocol around superiors. The honor of a soldier. It wasn't uncommon for them to be more casual around lower rank, or widely known friendly personnel. I figured this trooper must be familiar to know I won't scold him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of course the Force confirmed my suspicion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We've met before? Yes?” I studied his faceless helmet already knowing the answer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sort of, sir. I've seen you around, and I was on the Myrra assignment. I work in the Supreme Leaders battalion. How'd you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just a feeling.” I offered a smile, “ FN…?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“FN-0404, sir.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The lift came to a halt and opened to reveal a very damp landing pad, and an even damper Kylo ren. Awaiting my arrival he stood on the ramp of his ship, attempting to stay dry but failing. The ship's dark exterior looked extra ominous under the rainfall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well it was nice to formally meet you mister 404."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The trooper next to me straightened a bit too late, seemingly embarrassed to be caught off guard. I wasted no time in scurrying through the rain and up the ramp to meet my masked pilot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Making friends?” Water dribbled down his helmet, falling into the red cracks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everywhere I go, </span>
  <em>
    <span>sir</span>
  </em>
  <span>. ” I shivered with a gust of wind and followed him into the ship. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ship made its ascent and I said silent goodbyes to the beautiful planet that faded from my view. Soon enough it was the blue tunnel of hyperspace that was swirling in front of me and Kylo and I had settled into our places in the cabin of the ship. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You're not wearing your headpiece anymore.” I had been so spaced out I didn't even notice he'd taken his helmet off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. It's not protocol back on ship.” I tried not to sound sad about it. He bore a sympathetic look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's a kyber crystal, y'know. The big purple one in the center.” Kylo stated very nonchalantly, as if it was common knowledge. He motioned to his own forehead. “On your headpiece.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It's a kyber crystal. Like for a ligh-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know what it's for. How do you know it's kyber?” Its use in lightsabers was noted in the texts I had read. But more importantly, how did my grandfather get his hands on one?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Cant you feel it?” I thought for a moment. Felt it? “Starkiller base, it's built on a planet that is practically made of kyber. Didnt you feel it then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I thought back to my time on Starkiller. I realized it was the planet that called for me. The pain and agony it felt being torn apart by the First Orders machines. I did feel it. And I heard the call of my own crystal, too. Something caused me to look back at my past that day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did feel it. And I think my little purple friend wanted to be rediscovered.”  I found comfort in the thought. That it knew I was ready to face my past once again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You could construct a lightsaber with it, when you're ready.” I could tell Kylo was just as giddy as I was with this suggestion. “But I also know it means a lot to you, the headpiece, I can find you another crystal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, there's a reason it called for me.” I was too afraid of sounding cheesy to say I thought it was destiny. He smiled softly and nodded before turning his attention to something beeping on the control panel.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nestled further into the co pilot's chair and watched his fingers flip a few switches and press a few buttons. Meanwhile the most juvenile thought crossed my mind and I willed it cease. Wanting to hold the Supreme Leaders hand was corny. I knew he'd heard my thought when he chuckled as he took his seat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He seemed to disagree with my thought’s corniness because suddenly Kylo was slipping off his leather gloves, and extending a hand in my direction. When I didn't immediately take it he let his arm settle on my armrest, palm up, taunting me. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You can hold my hand if you want to, Jo. In fact I would prefer if you would.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>While I was far too embarrassed to even attempt to look in his direction, the gesture was wholesome and heartwarming and I just couldn't say no. I let my hand settle in his, and our fingers intertwined. Kylos hand engulfed mine, and I thought back to that day in the training room when this same action had such different meaning. He gave a little squeeze as I finally met his gaze, thick with endearment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn't sure how I came to be sitting in the cockpit of the Supreme Leaders ship, holding hands like it was a middle school dance, but there I was. It wasnt too long ago I was in the same chair, scared out of my mind as the same man told me about my destiny with the Force.</span>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Again thank you guys so much for reading, and leaving such nice comments :) hope youre all well &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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